The Factual Opinion

The Virgin Read: So Long As Men Can Breathe Or Eyes Can See

Each week, the non-comics reading Nina Stone picks out one random comic book based off her own made up criteria, reads it, and then writes about that experience. While she's been doing these columns for awhile, she's only successfully managed to remember and keep up with one series. This week, she picked Achewood Volume 2.

Achewood Volume 2: Worst Song, Played On Ugliest Guitar
By Chris Onstad
Published by Dark Horse & Achewood

God Bless Achewood and Chris Onstad.

Why did I wait? After reading The Great Outdoor fight and loving it, you’d think I’d keep up, right? Well, that’ll all change now. Now that I’ve read Achewood in its daily format of Achewood-by-injection, I am so totally hooked. 

By the way, The Prologue and History of Achewood, which I would have probably skipped if it had been any other book, are works of genius all their own, totally worth the purchase price. The history is told by Onstad as if he was renting rooms in his house to the the various characters. They arrive in their various ways to rent space in his head. They end up renting it in ours too. (Man, I want to rent space in Chris Onstad’s head. What a cool, wet place to be.)

After these little vignettes, we get even more of Chris. First it's in the “Alt Text” that appears under every comic. And then, below that, is the commentary from now, reflecting back on the work. It’s a commentary on the commentary and is often as hilarious as the strip itself. Now, aside from Chris Onstad’s brain, what else makes Achewood so funny, so enjoyable, you ask?

I have a long and circuitous way of telling you.

Something about this book reminded me of another reading experience of mine way back in the early 80s. Okay, 1981 to be exact. No, I wasn’t reading comics. So what could it be? Oddly it was Delia Ephron’s “How to Eat Like a Child", which has since become a TV show, a musical, a recording, etc.  But way back then, it was a simple book, a book of instructions on, well, How To Eat Like a Child and How To Laugh Hysterically and How to Tease your Sister, those sorts of things. I remember the pure enjoyment I got out of reading that book. More so than any other up to that point. I wanted to share it  (much like my Achewood experience, where I made my husband sit down and listen while I read parts of Achewood’s History to him. With expressio.) and so I got up in front of my Sixth Grade class and read it to them. Let me explain to you the significance of this. That was an awful year for me. I entered it as an innocent little one into a class with four other girls who had failed the year before, and were thus thirteen-year-old-black-eyeliner-wearing-Van-Halen-listening-pot-smoking-breast-developping teenagers. They were also dumber than bags of hair, but I didn’t know that then. I was so intimidated by them, and when they called me a “goody-goody”, that moment served as the signpost to the end of my life. Getting up in from of them, with confidence, and acting out stories for them (maybe it wasn't goody-goody, but it was certainly drama-geek sort of way) stands, to me, as a testament to how much pleasure can outweigh fear. 

What was it about that book? Well here’s two lines from it’s description on Amazon: “Universal and timeless, Delia Ephron's How to Eat Like a Child is a delightful revisiting of the joys -- and tricky ploys -- of childhood” and “After the giggles of recognition have subsided, one thing will be very clear: all adults are kids in grown-ups' clothing.”

And that’s really the thing with that book and with Achewood, for me. It's the giggles of recognition, made better in Achewood because it’s so absurd! I’m not just identifying with behavior, I’m identifying with the behavior of a bear or a squirrel or a robot! I’m identifying with knowing people just like these characters and with Onstad's idea of "tweeking squirrels".

"One thing will be very clear: all adults are kids in grown-ups' clothing.” Or, in this case, after the recognition we realize that all adults are kids in grown-ups clothing who are even funnier when they are illustrated by the personification of animals. Am I right, or am i right?

And just as I’m buying into these characters, I'll read a series of frames that reminds me that they are, actually, animals. They're pets, taking over while the people are away. It might be an attempt to drive a car or the sight of Ray sitting on a motorcycle. (That was the best. Suddenly, Ray is drawn to scale. He's the size of an actual cat…on a motorcycle. And if that’s not cute enough, Ray in his thonged glory sits side-saddle. Onstad comments, and my laughs get doubled.)

Don’t you just laugh out loud reading this? I was on the subway and read Silk Robe. I hadn’t even read the title. What was hilarious was that although the comic was about Tedor being bummed about Penny, the whole comic lies in the two end frames where the robe is first stuck in between Cornelius' butt cheeks as he walks away. And in the final panel he reaches back and pulls it out with the sound effect “umph” in the left of the panel. Hysterical! I laughed out loud! For the 643^rd time!!

I could just go on and on. I have so many favorite moments in this book that I'll just go ahead and tell you that I LOVE it. I love this book, I love this comic, I love these characters. Man, I wish you were here right now because I’d just sit you down and read to you from this book, just like I did in the sixth grade. This thing is pure joy. Everyone needs Achewood in their life.

-Nina Stone, 2009

Comics Of The Weak: All Of These Things Are Exactly Like Each Other

Kick-Ass # 7
Written by Mark Millar
Art by John Romita Jr.
Published by Marvel Comics

Jesus, that John Romita Jr. can draw his fucking ass off, can't he? Look at these fat guys:

Damn, those fat guys are beautiful, you can feel just how much they love their life, every child-killing minute of it. That's some Joie De Vivre right there, and when's the last time a comic had pure Joie De Vivre? And it's like they're looking right at the reader! Wonder if that MEANS something.

Okay, yes: this comic is pure Millar, dumb as shit, dumber probably. There's very little of the "gay people fart" shit this time, but it still doesn't have any overt racism, or invert racism...you know, it isn't racist. It should be, it's just more proof that Johnny Ryan should try writing a script for a guy like Jim Lee to illustrate, something about how Captain America farts on inner city black kids while saying "Candy apples for future felons", but Millar's only willing to impart sarcasm towards whatever segment of the population he feels sure is most uninterested in his comics, and since that's whatever "fuck you"--like, sure, never mind that the specificity of the offense makes it seem like, shit, dude is scared of gay people? Look, retard: Ennis already showed you how it works--you flip off everybody, race/creed/where they like dick, that's how us proles know you're kidding. Kick-Ass is still a comic that goes pretty far with its joke, that's always been its one winning quality, it goes pretty far--not as far as manga, but hey, manga has fucking courage and individuality, this is American comics, we're a bunch of children when it comes to anything but violence--but, like before, as always, Kick-Ass doesn't go far enough. Maybe it will at the end, although Mark Millar has never written a good ending in his life, not once, so unless he's able to convince Romita Jr. to draw a teenager fucking a child on top of a pile of corpses--which can only gross you out if you've been just as grossed out by said teenager and said child committing mass slaughter on a last-six-issue-basis--it probably won't. It'll be some more anti-you, Romita, and then we'll move onto Prison Pit and another shitty Nicholas Cage movie. By next year, it'll just turn into an Example of How Comics Writers Don't Respect The Fans. Which--well, you can't say it's not a good thing. Because--hell you read Titans right? Fans suck.

Titans # 17

Written by Pat McCallum

Art by Angel Unzueta, Wayne Faucher & HI-FI DESIGN

Published by DC Comics

The buzz around this fucking thing has been spectacular! Nobody seems to like it, and that's a survey that really has to dig for responses, because nobody seems to buy it either. It's just a fucking loser, right out of the gate! But you read it, and it's just more low-grade whatever--the same "comics readers suck" joke that's in Kick-Ass, the same "your hair used to look dumb" writing that is in Adventure Comics (because it DID look DUMB, and EVERYBODY knows that, because these characters are OLD, get it, don't you REMEMBER, you READ those) and then it's the same "let's squirt out some talk therapy" moments that are in Batman...hell, even the art is just there, but it's bad-by-blandness instead of bad by "look at this shit it's awful". The only thing that really sticks with your mind when you read this is that the main character--Garfield Logan, he's the green one--is a total loser who sits in a convention hall, but he's thinking he should mentor the Teen Titans, which makes the Teen Titans hilariously worse (and they already suck, apparently) because they would benefit from the presence of someone who is a complete shit-for-brains. So it's like Kingpin? (Not the fat guy. The bowling movie. Where the old lady makes the cunnilingus face.)

