Television Of The Weak: Gotta Pull Out Of Carson City

This week, we've got Mad Men, Leverage, True Blood, Project Runway & The Prisoner

Mad Men - "My Old Kentucky Home"by Sean Witzke

Don Draper drinking with Conrad Hilton, talking about pissing in old people's cars for fun. Fucking bloody yeah.

... so you ever notice that Mad Men - for all it's gravitas, for all its dripping sex, social commentary, and awesome looking clothes; for its dark night of the soul Don Draper second season; for Joan Goddamn Holloway - - it's just Anchorman played straight. Women are treated like shit for dramatic effect, drinking, smoking, littering, all that shit. Hell, a good chunk of time is dedicated to the female lead's ass. Sure, the 60's was a far more politically charged time - race is bubbling underneath even as sexism is the BIG ISSUE the show has chosen to deal with. The whole thing - the core of both shows is a woman finding her way into a key position in a "man's world" kind of job. You split Veronica Corningstone in half (the hyper-competence and fantastic hiney go to Joan Holloway) and the actual plot ends up being Peggy Olsen. On the Anchorman dvd Adam McKay called it "the other side of the Jackie Robinson story", which is a far more direct assessment of the story than Matthew Weiner'll ever spit out. That's it! Here comes the sea change - women on the same footing as men in the office - and here's the years of resistance that those women went through! Sure, the nuance of Don Draper's misogynistic ass as he actually helps her move past her personal life and become a "modern woman" is nice. But the only thing that separates Don Draper and Ron Burgundy is that the misogyny is way way funnier when it ends with a fist-fight and a grown man being whipped with a television antenna.

How about the garden party aspect of this episode--very Good Shepard, isn't it? Remember that piece of crap? Decade-past-his-prime DeNiro directing a movie about a bunch of WASPs developing the CIA in the most boring fucking way possible. You go in thinking ooh torture and OSS-style stranglings and the Bay of Pigs - - and come out with the whitest of white people sitting around a table for two hours. I hated every goddamn minute of it. I hate that those people are out there enjoying their lives even more than they already do. Don Draper clearly does too - the stink of privilege is all over this episode, and it's really blatant in it's 60s-ness. Roger Sterling in Al Jolson blackface is reaching even a little by Mad Men standards, but damn if it doesn't still ring true. Pete Campbell and his wife's choreographed Charleston too - this is the kind of shit we all imagine rich white people do, they stand around being racist and dancing badly to fucking dixieland. I always assumed that was what my rich classmates did during their summers while my mom got her masters at night school and my dad was on disability. Single tear!

Here's what happens this episode - a terrible exposition scene to open, a garden party for Roger Sterling, a dinner party for Joan Holloway and her toothpick of a husband, Peggy Olsen, a dumb guy, and a bearded communist guy all get stoned and come up with ads for Bacardi, and there's some bullshit with the grandpa and the kid that's supposed to frame the episode. The grandpa crap is pointless, the pot-smoking part is just kind of long and obvious. There are no surprises coming here, it's all just yammering until Peggy Olsen has a eureka moment. I guess it's supposed to be character building? Except...the bearded communist guy is never going to expand as a character beyond bearded communist guy, and we're never going to see the grandpa smack a 6 year old girl on a primetime show. He was in a barbershop quartet, who the fuck cares. Peggy Olsen is going to end up being the true protagonist of this show, but I still can't see what the deal with Elizabeth Moss is. The garden party is the real meat here - Don Draper bristling at the vacuousness of the life he's bought into, hanging out with Conrad Hilton and reminiscing about life before the both of them were trapped in their gilded cages. The inherent flaw in Draper is that he's bought into this life - this is the life he wanted and he can't stand it beyond the confines of his office. He'll do anything for it, but we know it's going away, it's gone. The sexism is pervasive, but the only time so far this season that it's actually felt dangerous is the scene with Betty Draper standing outside the bathroom in this country club this episode. Betty is approached and then her pregnant belly is rubbed by a random guy in a very subtly aggressive display of power. She can do absolutely nothing, and it's clear that this could pass into assault in a split second and she STILL couldn't say anything. This is the position she's in, along with every other woman here. Don and Betty find each other after a day they despise - and even though their life is in no way perfect they clearly love each other, in a way that the rest of the cast just can't say for themselves. That's why they're unique - it's not a marriage of convenience or opportunity or infatuation like every other one here.

