Comics Of The Weak: So There Are Ways In Which Mike Myers Can Still Be Rewarding

Archie # 600

Written by Michael Uslan 

Art by Stan Goldberg

Published by...Archie? That's the company, right?

So yeah, they've had like--what, two big Archie stories make it past the non-web related media enterprises in the last year or so? One of them was about how Norm Breyfogle--who got blacklisted from drawing Batman back when DC decided to let their assistant editors control their previously successful franchises--was going to handle the "new look Archie", which is some kind of attempt to bridge the gap that exists between Archie's successful comics (the ones that people actually buy from grocery stories) and Fill-In-The-Blank Company's unsuccessful comics. In other words, they had something that was stale, but not broken, so they broke a part of it. For fun? The other big news story was that Archie was going to marry one of the desperate skanks that chase his repugnant ass around. (The rich one who is kind of bitchy, not the white trash one.) This is the comic that starts that story, which, in true "you're kidding yourself" fashion, is a six-parter. It's an Elseworld's/Days of Future Past type tale, and it takes its cue from Robert Frost, literally, and it's about as pathetic as you might imagine an Archie story combined with a Robert Frost poem to be. (The only question is whether you can count on your imagination to include the departure time of a fucking boat as plot point. Even in Archie's future--he has, by the way, only two possible ones, according to this comic--he and his friends are so cringingly lame that they travel by way of fucking boats.)

Daredevil # 500

Written by Ed Brubaker, Andy Diggle, Ann Nocenti & Frank Miller

Art by Michael Lark, Stefano Gaudiano, Klaus Jansen, Chris Samnee, Paul Azaceta, Matt Hollingsworth, Billy Tan, Batt, Justin Ponsor, David Aja, Terry Austin, Lynn Varley & Frank Miller

Published by Marvel Comics

While the metric weight of this comic (and it's expansive collection of talent) pretty much guarantees potential for strongest super-hero single issue of year, or at the very least "first super-hero comic where you'll actually give a shit about the page-filling pin-ups" in months, it's still a little bitter on the way down to see that Brubaker's striking closer (which is about ninjas mostly, very little dating) is all but neutered by the bland stylings of Billy "I don't know why I have a job either" Tan. Even worse when the reprint--the still cruel, still inventive, Frank Miller tale "Roulette"--serves as a stark reminder that yes, there were once giants walking these streets. And because the industry back then barely permitted any other options, they wrote and drew dark ass shit like this for sixty cent Daredevil comics.

Wolverine Weapon X # 4

Written by Jason Aaron

Art by Ron Garney & Jason Keith

Published by Marvel Comics

So the deal with Wolverine is that he's the best there is at what he does, right? Yeah, you got it...unless what he does is next to a school bus, then he has to wait and get away from the school bus, nevermind that there isn't a school-bus riding kid in the world who wouldn't shoot their mother in the mouth while she begs for her life, just to watch Wolverine kill a human being. So yeah, best he is at what he does, unless there's a school bus nearby. What? Oh yeah, and unless you need to know how Go Down, Moses ended. See, Jason Aaron read him some Go Down, Moses, and he figured--this is cool, this is something Wolverine would read. (Which is bullshit, because if Wolverine is cool, then he doesn't read. Cyclops is a reader. Peter Parker? You know he's a fucking reader.) And that's why it tastes like discharge when Wolverine is presented as being the kind of dude who says, hey, motherfucker, I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you fucking deader than dead. But first? I'm going to tell you how Go Down, Moses ended. Because motherfucker, that is the way I roll. Like a goddamn dweeb.

The Big Kahn

Written by Neil Klied

Art by Nicolas Cinquegrani

Published by NBM/Comics Lit

There's not too many ways to warn off prospective readers quicker than the phrase (in lowercase, sticking to the Daniel Clowes Felix Rule, no less) "a graphic drama", so maybe NBM is doing itself a favor chucking that on the cover of this little missive. Non-super-hero readers take note: you'll want to pass on this. It may look like the sort of black-and-white pudding school alt-comic ya'll playboys love, but one of the characters has the power to force a bookshelf to eject its wares, Ghostbusters style, simply through the power of grief. (Fuck off, physics! This is alt-comics!) Of course, there's plenty of room on the shelves for tsk-tsk "dramas" about how horrible it must feel whenever Jewish people make the gross mistake of fucking a WASP--we do have an 80% to explain, after all. (It should be noted that this column's WASP-y writer regularly drills one of the Chosen like he's looking for oil, so maybe his contempt for this comic--which is, at best, a forgettable trifle and at worst, shallow, offensive horseshit--may stem from personal problems.)

Batman: Streets of Gotham # 3

Written by Paul Dini

Art by Dustin Nguyen, Derek Fridolfs & John Kalisz

Published by DC Comics

The lessons of Nightwing make their way into another BatDick book, this one being that when Batman can't solve a problem on his own, he calls upon his friends, just like they do in after school specials, or any Nightwing comic where the character had to move and didn't feel like picking up boxes when he could just make Cyborg do it. How teeth-shatteringly adorable that is! That's what really turns on Batman fans, what gets panties wet and puts the tears in boxer seams: watching Batman pussy out and say "I got me a roomful of people who will totally Watch You so you don't do anything Bad." Still, all of this pandering will be worth it when psychotic Green Lantern fans find out that John Stewart is considered to be in the same "nothing useful to do" class that the Outsiders and Dr. Light 2 are in. That's going to be a fucking showcase of crazy right there. Don't let us down, assholes!

