Comics Of The Weak: Been Getting Money Since I Was A Mere Child

The Boys # 34
Written by Garth Ennis
Art by Carlos Ezquerra
Published by Dynamite Entertainment

Q: If Darick Robertson had handled more than the cover, would he have included something that took the joke past "look, it's like Bizarro, but Third Reich-y."

A: Probably not, and Carlos did okay. If there's one thing illustrating Judge Dredd teaches, it's how to pull off effective depictions of brutalization. "I have something caught in my boot. It is your eye juices."

In the eventual collection, the actual story here has a better chance of coming through--but as a single issue, all that "plot" nonsense involving evil corporate businessmen just gets in the way of another example of how World War 2 is a gold mine for fiction writers, and while Ennis goes to that well so many times that he should look into building one next to his toilet, everybody likes watching Nazis get stomped. Especially when one of the stompers is wearing an outfit that shows off his gigantic flaccid penis.

Invincible Iron Man # 17

Written by Matt Fraction

Art by Salvador Larroca

Published by Marvel Comics

It's pretty much accepted that one of the biggest factors behind the creation of shitty, horrible super-hero comics that are only readable as story point delivery systems in the long running role-playing game that is "guy reading a comic he probably outgrew years ago, life as art" is that so many of the people involved in making super-hero comics have an agenda that doesn't extend beyond "wouldn't it be fucking awesome, if?!!?" At the same time, that general "go fucking be fucking awesome, my weenus is so hard right now" attitude does allow for the actual publication of what is, at the end of the day, the tail end of comic shop shit-talk conversations. Case in point: an Iron Man story that is currently building up to the point where Tony Stark is crying because he made number two in his pants, and won't someone, anyone, maybe Pepper, because her breasticles "look like mummys", make him clean again?

Sweet Tooth # 1

By Jeff Lemire

Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

Aw shucks I went into the trees and found me my papa in the ring o firewall and i said gee papa why you sleeping so funny like yer made out of the rocks i put around the jerking space so i could throw em at the dirty snakes when they try to eat my salt maker by climbing up in my peehole you know whatimean papa yer all rock and cold like ima goan eat sum more trash i found on my thinking circle walk it makes me feel all dopey when i go to the giant wood stick when i comming back i hope you out of your sleeping table and ready to do more storytimes i leave the wax fire twigs here cuz i never close my saucer eyes and the moon colors reflect off em like the top of the wishing bucket lookee its a man with a gun maybe he gonna help me find where momma went too gee i hope so

Batman # 690

Written by Judd Winick

Art by Mark Bagley, Rob Hunter & Jack Purcell

Published by DC Comics

It's not like the proper Batman title hasn't been awful while its sister books flourished before, but really, has the gulf between ever been this extensive? Over in Morrison's Batman & Robin, there's a genuine bit of brilliance to be found in the portrayal of Damian, Detective sees the most generic of plots yet to be defeated by some continue-to-surpise art, and even Batman: Confidential--a title which has operated as "worst Bruce Wayne stories ever" for nearly three years running--has taken a shine of its own, due to Peter Milligan's reverence for 90's Batman stories. (Which happens to be, excluding that Resurrection of Ra's al Ghul trainwreck, the last time that Peter Milligan wrote any Batman stories.) And while Judd Winick's detractors remain as obnoxious as those in his fervant worship, the truth is pretty simple: this is a lousy, boring comic book about a smiling, moronic Batman who is struggling to deal with 2009's 900th iteration of "secret cabal of villains teaming up", it's structured in a haphazard "here's the end, here's five minutes ago, here's right before right now" fashion that annihilates the already shaky pacing the story's had since the beginning, and, of course, it's illustrated by Mark Bagley, who is about as far removed from the ideal Batman illustrator as Studs Terkel would be, if Studs was alive and/or could draw. (Even if Bagley wasn't being "assisted" by two inkers and the Big Two's hyperactive coloring squads, he draws "scary" at a grade school level, and even when Batman comics were being sold to grade school reader, it still looked fucking dark.) Of course, periods of shite Batman have been around before--it wasn't that long ago that the Dark Knight had to "fight" an earthquake, thus granting readers the opportunity to see the extent to which 20-something assistant editors don't understand the concept of non-horrible Batman stories. But right now? This is what it looks like at the absolute fucking bottom. 

And here comes Tony Daniel.

Magog # 1

Written by Keith Giffen

Art by Howard Porter

Published by DC Comics

How to tell if Magog is for you:

-Did you ever wonder what it would be like if all of Frank Miller's Dark Knight style "It felt good. It felt right. It felt sexual. Sweat. I killed them. Didn't care. Had it coming. Good war. The war. Only war. There's a puppy. Puppy pup. Climb the stairs. Wash my hairs." type of dialog was pumped into a comic book with a fire hose?

 -Are you really into watching professional wrestler types rip out a person's teeth, but not so into it that you want to see it drawn in a fashion that you might refer to as "skillful"?

-Have you heard about a place called Africa, but not heard enough to know who lives there and what they do, and won't mind if somebody told you the answer was "white guys in safari jackets and those Australian cowboy hats herding tribes of black people around with electronic slave jackets."

-Better hurry up! Rumor is that it was cancelled about four minutes after the idea was approved, i.e., when the people who approved it woke up the next morning and said Oh shit where the hell am I what do you mean Magog NOT AGAIN THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT DEAD ROMEO THING

Wednesday Comics # 9

By A Bunch Of Different People

Published by DC Comics

It turns out that Superman was being made depressed by alien science, as opposed to being depressed because he's in this shitty Superman story, which actually was a lot more believable.

Batman, Kamandi, Hawkman, Supergirl & Paul Pope Does What He Likes were all pretty good. Consistency counts! 