Joan Holloway played the accordion and sings in french - and you got a hard-on. I'm right outside.

Leverage - "The Two Live Crew Job" by David Brothers

Even the best show can get dry. Formulas repeat, formerly charming character bits get old, and then suddenly you're not sure why Family Guy isn't working for you any more, but you know that something has to change, and by change you probably mean "stop watching Family Guy."

Leverage avoids having to dig itself out of that hole by taking its normal formula (the opening bit in the bar that teases Nate's alcoholism and reminds you of his edge to the pre-heist recon where civilians end up befuddled to the heist where everything goes wrong to the end where whoops guess what fooled ya, we stole all 101 dalmatians and you just jacked some zebras or herpes or something, sorry charlie) and turning it on its ear. Only it doesn't really turn it on its ear, it just pretends to, but the pretending? That was a lot of fun.

This time around, the gang has to compete with a rival crew, put together by an old associate of Sophie's. We've got explosions, we've got fist fights (which may or may not have been Krav Maga, but the woman involved was totally Israeli), we've got hacker battles (which are thankfully cheesed up and not played as anything as remotely serious/boring/awful as every other hacker battle ever), and, my personal favorite, infiltration battles. Parker and her opposite number are almost equally skilled and pretty much equally weird.

This is good. Lost flogged the "Flashback, present day, NEW MYSTERY!" formula until it made me stop watching, X-Files kept pimping a mystery right into Boringsville, and Veronica Mars played it a little too safe overall. The gang gets a chance to actually show that they're genuinely good at their jobs, and not just good at fooling rubes who don't know any better. It's the kind of TV that's simultaneously funny and interesting, like an illegal game of "Can you top this?"

Seven episodes into the season is a good spot to shake things up. This right here is the way to do it, and I hope they keep being inventive over the course of the rest of the season.

Also, there was a really dorky Star Wars joke from Hardison that Parker co-signed, so there's that if absolutely everything you want to watch has to be nerdy.

True Blood - "Frenzy" by Nina Stone

They really have stretched this one out as long as they could, haven't they? This whole Maryann thing, that is. We're one episode away from the climax, and although i can't wait, I have to say that the second half of this season did not have as much to it as the first. The beginning had so many elements flying around - and it was still about vampires. And the thing is, our fascination with vampires has been going on for so long, its almost sophisticated. These beliefs, even if they are mythical, have parameters and rules and a knowledge base--it may be a fictional one, but it exists. It's what has made True Blood fun all along -- taking all we believe to be true(ish) about these creatures and putting them in a new situation - a situation where they are accepted as real and with the creation of the True Blood beverage, even able to live among us. In theory, anyhow.

But this Maryann thing? Well, we don't have rules or beliefs. There are myths about such creatures...but not commonly known ones. And we have to just buy that this storyline is plausible ('though I'm using that term loosely.) I'm along for the ride now, wondering just how things will get back to normal -- but I have to fully trust in the show.

As viewers, this episode is the first time we learned how one might defeat a creature such as Maryann. In a few sexually charged bits of dialogue (although The Queen? I didn't dig her.), we are told the history of how a creature like Maryann has come to exist, and how she will be defeated. FINALLY, we have an in. Something to root for. Maryann needs some sort of supernatural creature, such as a shape shifter, to sacrifice to the Gods, to then inhabit the body after the sacrifice and become one with the true God. And at that moment is her only time of vulnerability - the only time she can be killed. We can see that vampire Bill - who got this information - understands that they must get as close to sacrificing Sam as possible and then go in for the kill. But we know the other possibility of conflict....that Sookie had some crazy supernatural thing happen when she put her hand on Manryann's face. And Maryann's sheer delight when she exclaimed, "what are you?!?" makes it clear to me that Sookie may become the better target for Maryann's sacrifice. And therein shall lie the end-of-season cliffhanger, I'm guessing.

But see... something's happened. Whatever it is that gets us all a-twitter about vampires has gone out the window now that the show is barely about them. Right? Maybe the last episode will surprise me. Here's hoping.

*"Surprise" does not mean "people doing it". That's expected at this point, one might even say that it's required.