The Marvels Project # 2
Written by Ed Brubaker
Art by Steve Epting & Dave Stewart
Published by If You Can't Tell You're The Problem

You get these chapters in books once a month, and sometimes you say "I'll wait for the trade" and sometimes you mean "I'll never want to read this" but sometimes you mean "This isn't going to be good in monthly installments" and sometimes, if you talk too much, it means "I have a set amount I spend and things are things and people are people and i read an article about health insurance". That's what happens, and that's fine, but sometimes you check in with a book that comes out and its a whole section of that Under The Hood thing Alan Moore wrote (which was a fake excerpt in the first place) but now it's a full comic story, with a break for Nick Fury teaching you about where Captain America came from, again, for the 900th time, while Frankenstein (The Torch) hangs out in the woodshed where the mafia tortures people by not using cheesily accented speeches. "You'll talk, you spice-y meat-ball-a, you'll talk-a good." Which is...well, it's not wrong or anything. (See: life.) But it's not really that good, it's sort of like when Gotham Central said "hey, I'm not fucking cheesy, why am I being published? Put the Spectre inside of me. Spectre always sells really well." (See: bad at job.) "Wait, that didn't work? Shit, people must have wanted me to take the Spectre inside my body at the very beginning." Which--that was Brubaker, sort of, although he'd left for solving problems by then, but here, at Marvel, this is all his. It's what again? Capes and domino masks? Errol Flynn mustaches? Is Alex Toth still dead? He is? Oh, then nobody else should draw Errol Flynn mustaches. Shouldn't, because Toth owned mustaches. He didn't even take credit for them at the time. He couldn't, but still. Didn't.

Blackest Night Batman # 2
Written by Peter Tomasi
Art by Ardian Syaf, Vincente Cifuentes & Nei Ruffino
Published by DC Comics

Whereas Blackest Night is the horror movie that isn't scary, Blackest Night Batman is that other kind of "horror-but-not-really" movie, the action-with-gore kind. Old men yell "empty!" and get new shotguns thrown to them from their cripple daughters, people hide out in rooms and listen to unnamed side characters die in pain, somebody gets a drill shoved into their chest, reinforcements show up out of nowhere in giant machines, guns blazing...it's all very fast, a story that takes place in minutes. Even though it's a Batman title, it's an off-brand Batman title, and since DC has learned that the best way to keep people happy is to admit that these sorts of comics are just straight cash grabs that prey on Peter Tomasi completionists, nothing of consequence happens in it. (Consequence meaning that the story can be ignored completely if one just wants to read Batman comics, or if one just wants to read the Blackest Night story.) It's got bad guys like the Trigger Twins & Blockbuster, the references are to old Devin Grayson Nightwing stories, it's a pure Wikipedia read. It shows Batman, Damian & Tim Drake shooting monster types with flamethrowers on the cover. It's a gory action movie with Batman in it. One's appreciation for it is based around whether or not they think Devils Rejects would have been better if William Forsythe's character had been played by Christian Bale.

Five Panels From Ultimate Comics Avengers # 2

Written by Mark Millar

Art by Carlos Pacheco, Danny Miki, Justin Ponsor, Dexter Vines, Crime Lab Studios and it just keeps going on and on, because...you're supposed to bring up Kirby or something, we usually just complain about Photoshop. Whatever, nobody seems to give a shit about it, it's just accepted that it takes a small squadron of people to finish the art on comics even though it still looks like all the old people have these weird scratches drawn on their carbon copy faces.

Published by Marvel Comics

Same joke from All Star Batman, same as it was in Watchmen. Probably more attributable to Watchmen, since Cap's mask is drawn like Nite Owl's. Either way, doesn't add anything to the story but another "here's something else you already read" moment.

Whoever came up with the blue lines in the background--that was a good choice. Scene is still grotesque, but it is the origin of the Red Skull, and his origin isn't one that should really be very pleasant.

Question: whose fault is it that Hawkeye is the only cool one? Answer: the person who wrote the comic.

Same scene was in Civil War--open with an Alan Moore reference, close with a reference to one's own work. It's an old Ruben Bolling trick.

Punisher Frank Castle Max The # 74

Written by Victor Gischler

Art by Goran Parlov & Lee Loughridge

Published by Marvel Comics

There's four pages in this comic that use a panel size that isn't a widescreen cinemascope rectangle. Since it's extra long, that means the other 30-odd pages are all stacks of rectangles, pages of them. It can't build any momentum towards it's true conclusion, because it's just boring, repetitive design. There's only four panels in the entire issue that use a perspective that isn't eye-level, excepting about five that consist of a character looking down at something near their feet. (Which is eye-level, just downcast eye-level.) That's the visual qualities available for the entire comic. Earlier in this storyline, the artist was given the opportunity to draw a giant alligator ripping a live man in half, for the enjoyment of a bunch of sister-fucking redneck cannibals. This issue, a giant mongoloid cradles a stuffed animal, and the Punisher breaks a woman's neck with one hand right after saying "Say goodbye to crazy." That's pretty much exactly what is supposed to happen in a Punisher comic book, and so it does, and seriously--Adventure Comics, Ultimate Comics Avengers, more than half of the Big Two comics that came out this week--or any week, really--are stuck in that same boring panel design. There are splash pages, sure, splash pages that deliver the "fuck yeah" moment, or the writer/artist interpretation of whatever the "fuck yeah" moments are. But it's still the same fucking rectangle pages, over and over again.

And yet--Goran Parlov, the artist for this particular issue--used a lot of rectangular panels when he was illustrating the Ennis run on Punisher, and it wasn't problematic then. In all probability, it only seems problematic because this comic happens to arrive at the same time one is reading multiple issues, all by different creators, and seeing the exact same storytelling techniques over and over again, regardless of the content of the book or the characters used. (The fault for the panel where a character's eyes are missing from their face rests on the art team and their editor, sure, but the fact that at least three other new comics use the exact same visual structure isn't on the Punisher guys, who actually created a decent conclusion to the only good Punisher story since Valley Forge, Valley Forge.) 

But that panel structure asks a pretty damning question: what kind of content do you want in your same-y pages? You want a couple of idiots talking about comic book continuity? You want a scientist getting his brains smashed in? You want to see the Punisher teamed up with a scrawny black kid who, in the smartest visual bit of the story, is wearing a t-shirt with a gigantic letter on it, so that he looks like he's Robin by way of Daredevil, especially when he and Frank have to jump off a pier? Because if you want interesting panel design, or you want interesting drawings, or you just would prefer--you know, comics that are trying to live up to something, as opposed to this safe ass pudding school--you can't read these things. They don't have it on a regular enough basis to make it any more reliable than a lottery ticket, and very few of them are drawn by somebody half as interesting as Goran Parlov. But if you just want to read something on a computer--or a PSP, or an iPhone--it's pretty clear that DC & Marvel are getting you ready for it. All they have to do is give up completely, and they're more than halfway there.

Adventure Comics # 2
Written by Geoff Johns
Art by Francis Manapul & Brian Buccellato
Published by DC Comics

Whereas Superman was created, sort of, because a couple of kids had some crazy ideas and a lot of love to give, Superboy--this one, at least--was created during the shitty old days at the "buy ten copies, polybagged for anal protection" processing plant. Hell, if more people had given a shit about the one who wore sunglasses, he would've gotten his own series too. He kinda did.

That fucking cover-man, that's something. Stupid as fuck, but that's something. That actually happens, just so you know, the dog actually picks up the picnic table so that Superboy and Wonder Girl can share a really chaste kiss E.T. style. The issue itself is just as moronic, it's mostly a conversation postponing the question of whether or not these two characters are going to fuck each other again--a bad idea, since that's the most interesting thing they're capable of doing. The Girl cries because she kissed another boy after her boyfriend died in a fire--the kiss happened in a graveyard, which continues the Geoff-Johns-comics-with-graveyard-cameos contest of 2009--and then the dog lifts up the table while Ma Kent (who looks like Ultimate Spider-Man's Aunt May now?) watches through a window. Oh, and Lex Luthor has teamed up with Brainiac, just like in that Alan Moore comic.