Sergeant Rock finally got to shoot somebody, but he didn't shoot enough people, and so he got hit in the head. He will probably get to shoot people again next week. That's when we'll find out if he learned this week's lesson.

Green Lantern, unfortunately, continues to be about Green Lantern. Have you written a gratitude list about all the sacrifices old people made for you? Well, did you do one today?

Deadman has spent three weeks roaming around old Kirby drawings, and he still hasn't found Etrigan! Can you help him?

Metamorpho is a comic for people who don't like, nor wish to read, comic books.

The Flash was interesting, which will probably get Kerschl and Fletcher in trouble, because Grant Morrison and Geoff Johns have spent the better part of two years trying to prove that Barry Allen should've stayed dead, because he is boring. Flash fact?

Batman: Confidential # 33

Written by Peter Milligan

Art by Andy Clarke & David Baron

Published by DC Comics

Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors.

 Keys, keys open doors.

-Tucker Stone, 2009

Comments

[Chris Jones]

Did Batman just punch a bullet back at those guys?

Like, Batman punched a bullet that was fired from a gun back at the guy who fired it from his gun?

[Tucker Stone]

No, he punched a bullet back at the guy who fired it at him in the 32nd issue of Batman Confidential.

In the 33rd issue, he punched EIGHT bullets back at the guy who fired it at him.

There are two parts left in this story.

[Eric Owens]

If Deadman is going to find Etrigan in Wednesday Comics, he's going to have to get himself to the back pages and deal with a story that's combining the action and pacing of the Superman strip with the comprehensible plotting of the Wonder Woman strip and the art of the Teen Titans strip. Also, Catwoman is more of a prop than a character.

Why does the Magog book exist? I know Alex Ross isn't actually writing the book, but I'm still going to blame him for designing the character, bringing Kingdom Come into the regular DC continuity, and dragging that story out for what felt like a decade. I guess Johns deserves some of the blame for that as well.

I'm usually a pretty nice guy, but you've got a way of bringing out the angry comic critic in me. Thanks for the catharsis.

[Kenny Cather]

The Iron Man review was thought provoking for me. I hope I'm not poking a beehive here, but I was thinking some more about the discussion last week with Lugh and Matt. There's nothing wrong with fun superhero stories. I think most people enjoy those kind of stories (I know I do), which is why movies like Iron Man are so popular. But, business concerns aside, how often are the people making the comics really pulling off fun as opposed to stuff they've thought would be awesome since they were young. Like, Kirkman writes fun comics. I was reading his recent Destroyer series last night and there's nothing substantial there, it's just an old man running around killing bad guys. Wednesday Comics sounds similar - it's 12 pages a week (right?) of enjoyable superhero stories. Why is there a book like, I dunno, Winnick's Batman which does not sound like any fun whatsoever? This is where the sales numbers come into play, which seems to me to be unfortunate shortsightedness.

I enjoyed Jeff Lemire's Tales From Essex County books very much. I should pick up his Vertigo stuff once it's collected.

I didn't realize Ezquerra was working on The Boys with Ennis! That is an awesome combination! I mean, it makes total sense, Ezquerra to Ennis is like Hitch to Millar (or, ok, Quitley to Morrison). I'm looking forward to catching up where I left off with that series once more trades are released.

[seth hurley]

I'm pretty sure those are Chechnyan FUDA FUDA FUDA auto-pistols. The black market conversions slow the ammo release down enough that you could deflect them with proper body armor.

Batman certainly couldn't pull that off back in the day with the old BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA Kalashnikov's whilst on the trail of the KGBeast.

[Chris Jones]

Like they used to say back in the Army: If it's a FUD, it's a dud.

[Lugh]

Kenny: I feel the mark of a true talent is taking something that starts out as a "Wouldn't it be cool if" thought and turning it into a coherent story, interesting to people besides themselves and die-hards. Contrary to popular belief not every creator who's a fan of something just wants to write fan service. Sometimes it motivates them to do their best.

[Matthew J. Brady]

After that Sweet Tooth review, I want to read a comic that you write in that style. That's good stuff, make it happen.

[Kenny Cather]

Lugh, I actually agree with you. I'm not trying to cause tension with this, but who do you think does that - turns "wouldn't it be cool if..." into something interesting beyond the diehards? Jeff Parker did it with World War Hulk, and I could make arguements for Millar, Ellis, and Morrison, but how many others can really do it? It sounds like a few guys are doing in it Wednesday comics.

Alan Moore can, too, but he's not even trying anymore. LoEG is basically for literary diehards who also read comics, and how many of those are there?

Does Brubaker make the list? Fraction? I dunno, I'm not familiar enough with their Marvel work.

[LurkerWithout]

What did Jeff Parker write during World War Hulk? Do yo mean Greg Pak?

[afdumin]

That SWEET TOOTH review was spot on. Thanks!

[Lugh]

Yeah, I'd say the assessment of Ed Brubaker as someone who's risen from fanboyism very well is spot on. I mean, come on, bringing back Bucky? Making him a bad guy? Then making him Captain America? In the hands of a lesser talent, that would have been a dull and retarded retread of Cap history that would be reverted as soon as possible with some clone/life model decoy hand wave.

Other writers do this, and have been doing this, for years. It's not only limited to comics, either. Philip Jose Farmer's Wold Newton fictional biography stuff was an effective use of a "Oh man wouldn't it be cool IF" scenario.

As usual, things which are terrible in the hands of fools are great in the hands of the gifted.

[Brian Nicholson]

Dead-on appraisal of that Wednesday Comics Metamorpho strip. It made me think "Neil Gaiman shouldn't be allowed to write comics."