Justice League of America # 36
Written by Len Wein
Art by Tom Derenick, Mario Alquiza, Dan Green, Walden Wong & Pete Pantazis
Published by DC Comics

While the rumor mill will tell you that the reason this terrible comic has so many people involved in doing the art is because the comic was a last minute "just make anything, it doesn't fucking matter, it's the fucking Royal Flush gang" project, the real reason is because the art showed up, and DC realized that if they didn't tack a bunch of names on it, everybody would figure out the name of 2009's biggest Rob Liefeld fan, and they might not be able to protect the poor bastard from yellow-hat wearing types.

Case?

In point.

Outsiders # 21

Written by Peter Tomasi

Art by Fernando Pasarin, Jay Leisten & Brian Reber

Published by DC Comics

Although the Outsiders has attempted to argue the "cool secret agent Alfred" trick for the last few months in this chunk of shit title, things have taken a turn for the even worse: now, Alfred is running the squad by way of giant head hologram instructions, (Xavier-style!) and he won't even let the Outsiders into their homebase. But they still have to do what he tells them to, which means "go and capture the escaped Bat-villains that won't be showing up in Morrison's Batman, Dini's Batman, that Sirens thing, Rucka's Detective, Winick's Batman, Yost's Red Robin, Miller's Batgirl, etc." Can you see it? In your mind? It's a list, and it came from editorial: "Hey Pete. Here's the characters we don't want to use in stories about the Spoiler. Why don't you have Owlman and Black Lightning fight them? Also, make some coffee next time you use the microwave. You can bring beans in from home!"

Frank Castle The Punisher # 73

Written by Victor Gischler

Art by Goran Parlov & Lee Loughridge

Published by Marvel MAX

You see that Avatar preview? Jesus, that looks horrible. It's funny that something like Rob Zombie's Halloween sequel can look so predictably bad when watched independently, but when paired with James Cameron's version of Phantom Menace (featuring blue-skinned versions of the daughter from Dinosaurs) and that eat-shit-asshole Jim Carrey thing, Zombie starts to look like the only hero American film has left. Ain't nothing gonna make you want to see people hurt more than looking at something like Avatar or Disney's Christmas Carol. In a similar fashion, this wasn't a terrible Punisher comic, and it had a pretty sexy gator kill, but it's hard to tell how much of that appreciation isn't the overall despondency caused by reading two comics that feature Owlman.

Wednesday Comics # 7

Published by DC Comics

It had to happen eventually, and this week, it finally did: Amanda Conner's Supergirl page--specifically, the "I...I thought you..." panel-beat out masters like Joe Kubert & Kyle Baker and young turks like Risso and Pope. She didn't make the good comics look bad, no--she just did something so great that it was a near physical attack on the reader. This is the kind of cute that hurts. That's the only kind of cute that matters, after all. Considering that the next few issues of this series promise to include Baker's depiction of Hawkman hitting dinosaurs with a mace, it was smart timing too. Because after that gets started, ain't nobody gonna give a shit 'bout the first 14 pages.

-Tucker Stone, 2009

Comments

[TimCallahan]

Wolverine's so old, he was around even before the internet, when even badasses read books. Not even just books: Short motherfuckin' Story Collections.

[Chris Jones]

Ahh, I've missed this column in it's proper format. No offense to you and your fine friends from last week, Tim.

[Sean Witzke]

DD was pretty amazing - not just that Miller made this book matter at one point in time because he could, but that Nocenti can come back to the character after decades and write something that's just as good maybe better.

And you reviewed the Klied book just to talk about you screwing, didn't ya?

[Jog]

"...featuring blue-skinned versions of the daughter from Dinosaurs..."

Oh wow, I'm never going to un-see that, huh?

[Tucker Stone]

You know that part in the preview where the thing is sleeping? Just imagine it opening its eyes and saying "not the mama".

[Matthew J. Brady]

If I had not read the Wolverine book, I would think you were lying, but no, it totally happens. Wolverine is so lame.

Ah ha ha, The Big Kahn sounds great. Since you said it was lame, I'm sure I'll read it and love it. Oh, Jews.

Holy shit, it's that Robot Chicken ad on the cover of Outsiders!

[david brothers]

Sean- the best part is that Nocenti is telling the same story that she told on DD years ago-- violence will never solve Daredevil's problems, but sometimes you'll find people who make those problems softer while you live.

As a hero, DD is a failure. As a person, DD is learning. Them's good comics.

[John Pontoon]

I like your work, Mr. Stone, but I don't know what the Dan Clowes Felix Rule is, and I own every issue of Eightball and Lloyd Llewellyn too. Please explain your joke, that will make it funny to me.

[Tucker Stone]

It's from the story "I Hate You Deeply". Your comment made me laugh, Mr. Pontoon.

[John Pontoon]

Intended. Charming and self-effacing of you to say so. Mwah.