Wait, three people "paid homage" to Alan this week? Doesn't that mean something? 

Oh, that's every week, isn't it.

-Tucker Stone, 2009

Music of the Weak: The 100 Greatest Songs of the Millennium (So Far) - #200-101

Music of the Weak’s countdown of the 100 Greatest Songs of the last 10 years is on a bit of a hiatus while your trusty music columnist gets prepared for his other massive, current project (which you should totally check out if you’re in NYC in September). When we return, we’ll be counting down the last forty songs in our regular Thursday night slot. In the meantime, please enjoy this list of the next hundred best songs of the young millennium (2000-2009) which follows the same ground rules as the top hundred (one song per artist, etc.), complete with links to YouTube clips/imeem/whatever’s out there.

200. Guided By Voices – “The Brides Have Hit Glass” (2001)
199. Teengirl Fantasy – “Portofino” (2009)
198. Lil’ Flip – “The Way We Ball” (2002)
197. I Monster – “Daydream in Blue” (2001)
196. Andrew WK – “Party Hard” (2001)
195. Voxtrot – “Soft & Warm” (2006)
194. The Roots – “Water” (2002)
193. The Avalanches – “Electricity” (2000)
192. Elliott Smith – “Happiness” (2000)
191. Hypnotic Brass Ensemble – “War” (2009)

190. E-40 – “Tell Me When to Go” (Feat. Keak da Sneak)” (2006)
189. Franz Nicolay – “Quiet Where I Lie” (2009)
188. Guillemots – “Made Up Love Song #34” (2006)
187. Dyme Def – “Get Off Me” (2009)
186. Gang Gang Dance – “House Jam” (2008)
185. Viktor Vaughn – “Let Me Watch (Feat.Apani B. As Nikki)” (2003)
184. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah – “The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth” (2005)
183. Young Jeezy – “And Then What (Feat. Mannie Fresh)” (2005)
182. The National – “The Geese of Beverly Road” (2005)
181. Air France – “No Excuses” (2008)

180. Roots Manuva – “Too Cold” (2005)
179. The Walkmen – “We’ve Been Had” (2002)
178. Ms. Dynamite – “Dy-Na-Mi-Tee” (2002)
177. The Coup – “Wear Clean Draws” (2001)
176. Junior Senior – “Move Your Feet” (2002)
175. Muscles – “Hey Muscles I Love You” (2007)
174. Death Cab For Cutie – “I Was a Kaleidescope” (2001)
173. Angie Stone – “Wish I Didn’t Miss You” (2002)
172. Wilco – “I Am Trying to Break Your Heart” (2002)
171. Thunderheist – “Jerk It” (2008)

170. De La Soul – “Oooh (Feat. Redman)” (2000)
169. Themselves – “Paging Dr. Moon or Gun” (2002)
168. Nicole Willis & the Soul Investigators – “Feeling Free” (2005)
167. The Sea & Cake – “Weekend” (2008)
166. Art Brut – “Good Weekend” (2005)
165. Mouse On Mars – “Mine is In Yours” (2004)
164. Truth Hurts – “Addictive (Feat. Rakim)” (2002)
163. Fiona Apple – “Extraordinary Machine (Demo)” (2004)
162. The Legendary K.O. – “George Bush Doesn’t Care About Black People” (2005)
161. The Mountain Goats & Kaki King – “Thank You Mario But Our Princess is In Another Castle” (2008)

160. The Hives – “A Little More For Little You” (2004)
159. Four Tet – “She Moves She” (2003)
158. Badly Drawn Boy – “The Shining” (2000)
157. Max Tundra – “Which Song” (2008)
156. Devin the Dude – “Cooter Brown” (2004)
155. Fujiya & Miyagi – “Collarbone” (2006)
154. Johnny Cash – “Nobody” (2000)
153. J Dilla – “So Far to Go (Feat. Common & D’Angelo)” (2006)
152. Memory Tapes – “Bicycle” (2009)
151. Fall Out Boy – “Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down” (2005)

150. Lil’ Mama – “Lip Gloss” (2007)
149. The Research – “Lonely Hearts Still Beat the Same” (2005)
148. Japandroids – “Young Hearts Spark Fire” (2009)
147. Kalabrese – “Hide (Feat. Guillermo Sohrya)” (2007)
146. The Polyphonic Spree – “It’s the Sun” (2001)
145. Fatboy Slim – “Song For Shelter” (2000)
144. N.O.R.E. – “Nothin’” (2002)
143. King Britt & Sister Gertrude Morgan – “I Was Healed By the Wounds” (2005)
142. Electric Six – “I’m the Bomb” (2003)
141. Xiu Xiu – “I Love the Valley OH!” (2004)

140. Jon Brion – “I Believe She’s Lying” (2001)
139. St. Germain – “Rose Rouge” (2001)
138. D’Angelo – “The Root” (2000)
137. Lloyd – “Get It Shawty” (2007)
136. Basement Jaxx – “Good Luck (Featuring Lisa Kekaula)” (2003)
135. Styles P – “Good Times” (2002)
134. Jennifer Lopez – “I’m Real (Feat. Ja Rule)” (2001)
133. Old 97’s – “Rollerskate Skinny” (2001)
132. T.I. – “Bring ‘Em Out (Chopped & Screwed)” (2004)
131. Free Energy – “Dream City” (2009)

130. International Pony – “Leaving Home” (2002)
129. Fleet Foxes – “Mykonos” (2008)
128. Konono Nº1 – “Paradiso” (2005)
127. Rilo Kiley – “A Man/Me/Then Jim” (2004)
126. Lindstrøm – “I Feel Space” (2005)
125. The Game – “Church For Thugs” (2005)
124. The Dodos – “Fools” (2008)
123. !!! – “Me and Giuliani Down By the Schoolyard (A True Story)” (2003)
122. The Flaming Lips – “Do You Realise??” (2002)
121. Yo La Tengo – “Our Way to Fall” (2000) 

120. Hot Chip – “Over & Over” (2005)
119. El-P – “Stepfather Factory” (2001)
118. House of House – “Rushing to Paradise (Walking These Streets)” (2009)
117. Devendra Banhart – “At the Hop” (2004)
116. Gorillaz – “Feel Good, Inc.” (2005)
115. Coldplay – “Yellow” (2000)
114. Ra Ra Riot – “Too Too Too Fast” (2008)
113. Ludacris – “Area Codes (Feat. Nate Dogg)” (2002)
112. Chris Whitley – “Spanish Harlem Incident” (2000)
111. Burial – “Archangel” (2007)

110. Quantic – “Tell It Like You Mean It” (2006)
109. Mystikal – “Shake Ya Ass” (2000)
108. Wolf Parade – “Dear Sons and Daughters of Holy Ghosts” (2005)
107. System of a Down – “Chop Suey!” (2001)
106. Clipse – “Eghck (Feat. Fam-Lay and Clinton Sparks)” (2005)
105. Ryan Adams – “To Be Young (Is to Be Sad, Is to Be High)” (2000)
104. Daft Punk – “High Life” (2001)
103. Missy Elliott – “Get Ur Freak On” (2001)
102. MGMT – “Kids” (2008)
101. Cam’Ron – “Oh Boy (Feat. Juelz Santana)” (2002)

 -Martin Brown, 2009

Television Of The Weak: Mama Brought Out The Blades, Said "Choose One"

This week, we've got Leverage, Mad Men, Project Runway, The Prisoner & Top Chef: Vegas.