Project Runway - "We Expect Fashion" by Tucker Stone

This weekend, Project Runway was all about Project Runway. Besides the multiple times that new contestants mentioned their "fear" of the "millions of Americans" watching them, two of the contestants recited old Christian Siriano catchphrases, and one of the contestants referred to another as Stella, in reference to that creepy motorcycle woman from season five. The thing that was both appealing/horrifying about Siriano was that he was, for better or worse, exactly what you saw on television. He said "fierce" all the time, he was a silly little clown, and he used so much product on his peacock haircut that it would probably have been easier if he'd just stapled a broom to his skull. Why? Because Christian was 20 years old when he was on Project Runway, and while that doesn't make him immune from being irritating, it also doesn't make him any different than any other 20 year old. Meaning, of course he's a silly goofball who says shit he probably shouldn't, or at least, not all the time.

These cats--or at least, the two primary irritants thus far--aren't the same. Ra'mon is a 31 year old Project Runway fan with what appears to be, at best, a utilitarian approach to making clothes (in that they are clothes when he's done, but only mildly creative), and Mitchell Hall is a talentless fool who seems to think the best way to make a woman attractive is to dress them as if they're constructing their own dresses out of discarded tents in an apocalyptic wasteland. But they both really, really like Project Runway! Like, totally, a fierce hot tranny mess lot! And they both are totally stoked about getting famous! They might come up with their own memes later, but for now? Fierce! Fiercetrannyhotmess! Faaayyyeirrrccee!

Which--that's weird, right? Not the "I wanna be famous." That's normal, par-for-the-course stuff, so do a lot of people. But if you're a big fan of Project Runway, haven't you figured out by now that almost all of the people you're quoting and mimicking haven't, you know, turned out to be anything more than mildly recognizable New Yorkers? Like, Christian is more popular than Ruben Stoddard, but he's still a 24 year old living in Williamsburg trying to make his "Fierce" catchphrase last as long as possible. (Title of latest business venture? You got it!)

Week Two didn't offer much beyond that--Tim Gunn spent most of his "how's it going" portion of the show sounding as if he'd been up all night drinking cheap whiskey while Gordana, the woman who left Yugoslavia for sunny South Carolina, proved herself to be the queen of bizarre sentence phrasings when she commented "I was pregnant two times" in a way that made one question if she kept/raised/sold the babies afterwards. (She did. Keep them, I mean.) The challenge was to make a maternity dress, all but two of the contestants did fine, those two ended up in the bottom two, and the more arrogant (albeit  more talented) Melvin went home.

Here's how Melvin tried to explain the dress to the judges:"I created a day look for you. I drew reference to a mother hen. And her egg. I wanted to create...that's almost embracing, cocoon like nest over an egg, something very precious."

While the judges can all go too far down the aesthetic bullshit methodology behind some piece of shit crapped out by wanna-be celebrities in 16 hours road, even they spent most of the "negotiation" period ripping on Melvin for being full-a-shit. Melvin proved himself to be a real American artist though--after being sent home for sucking as hard as is possible this early in the competition, he claimed that this defeat--like all the defeats he's suffered in his life--will make him stronger. Look, buddy: Melvin is just too conceptional for America. (Hey Melvin: America didn't kick you off, fashion people who give a shit about dresses did. America could care less, they just want to see people get punched/cry. So unless you're making your fucking "art" for your friends, family and fools, maybe, just maybe, you want to try to not make something that is universally looked at as Really Fucking Stupid.) For now, there's no real front runners--one of the pretty girls won this challenge, but considering all the maternity dresses were just...well, maternity dresses, so who cares, how many cocktail parties you got at 8 months?--it'll take a few more weeks to find out if there's a Santino/Siriano on hand. For now, we'll just have to hope somebody starts showing a personality. Preferably, it'll be their own.

The Prisoner - "Checkmate" by Tucker Stone

A man sits in the lotus position, his karate uniform open just enough so that one may gaze upon the thick moss of hair covering his delicate skin. His mouth--a construction of near-nonexistent lips drawn tightly across a hidden scowl--it purses, it opens. A "Hee-yah!" escapes, a hand flies, and the wooden board lain before him snaps in two.

I guess that was supposed to be cool?