Top Chef: Las Vegas – “Vivre Las Vegas” by Martin Brown

Like most other reality shows with a similar structure—a large group of competitors, in this case 17 people, get whittled down one by one to a few finalists, who then compete for the grand prize/title/VH-1 sociopath—Top Chef’s first four or five episodes tend to concentrate on slowly introducing their characters. As much as we consider reality TV to be the highest form of trivial pop culture, the storytelling behind it, when done well, is staggeringly complex. Not only do you have to follow the story arcs of two to three times as many characters as any scripted drama, but you have to understand the dynamics between the individuals, and, sometimes, the dynamics between smaller groups within the larger groups. Additionally, people on reality shows (the good ones) take a long time to reveal themselves. Scripted writers have the advantage of being able to craft 30-second introductory scenes that tell you everything you need to know about a particular character. Reality TV characters, though some of them attempt to reduce themselves to thirty-second versions of “personalities,” tend to really unfold over a period of time, after we see them under a variety of different circumstances. Even then, for some people on these shows, character development never quite reaches the desired level, and people just end up as oh-that’s-the-guy-with-the-thick-Spanish-accent or oh-that’s-the-girl-with-the-mohawk.

This is why, four episodes into a truly promising season, Top Chef: Las Vegas still feels a little disposable. Reality TV in this format is, secretly, long-form storytelling in the style of Mad Men or The Sopranos—an excruciatingly long build-up to a thorny, nuanced central conflict (between the 8 or 9 distinct chefs who end up making it far in the competition) followed by an amazing climax. At least, that’s the hope. The trouble is that they never know exactly what they’re building toward, or whether the groundwork laid in the first episodes will pay off. A couple of seasons ago, a contestant named Lisa became Top Chef: Chicago’s unexpected runner-up. That season, thinking that Lisa was pure cannon-fodder, didn’t focus on her at all in the first half of the season. So, when she started to become a contender, it was a little jarring and pretty unsatisfying. Most people would probably attribute that to Lisa’s acerbic, volatile personality (and questionable skills), but the truth is that it was bad storytelling. It also just happens to be the nature of the reality TV format—you have to write as you go.

The good news about Top Chef: Las Vegas is that they’ve done everything in their power to ensure that the season will be as compelling as possible. The competition is easily twice-as-strong as it has ever been, and includes not only restaurant owners and accomplished chefs, but an actual James Beard award nominee in Kevin, who has won two of the first eight challenges. Right up there with him are Jennifer, a tough-but-delicate head chef from Philly, and two brothers, Michael and Bryan. Each of those three has also snagged a quarter of the wins. The five chefs eliminated so far, have had little discernable dimension to their personalities (unfortunately, as “Vivre Las Vegas” liked to keep bringing up, four of them were women), except for maybe Hector, who got severely browbeaten by the judges for frying a motherfucking steak in the very first challenge. Las Vegas as a setting is ripe with possibility, and the producers have already begun using it to up the stakes of the Quickfire challenges—one was for $15,000; one was for elimination. All in all, it’s been a promising start, but one that—almost by nature—still leaves us without a clear idea of who to root for.

Leverage - "The Ice Man Job" by David Brothers

Last week, Leverage switched up its formula with a gang made up of evil twins. This week? We get another big change, as Hardison and his Best Worst British Accent takes center stage as the gang tries to get some revenge for a diamond robbery that left an innocent man injured and under (figurative and literal) fire. (Sophie outright asks him at one point what accent that's supposed to be, if that's any clue as to how great his accent is.)

Sophie is MIA in this one, leaving Parker to play the seductive grifter and bait for the client. The same Parker that stabbed a guy in the chest with a fork when he got too close a while back. It goes off surprisingly well, as does the confidence game itself. The fish is on the hook, everything is going well, and then Hardison goes and gets kidnapped.

The intra-gang conflict this time around is that Hardison is just a wee bit full of himself. He brags about his skills, he pisses Elliott off enough that Elliott swears not to rescue him if the heist goes wrong, and claims credit for a few heists Parker while he's convincing the mark that he can be trusted. Ever heard of The Ice Man, mate? No? Well, he's only the greatest bloody thief in the history of thievin', ain't he? What're you, mental? Is that it?

Hardison plays the big shot a little too well, basically, and like all big shots, he ends up biting off more than he can chew. This time, he bites off a largely-mute Russian gang. He's got to show off his heist skills by breaking into an impenetrable vault (easy for Parker), subdue a security guard (easy for Elliott), and convince a bunch of Russian thugs that he's not a liar (easy for Sophie).

So the heist soon turns to a rescue slash infiltration slash pantomime mission, as Elliott and Parker clear the way for Hardison while Nate runs interference and Sophie sips martinis somewhere with an off-screen friend.

What's really surprising about this episode, though, is the lack of the smug "And this is how we did it!" sequence. The escape is pretty clever, and somehow Hardison manages to come out smelling like roses.

Again, the power of Leverage? It's all in the cast and their interactions. The actual story, the heist and all, that's all neat and well planned out, but it's how these characters relate to each other, and by relate I mean quarrel and fight, that makes the show go round.

Mad Men - "The Arrangements" by Sean Witzke

"Jai Alai! In seven years, it'll eclipse baseball."

While any sport that involves a ball that can cave in a man's head is something I can endorse, the center of this episode, which focuses on how Americans could never possibly get into it is kind of toothless. Should have been soccer, that would have been a lot more interesting because it lays out American exceptionalism a lot more blatantly even while this stupid rich kid flushes all his money away. Guess they don't need more than two levels working in this episode, but it's a missed opportunity a mile wide.

Ten minutes in Don Draper shows up, sits next to Jared Harris. Suddenly the show gets interesting, and that's the problem - I don't care about 90% of these characters. Don and Betty Draper, Roger Sterling, Joan Holloway, even Peggy Olsen I care about a little. I cared about Don's hot beatnik girlfriend who disappeared early on. Actually, that element has been missing since season one, that one character who is completely on the other side of the culture as Don but still spends a lot of time with him. The whole advertising angle was originally supposed to foster that art vs. commerce/ culture war front lines thing but I guess they didn't find that very interesting (I DID, GODDAMNIT!). Salvatore Romano - the gay guy - is an incredible stereotype but goddamn if there isn't some true nuance in his character (him in bed with his wife, and the way her face falls as he shows how much he loves his job when he can barely touch her, that's truly good stuff). The rest - they're paper dolls and straw men. The grandpa storyline that's going on right now - it's about the conflict between a generation of WW1 dads and their kids, which isn't something we've seen a lot of in dramatic fiction. But it's an idea, it really doesn't seem like this is a real issue for Don Draper - it's a contrivance. It's the kind of crap they throw in the first half of the season. Draper's going to go through something soul-destroying by the end of the season, but I'm pretty sure that we're not going to get Wire/Shield-style huge moments in the third or fourth episode. Betty Draper isn't going to haul off and have the baby right now this episode and then post-partum depression kill the baby the next episode, and six more of aftermath, or a 16 plot point car pileup. Season 2 didn't really light itself on fire until the last six episodes and that's just how it's going to be - the grandad dies. Who fucking cares? I care about how Betty is going to react but that shit isn't in this episode. The little girl with the lisp yells at her family and the final result is like the kid with the pigtails from the Brady Bunch watching that buddhist monk immolate himself on tv. Its almost a juxtaposition, but the end result doesn't move beyond being ridiculous.

Elsewhere in the episode - Joan Holloway gives Peggy advice, which is an interesting callback to season one, and she's speaking the truth - but it's a driveby. She's also in it for another like, 30 second shot. People don't watch the show for her or anything. Like Joan, all the interesting characters are slighted here - it's all Grandpa and Peggy, with a little bit of Don and Sal thrown in to keep it interesting. Betty is here too - having nothing to do other than smoke even though her dad dies in this episode. The girl from Undeclared meets Peggy to audition (is that the right word?) to be her roomate, and is a total whore. You remember Undeclared? Seth Rogen was on it and Loudon Wainright (I totally met that guy once), and it wasn't very good. Whatever the actress' name is, she wasn't very good either.

At least some of this show is about being a parent/the current generation and not being able to understand or predict the actions of their children/the coming generation. The Grandpa dying right now is kind of blatant symbolism that this whole thing, this entire world is fucked and about to die or at very least mutate. At least partially because of Don Draper's own attitudes and actions (on the micro scale anyhow). Don Draper is an honest man who lies all the time, Pete Campbell is a scum-sucking money whore. I know this, you know this. They keep telling us anyway. Don is ruthless, though. After he warns the trust fund kid who is going to piss everything away, he gives up and gets ready to bilk him like the rest of them. The difference is that Don gives him an out first.

Project Runway - "Rumble On The Runway" by Nina Stone

I ask you, in a challenge about surf wear, why were there so few bathing suits and ready-to-wear items? Why didn't the judges give the contestants more shit about that? Is it just me, or in past seasons would the judges go on and on about how no one really got the idea of the challenge correct?

Why was Mitchel on this show? I ask you! The first week I thought things just went bad for him and I was rooting for him to get better. The second week I thought, yikes! Maybe just a bit of bad luck? But this week? I mean, he actually said things out loud along the lines of "I know I'm the team captain but I'm hoping he'll carry me." After being in the bottom two for two weeks, wouldn't you feel a little more motivated? Yet he's just joking around and knowing he's totally in trouble. I lost all respect for him, and I barely respected him to begin with. Again, I ask, why was he on this show? HOW did he get on here? He's not even good looking!

Is there so little actually going on this season they have to focus solely on one person? I mean, R'amon won, after an entire episode of bitching and being sure he was going to lose - so yeah, wow, big turn around. But they just focused on him and the other team that was fighting, no one else. Are all the designers just boring people this season?

And what happened to Bluefly.com? Now it's all about Macy's. And no mention of Bluefly. Odd, huh?

Speaking of which - bye-bye TRESemme Hair Salon and hello drugstore Garnier. Who actually uses crappy Garnier hair products? If they go any cheaper next year the sponsor will be "Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific."

And speaking of hair -- who fuckin' sketches hair styles before doing them? Seriously? That was just ridiculous. I mean that was more pretentious than PC on Prep School.

Oh, and who was that old, French Yoda in the judges chair? I felt like he was actually a waiter from craft services and they were like, "Michael Kors broke a nail and can't come in. Come in here, you...do you know anything about fashion?  No? It's fine, just speak in in short phrases and talk about food, no one will know the difference." And the chick from the O.C....what happened to her hair? Is that what happens when you commit to Garnier Hair Products? What the hell happened to all those O.C. girls? They've all gone straight downhill, and that show only went off the air a few years ago.

And finally - does Heidi Klum ever have a bad day? I mean, she's just all sunshine and gorgeousness and I can't help but love her. Neither can my husband. And suddenly, while under her televised influence I'm all like, "you can totally sleep with her if you get the chance, honey. She's dreamy. I want this for you." What?!? But, yeah, I'd watch Heidi do anything. So even if this season of Project Runway turns out to be not-so-great I'll still watch it. I'll watch it for Heidi.

The Prisoner - "Chimes of Big Ben" by Tucker Stone

Yeah, this is more like it. According to the shit that shows up on the Internet, this gets argued as a possible second episode. Fuck that, the Number Six here is a rough, cynical dude who barely cares when a new female gets chucked in front of him like raw meat to a tiger. He doesn't agree to a team up until nearly half-way through the episode, and even when he does, his plan--to build a boat and sail away, Yacht Rock style (god, i love that episode's climax) is one that he doesn't even hide, choosing to openly display it in the Village's arts and crafts fair. It's not that he doesn't try, he does, and when he realizes that he's been jerked around once again in that brilliant final scene, his anger is real. But it's also something McGoohan expertly cuts off, internalizing his rage and disappointment (in himself, because he had once again fallen for yet another damsel in distress) as he returns to his apartment, cage & exile.

It's a good, good episode, my favorite since "The Arrival", and while it carries with it a bit of by-the-numbers behavior--seriously, is every episode going to be about the time Number Six tried to escape and then found out he couldn't trust anybody in the final scene--it's greatest strength comes from the fact that it knows its by-the-numbers. His captors know he'll try to get away, and he does. He knows they'll catch him, and they do. But that's the message he wants to send, that his integrity matters more than the reality of his situation. He can't get away.

But fuck them if he won't at least try.

-Martin Brown, David Brothers, Sean Witzke, Nina & Tucker Stone, 2009

The Virgin Read: Mightily Tearing Through A Solo Vacation

The Mighty # 8
Written by Peter J. Tomasi & Keith Champagne
Art by Chris Samnee & John Kalisz
Published by DC Comics

Happy Labor Day! I think that's the most oxymoronic holiday we have. A day in the name of Labor and we, as a nation, all take the whole weekend off. I'm not complaining or anything...I'm just sayin'.

I chose to ready The Mighty this week, and what a pleasure it turned out to be! I had a couple of other books in hand at first--there was a Supergirl comic and a Spider-Man issue that almost made it home-- but I decided to go with something that caught my eye and looked like something I might not normally take a chance on. I don't have a good explanation for that, except that I seem to enjoy writing these more when I've read a comic that I had no advance knowledge of when I picked it.

I really enjoyed it. The very first page depiction of a coffin was well-drawn. It got me wanting to pay attention immediately, and the sequence on the next page, which is a close-up of the husband grieving, followed by a slow pan out to include the man I would come to know is Alpha One, got me excited to find out what was going on.

What I found so well written in this story was all the stuff that was unwritten. The subtext. I've never read this series before, but I clearly understood that not everything was as it seems. Now, that's hard to do, don't you think? In film it's easier to pick up on because you have either good actors and/or great film direction and usually some sort of musical underscore to help tell the viewer that "things are not as they seem." But in print? In comics? I can't imagine that's easy.

And although it was clear to me that things were a little wonky - I didn't totally know what, exactly, it was. I did not know why Cole (the grieving man) dug up an old body and cut off its hand, but I was intrigued by it, rather than feeling excluded by it. I felt the same way again when I watched Alpha One bury a nuke in a baseball field. It was clear that he wasn't telling anyone about this. I was left to wonder just what kind of super hero this guy is? Has the story been that he's the type to create problems so that he can then go solve them and look like the hero? I knew that I wouldn't be finding out the answer to that question in this issue, as he set the timer for 72 hours. But again, I did not feel excluded by the comic for not knowing this, I just felt invited, actually, to stay tuned--but not in a way that felt greedy. I felt like I was being given as much of the story that the comic could hold, with a touch of "more to come".

It certainly helped that I liked the art. Not just for the way things were drawn, but for the fact that the art was used to tell as much of the story as was the dialogue. If not more. In fact, just like in life, the words often contradicted the action - so it was the art that held the real story. I love that!

Now, of course, I have since sought the answers to my questions. It was almost an episode of I Didn't Even Ask. But it went more like this: 

"Do you really want to know everything that happened up until this issue?"

Me: "Well...yeah. Wait...okay, yeah."

And I have also learned that the series is probably going to be cancelled. !!! Seriously? Why? This is really good. This is a complex superhero story. This has real human motivation and emotion all over it. And intrigue! And it uses the comic form really well! Why don't people want to read this? I'm learning that the comic book industry can be so heartbreaking.

So, if you haven't read any of it, go read it. I wanna buy the previous issues and catch up. I'm kind of bummed. I could have gotten into this one.

-Nina Stone, 2009

Comics Of The Weak: Been Getting Money Since I Was A Mere Child

The Boys # 34
Written by Garth Ennis
Art by Carlos Ezquerra
Published by Dynamite Entertainment

Q: If Darick Robertson had handled more than the cover, would he have included something that took the joke past "look, it's like Bizarro, but Third Reich-y."

A: Probably not, and Carlos did okay. If there's one thing illustrating Judge Dredd teaches, it's how to pull off effective depictions of brutalization. "I have something caught in my boot. It is your eye juices."

In the eventual collection, the actual story here has a better chance of coming through--but as a single issue, all that "plot" nonsense involving evil corporate businessmen just gets in the way of another example of how World War 2 is a gold mine for fiction writers, and while Ennis goes to that well so many times that he should look into building one next to his toilet, everybody likes watching Nazis get stomped. Especially when one of the stompers is wearing an outfit that shows off his gigantic flaccid penis.