I don't find it that surprising that each episode of The Prisoner has its own Wikipedia entry, but I do like that the one for "Checkmate" refers to the metaphor about life being a game of chess as "obvious". Like, fuck you, its obvious, don't you see? And at the end, when Number Six sacrifices all his pieces and goes all the way to the boat on his own, he finds out he's a pawn, or, or, maybe he's the queen, but either way, he's already been sacrificed by the dude he trusted, and so on, and yeah, conformity and Pavlov...what's wrong with it being "obvious"? If nothing else, the Prisoner is maybe being a bit too obtuse, a bit too cerebral--there's clearly something missing, something a bit off. The dedication to breaking Number Six is so goddamn playful that, except for when the balloon shows up, the game of the Village negates any sense of danger. Let him try to escape! All bases are covered, and the vertical's totes under control, so hey: let's all have hot dogs, he ain't going nowhere. He'll talk! Eventually! Hell, this was the first time in awhile that the cameras, the whole "we can see you anywhere" trick got turned around. Up until now, there was no reason to believe that Number Six could hide from his watchers, they certainly hadn't needed to turn some woman into a living homing beacon before.

But I guess that's the trick, isn't it? What makes this show remarkable is the same thing that makes it a little bit irritating--each episode, it starts over again. Maybe not for the first time, but it's hard to see how any of these chapters couldn't be the second. It's not the serialization of Wiseguy, where each consecutive episode builds to form a cohesive, workable story--continuity wise, some of what's been shown in "Checkmate" doesn't make sense considering what was shown in Trial of the Frog Queen. It's circular, like--and yes, it kills me to even write it--the multiverse of a comic book, where the little choices Number Six makes in the morning determine which future he's going to experience today. As far as I can tell, there's no dates in the Village, no weeks, time isn't passing, it's always now. He turns left, he's on a chess board, and today the Village is going to teach him that all his moves have been plotted out. He turns right, it's election day, time to learn about the extent of their brainwashing capabilities--he goes to the beach, he finds a radio...I don't mind, so far.

But I can't handle too many shirtless karate chops. That's my limit.

-David Brothers, Sean Witzke, Tucker Stone & Nina Stone

Comments

[moose n squirrel]

The shirtless karate chop is there because it is hilarious and awesome.

[Matthew J. Brady]

Is Mad Men on season 3 now? I still need to watch s2. Starting tomorrow, hopefully.

[Lugh]

No, don't you see, Moose n Squirrel? If it doesn't advance society somehow then it's FUCKING USELESS.

[Sean Witzke]

Yeah. S2 is killer -the last three episodes are AMAZING. I think I'd rather watch a show about the cast of "The Jet Set" than the Sterling Cooper people.

[moose n squirrel]

But every Number 2 needs his schtick! There's the one who does karate, the one who really likes milk, the one who went to prep school - get 'em all together, stick 'em in a road movie, and watch the sparks fly!

[Tucker Stone]

Looking forward to the one who really likes milk. I don't know, maybe I could've enjoyed that with a different actor. This number two was just trying too fucking hard.

[Duncan]

I thought, this week, supervillain and 4th Letter wrote more like The Factual Opinion ('Single tear.' e.g.) than even The Factual Opinion? Is TFO editing they shit?

I don't mean any of this in a bad way

[Jog]

That's funny, someone told me I sounded like Tucker this week too. It must be the subliminal commands he's hidden inside all of us.

[Sean Witzke]

Jog, did you buy like four copies of Catcher in the Rye this week, too? Every time I'm near a bookstore.

[Sean Witzke]

I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf mutes.

[david brothers]

Tucker brings out the best in all of us.

All Hail Father Stone.

[Tucker Stone]

I edit 'em, but not in a big content way. David Brothers are uncut and raw, but I did add that Single Tear line to Witzke's. Without it, I was worried that people were going to use his previous line as an opening to start writing comments about how hard their own parents worked, and, Sean's people excepted, the working classes revolt me.

I had to write all my parts while being attacked consistently by a bird, so that might explain their overall failings.

[Sean Witzke]

"Single tear" just punctuated it anyway. It needed that. Whining about my childhood was meant to be funny, though I am like 100% sure that the people I went to school with's parents used terms like "the mud races" while snorting coke off of signed first editionAyn Rand novels.