Invincible Iron Man # 17

Written by Matt Fraction

Art by Salvador Larroca

Published by Marvel Comics

It's pretty much accepted that one of the biggest factors behind the creation of shitty, horrible super-hero comics that are only readable as story point delivery systems in the long running role-playing game that is "guy reading a comic he probably outgrew years ago, life as art" is that so many of the people involved in making super-hero comics have an agenda that doesn't extend beyond "wouldn't it be fucking awesome, if?!!?" At the same time, that general "go fucking be fucking awesome, my weenus is so hard right now" attitude does allow for the actual publication of what is, at the end of the day, the tail end of comic shop shit-talk conversations. Case in point: an Iron Man story that is currently building up to the point where Tony Stark is crying because he made number two in his pants, and won't someone, anyone, maybe Pepper, because her breasticles "look like mummys", make him clean again?

Sweet Tooth # 1

By Jeff Lemire

Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

Aw shucks I went into the trees and found me my papa in the ring o firewall and i said gee papa why you sleeping so funny like yer made out of the rocks i put around the jerking space so i could throw em at the dirty snakes when they try to eat my salt maker by climbing up in my peehole you know whatimean papa yer all rock and cold like ima goan eat sum more trash i found on my thinking circle walk it makes me feel all dopey when i go to the giant wood stick when i comming back i hope you out of your sleeping table and ready to do more storytimes i leave the wax fire twigs here cuz i never close my saucer eyes and the moon colors reflect off em like the top of the wishing bucket lookee its a man with a gun maybe he gonna help me find where momma went too gee i hope so

Batman # 690

Written by Judd Winick

Art by Mark Bagley, Rob Hunter & Jack Purcell

Published by DC Comics

It's not like the proper Batman title hasn't been awful while its sister books flourished before, but really, has the gulf between ever been this extensive? Over in Morrison's Batman & Robin, there's a genuine bit of brilliance to be found in the portrayal of Damian, Detective sees the most generic of plots yet to be defeated by some continue-to-surpise art, and even Batman: Confidential--a title which has operated as "worst Bruce Wayne stories ever" for nearly three years running--has taken a shine of its own, due to Peter Milligan's reverence for 90's Batman stories. (Which happens to be, excluding that Resurrection of Ra's al Ghul trainwreck, the last time that Peter Milligan wrote any Batman stories.) And while Judd Winick's detractors remain as obnoxious as those in his fervant worship, the truth is pretty simple: this is a lousy, boring comic book about a smiling, moronic Batman who is struggling to deal with 2009's 900th iteration of "secret cabal of villains teaming up", it's structured in a haphazard "here's the end, here's five minutes ago, here's right before right now" fashion that annihilates the already shaky pacing the story's had since the beginning, and, of course, it's illustrated by Mark Bagley, who is about as far removed from the ideal Batman illustrator as Studs Terkel would be, if Studs was alive and/or could draw. (Even if Bagley wasn't being "assisted" by two inkers and the Big Two's hyperactive coloring squads, he draws "scary" at a grade school level, and even when Batman comics were being sold to grade school reader, it still looked fucking dark.) Of course, periods of shite Batman have been around before--it wasn't that long ago that the Dark Knight had to "fight" an earthquake, thus granting readers the opportunity to see the extent to which 20-something assistant editors don't understand the concept of non-horrible Batman stories. But right now? This is what it looks like at the absolute fucking bottom. 

And here comes Tony Daniel.

Magog # 1

Written by Keith Giffen

Art by Howard Porter

Published by DC Comics

How to tell if Magog is for you:

-Did you ever wonder what it would be like if all of Frank Miller's Dark Knight style "It felt good. It felt right. It felt sexual. Sweat. I killed them. Didn't care. Had it coming. Good war. The war. Only war. There's a puppy. Puppy pup. Climb the stairs. Wash my hairs." type of dialog was pumped into a comic book with a fire hose?

 -Are you really into watching professional wrestler types rip out a person's teeth, but not so into it that you want to see it drawn in a fashion that you might refer to as "skillful"?

-Have you heard about a place called Africa, but not heard enough to know who lives there and what they do, and won't mind if somebody told you the answer was "white guys in safari jackets and those Australian cowboy hats herding tribes of black people around with electronic slave jackets."

-Better hurry up! Rumor is that it was cancelled about four minutes after the idea was approved, i.e., when the people who approved it woke up the next morning and said Oh shit where the hell am I what do you mean Magog NOT AGAIN THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT DEAD ROMEO THING

Wednesday Comics # 9

By A Bunch Of Different People

Published by DC Comics

It turns out that Superman was being made depressed by alien science, as opposed to being depressed because he's in this shitty Superman story, which actually was a lot more believable.

Batman, Kamandi, Hawkman, Supergirl & Paul Pope Does What He Likes were all pretty good. Consistency counts! 

Sergeant Rock finally got to shoot somebody, but he didn't shoot enough people, and so he got hit in the head. He will probably get to shoot people again next week. That's when we'll find out if he learned this week's lesson.

Green Lantern, unfortunately, continues to be about Green Lantern. Have you written a gratitude list about all the sacrifices old people made for you? Well, did you do one today?

Deadman has spent three weeks roaming around old Kirby drawings, and he still hasn't found Etrigan! Can you help him?

Metamorpho is a comic for people who don't like, nor wish to read, comic books.

The Flash was interesting, which will probably get Kerschl and Fletcher in trouble, because Grant Morrison and Geoff Johns have spent the better part of two years trying to prove that Barry Allen should've stayed dead, because he is boring. Flash fact?

Batman: Confidential # 33

Written by Peter Milligan

Art by Andy Clarke & David Baron

Published by DC Comics

Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors.

 Keys, keys open doors.

-Tucker Stone, 2009

Television Of The Weak: Gotta Pull Out Of Carson City

This week, we've got Mad Men, Leverage, True Blood, Project Runway & The Prisoner

Leverage - "The Two Live Crew Job" by David Brothers

Even the best show can get dry. Formulas repeat, formerly charming character bits get old, and then suddenly you're not sure why Family Guy isn't working for you any more, but you know that something has to change, and by change you probably mean "stop watching Family Guy."

Leverage avoids having to dig itself out of that hole by taking its normal formula (the opening bit in the bar that teases Nate's alcoholism and reminds you of his edge to the pre-heist recon where civilians end up befuddled to the heist where everything goes wrong to the end where whoops guess what fooled ya, we stole all 101 dalmatians and you just jacked some zebras or herpes or something, sorry charlie) and turning it on its ear. Only it doesn't really turn it on its ear, it just pretends to, but the pretending? That was a lot of fun.

This time around, the gang has to compete with a rival crew, put together by an old associate of Sophie's. We've got explosions, we've got fist fights (which may or may not have been Krav Maga, but the woman involved was totally Israeli), we've got hacker battles (which are thankfully cheesed up and not played as anything as remotely serious/boring/awful as every other hacker battle ever), and, my personal favorite, infiltration battles. Parker and her opposite number are almost equally skilled and pretty much equally weird.

This is good. Lost flogged the "Flashback, present day, NEW MYSTERY!" formula until it made me stop watching, X-Files kept pimping a mystery right into Boringsville, and Veronica Mars played it a little too safe overall. The gang gets a chance to actually show that they're genuinely good at their jobs, and not just good at fooling rubes who don't know any better. It's the kind of TV that's simultaneously funny and interesting, like an illegal game of "Can you top this?"

Seven episodes into the season is a good spot to shake things up. This right here is the way to do it, and I hope they keep being inventive over the course of the rest of the season.

Also, there was a really dorky Star Wars joke from Hardison that Parker co-signed, so there's that if absolutely everything you want to watch has to be nerdy.

True Blood - "Frenzy" by Nina Stone

They really have stretched this one out as long as they could, haven't they? This whole Maryann thing, that is. We're one episode away from the climax, and although i can't wait, I have to say that the second half of this season did not have as much to it as the first. The beginning had so many elements flying around - and it was still about vampires. And the thing is, our fascination with vampires has been going on for so long, its almost sophisticated. These beliefs, even if they are mythical, have parameters and rules and a knowledge base--it may be a fictional one, but it exists. It's what has made True Blood fun all along -- taking all we believe to be true(ish) about these creatures and putting them in a new situation - a situation where they are accepted as real and with the creation of the True Blood beverage, even able to live among us. In theory, anyhow.

But this Maryann thing? Well, we don't have rules or beliefs. There are myths about such creatures...but not commonly known ones. And we have to just buy that this storyline is plausible ('though I'm using that term loosely.) I'm along for the ride now, wondering just how things will get back to normal -- but I have to fully trust in the show.

As viewers, this episode is the first time we learned how one might defeat a creature such as Maryann. In a few sexually charged bits of dialogue (although The Queen? I didn't dig her.), we are told the history of how a creature like Maryann has come to exist, and how she will be defeated. FINALLY, we have an in. Something to root for. Maryann needs some sort of supernatural creature, such as a shape shifter, to sacrifice to the Gods, to then inhabit the body after the sacrifice and become one with the true God. And at that moment is her only time of vulnerability - the only time she can be killed. We can see that vampire Bill - who got this information - understands that they must get as close to sacrificing Sam as possible and then go in for the kill. But we know the other possibility of conflict....that Sookie had some crazy supernatural thing happen when she put her hand on Manryann's face. And Maryann's sheer delight when she exclaimed, "what are you?!?" makes it clear to me that Sookie may become the better target for Maryann's sacrifice. And therein shall lie the end-of-season cliffhanger, I'm guessing.

But see... something's happened. Whatever it is that gets us all a-twitter about vampires has gone out the window now that the show is barely about them. Right? Maybe the last episode will surprise me. Here's hoping.

*"Surprise" does not mean "people doing it". That's expected at this point, one might even say that it's required.

Project Runway - "We Expect Fashion" by Tucker Stone

This weekend, Project Runway was all about Project Runway. Besides the multiple times that new contestants mentioned their "fear" of the "millions of Americans" watching them, two of the contestants recited old Christian Siriano catchphrases, and one of the contestants referred to another as Stella, in reference to that creepy motorcycle woman from season five. The thing that was both appealing/horrifying about Siriano was that he was, for better or worse, exactly what you saw on television. He said "fierce" all the time, he was a silly little clown, and he used so much product on his peacock haircut that it would probably have been easier if he'd just stapled a broom to his skull. Why? Because Christian was 20 years old when he was on Project Runway, and while that doesn't make him immune from being irritating, it also doesn't make him any different than any other 20 year old. Meaning, of course he's a silly goofball who says shit he probably shouldn't, or at least, not all the time.

These cats--or at least, the two primary irritants thus far--aren't the same. Ra'mon is a 31 year old Project Runway fan with what appears to be, at best, a utilitarian approach to making clothes (in that they are clothes when he's done, but only mildly creative), and Mitchell Hall is a talentless fool who seems to think the best way to make a woman attractive is to dress them as if they're constructing their own dresses out of discarded tents in an apocalyptic wasteland. But they both really, really like Project Runway! Like, totally, a fierce hot tranny mess lot! And they both are totally stoked about getting famous! They might come up with their own memes later, but for now? Fierce! Fiercetrannyhotmess! Faaayyyeirrrccee!

Which--that's weird, right? Not the "I wanna be famous." That's normal, par-for-the-course stuff, so do a lot of people. But if you're a big fan of Project Runway, haven't you figured out by now that almost all of the people you're quoting and mimicking haven't, you know, turned out to be anything more than mildly recognizable New Yorkers? Like, Christian is more popular than Ruben Stoddard, but he's still a 24 year old living in Williamsburg trying to make his "Fierce" catchphrase last as long as possible. (Title of latest business venture? You got it!)

Week Two didn't offer much beyond that--Tim Gunn spent most of his "how's it going" portion of the show sounding as if he'd been up all night drinking cheap whiskey while Gordana, the woman who left Yugoslavia for sunny South Carolina, proved herself to be the queen of bizarre sentence phrasings when she commented "I was pregnant two times" in a way that made one question if she kept/raised/sold the babies afterwards. (She did. Keep them, I mean.) The challenge was to make a maternity dress, all but two of the contestants did fine, those two ended up in the bottom two, and the more arrogant (albeit  more talented) Melvin went home.

Here's how Melvin tried to explain the dress to the judges:"I created a day look for you. I drew reference to a mother hen. And her egg. I wanted to create...that's almost embracing, cocoon like nest over an egg, something very precious."

While the judges can all go too far down the aesthetic bullshit methodology behind some piece of shit crapped out by wanna-be celebrities in 16 hours road, even they spent most of the "negotiation" period ripping on Melvin for being full-a-shit. Melvin proved himself to be a real American artist though--after being sent home for sucking as hard as is possible this early in the competition, he claimed that this defeat--like all the defeats he's suffered in his life--will make him stronger. Look, buddy: Melvin is just too conceptional for America. (Hey Melvin: America didn't kick you off, fashion people who give a shit about dresses did. America could care less, they just want to see people get punched/cry. So unless you're making your fucking "art" for your friends, family and fools, maybe, just maybe, you want to try to not make something that is universally looked at as Really Fucking Stupid.) For now, there's no real front runners--one of the pretty girls won this challenge, but considering all the maternity dresses were just...well, maternity dresses, so who cares, how many cocktail parties you got at 8 months?--it'll take a few more weeks to find out if there's a Santino/Siriano on hand. For now, we'll just have to hope somebody starts showing a personality. Preferably, it'll be their own.

The Prisoner - "Checkmate" by Tucker Stone

A man sits in the lotus position, his karate uniform open just enough so that one may gaze upon the thick moss of hair covering his delicate skin. His mouth--a construction of near-nonexistent lips drawn tightly across a hidden scowl--it purses, it opens. A "Hee-yah!" escapes, a hand flies, and the wooden board lain before him snaps in two.

I guess that was supposed to be cool?

I don't find it that surprising that each episode of The Prisoner has its own Wikipedia entry, but I do like that the one for "Checkmate" refers to the metaphor about life being a game of chess as "obvious". Like, fuck you, its obvious, don't you see? And at the end, when Number Six sacrifices all his pieces and goes all the way to the boat on his own, he finds out he's a pawn, or, or, maybe he's the queen, but either way, he's already been sacrificed by the dude he trusted, and so on, and yeah, conformity and Pavlov...what's wrong with it being "obvious"? If nothing else, the Prisoner is maybe being a bit too obtuse, a bit too cerebral--there's clearly something missing, something a bit off. The dedication to breaking Number Six is so goddamn playful that, except for when the balloon shows up, the game of the Village negates any sense of danger. Let him try to escape! All bases are covered, and the vertical's totes under control, so hey: let's all have hot dogs, he ain't going nowhere. He'll talk! Eventually! Hell, this was the first time in awhile that the cameras, the whole "we can see you anywhere" trick got turned around. Up until now, there was no reason to believe that Number Six could hide from his watchers, they certainly hadn't needed to turn some woman into a living homing beacon before.

But I guess that's the trick, isn't it? What makes this show remarkable is the same thing that makes it a little bit irritating--each episode, it starts over again. Maybe not for the first time, but it's hard to see how any of these chapters couldn't be the second. It's not the serialization of Wiseguy, where each consecutive episode builds to form a cohesive, workable story--continuity wise, some of what's been shown in "Checkmate" doesn't make sense considering what was shown in Trial of the Frog Queen. It's circular, like--and yes, it kills me to even write it--the multiverse of a comic book, where the little choices Number Six makes in the morning determine which future he's going to experience today. As far as I can tell, there's no dates in the Village, no weeks, time isn't passing, it's always now. He turns left, he's on a chess board, and today the Village is going to teach him that all his moves have been plotted out. He turns right, it's election day, time to learn about the extent of their brainwashing capabilities--he goes to the beach, he finds a radio...I don't mind, so far.

But I can't handle too many shirtless karate chops. That's my limit.

-David Brothers, Tucker Stone & Nina Stone

The Virgin Read: The Wednesday Witch

Wednesday Comics # 8
Written by Brian Azzarello, Neil Gaiman, Walter Simonson, Dave Bullock, Vinton Heuck, Dave Gibbons, Kyle Baker, Adam Kubert, Dan DiDio, Karl Kerschl, Brendan Fletcher, Jimmy Palmiotti, Kurt Busiek, John Arcudi, Paul Pope, Ben Caldwell & Eddie Berganza
Art by Sean Galloway, Lee Bermejo, Ben Caldwell, Joe Quinones, Karl Kerschl, Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez, Joe Kubert, Kyle Baker, Ryan Sook, Dave Bullock, Brian Stelfreeze, Michael Allred & Eduardo Risso
Published by DC Comics

Did you ever read that book? The Wednesday Witch? Neither did I. But when I was 6 and my oldest sister was 12, she was reading it. And I remember thinking that when I got past the Dick and Jane books, I was going to read that one. All I remember is that she was a young witch and that instead of riding a broomstick, she rode on a vacuum cleaner. I almost always think of that book when I type out the word Wednesday. Maybe it should be the Virgin Read's new name this week? I mean, I don't think I'm particularly "witchy", but I do realize that in my effort to honestly share my experience and opinions on one comic book a week -- I, the she who has never been into comics -- have often offended some major fans. Maybe the term fits.

I fear that I might offend this week.

I chose Wednesday Comics, finally. I'd been intrigued with the format but wanted a little time to go by before I attempted to have my experience with them for the public to witness. I love the idea of the bigger size - it would seem the ideal situation for artists to put the golden ratio to the test. I like the idea of these comics struggling with something similar to the length of a comic strip in the Sunday newspaper. A little taste to keep you interested, maybe a one page story to kill a minute and showcase some art.

The thing that I found, though, is that I wasn't suddenly drawn to any new comics, which would seem to be the hope and maybe the reader for putting them in this format. To get a whole bunch of titles out to the public in one publication, maybe give them a teaser to get them to buy the books, or at least to just explore something different, something that didn't read like anything else. But no -- I was not dazzled by anything new. In fact, I found that my predisposed artistic likes guided me. The elements I've always found attractive about comics are the same ones that drew me in - soft lines, lots of space, simple color palates, active pictures and few words -- and the things that I've never been attracted to still repelled me -- an over-abundance of lines and colors, too many word balloons, or the worst of all, the unclear, hard-to-follow format.

Look, that doesn't necessarily mean that the art I didn't like is "bad" and that the art I did like is "good." I'm not claiming to have taste. I'm just claiming that I know myself. I know what I like, and what I don't. I went into this thinking that I'd be surprised, and that something unusual would change my mind. Maybe those hopes were too high.

Batman:  Although it took me a moment to figure out where to start reading, I enjoyed Batman. Being the first one I read, it got me ready for the format of comic book snippets that this entire issue took. I loved the color scheme, and that just enough happened to catch me up and keep me interested in a short amount of frames.

Kamandi:  Sorry. This was just not my thing. LIke I was saying above, I just don't dig this kind of art. I gave it a try, read 2/3 of it and then thought aloud, "Why keep reading this? I don't have to." And so I stopped.

Superman:  Beautifully drawn Superman. I mean, that's part of the reason I wanted to skip Kamandi - the dangling carrot of Superman right next door (heeeeeyyyy...that sounds sexual....) on the next page was grabbing my attention. But you know what? That's as far as it went. I mean, I like action but this was literally two seconds of a comic book. That's kinda weird, right? When you read the entire thing, is it just going to have been one minute of Superman's life? That sounds awful.

Deadman:  Like my Batman experience, I wanted to start reading in the middle panel -- my eye is just drawn there. But then I realized I needed to start with the far left. Anyhow, smoochy smooching happening right there front and center, and the enjoyment of it being shared from the male perspective. I'll always love that. I also loved the color scheme. Do I have any idea where this comic has been or where it's going? No. Nevertheless, I enjoyed it. Go figure.

Green Lantern:  Believe it or not, this was one of my favorites. I don't actually think i've met anyone who has ever said anything nice about this particular character, but whatever. I liked him fine. Easy to read, easy to follow and enough plot and action for a new reader to jump on board. Bingo!

Metamorpho:  My first thought when I saw this? "Huh! Clever - they're going through the periodic table and he managed to get all the letters into the dialouge." But that got old very fast. Took me a few lines to realize they were zig-zagging down the page. By then, I just got bored, and I mean angry-bored. I mean...why are they doing this? Does it even make sense? I kind of hated myself for reading it.

Teen Titans:  Well, I wanted to like this, but I didn't. The art feels more like collage than it does comics. The fullest panel near the bottom of the page kept drawing my eye. I basically skimmed through this and didn't really care to understand what was going on. Honestly, I physically just really wanted to turn the page. It might have been fall out from the other page, which had the Metamorpho thing, but whatever it was, these two pages were awful.

Strange Adventure:  Clever. Different. But it wasn't my cup o' tea. It's not the type of art that draws me in, and clever as it was to cover up the balloons with blocks of dialogue that say "...it's a pity no transcript exists documenting the words which transpire on this fateful night," it really doesn't make sense because, well, the words ARE there. Maybe that was a joke that went over my head. So be it. Just not one of my faves. I'll be dumb. I'm good with that.

Supergirl:  Though I loved the art and was looking forward to reading this one, nothing really happened in this particular issue that go me interested, except for Supergirl's facial expressions. Those are drawn well. It did make me interested to "tune in next week", which I guess is the point.

Metal Men:  The arts really busy in this one. Too busy for me. Interesting-ish story. Creative. Once again, not my thing.

Wonder Woman:  Yo. What the fuck? I gotta say, I think something deep inside me is just waiting to find some awesome Wonder Woman comic and become a huge fan. But all I've seen or heard is just not that great. I grew up watching Lynda Carter, and I was sure that all women grew up to be Wonder Woman - like her, that is. Anyhow....any Wonder Woman that I've read (which is not much at all) disappoints the little girl inside me. This one does just as well. I mean...I don't even know what this is about. The form, how to follow the text--it's all wack-a-doodle, and I was so over trying to make sense of that I didn't even care to go back to figure out what the story was about. Come on!  

Sgt. Rock & Easy Co.:  Know what? This was my favorite. My FAVORITE! Can you believe it? I can't. I think because it know it's a comic strip. It just happens to be an exceptionally large one. Even spacing, clean lines, easy to read, easy to follow. Perfect. I hope Mr. Rock gets to kill people soon, I know that somebody (hint hint) is really looking forward to that.

Flash:  Kinda cool idea, the whole multiple versions of oneself. I feel like I've seen it/heard of it before in random sci-fi movies. But that's okay. It's a clean strip -- there's a set up, a conflict, a resolution and then uh-oh! Conflict-cliff hanger! Bleeding out of our orifices! Good colors. Liked the art.

The Demon & Catwoman:  Like the Flash, I loved the colors. They're very visually pleasing. And it's all sexy-lusty-lesbian-ish.  But then...I have no idea what happens. No clue. Where did she go? Who did she become? Everyone changed size? Who's who? What's what? Help!

Hawkman:  Man, Kyle Baker is such a cool guy. I met him at a convention, I talked to him, he made me laugh, and I remember his name, which is more than I can say for--geez, all of them, which sounds terrible. He's really, really cool and I want to like this. But, again, this art is just not my thing. I like his Babies and Kittens stuff more.

So there you have it. I'm sure we all have a lot to discuss, although I'm aware you won't want to have that discussion with me. I'm sorry if I don't like something you do, and vice versa. As my mom always says, "That's why they make vanilla AND chocolate."

-Nina Stone, 2009