Comics Of The Weak: In The Garden Of The North American Farters

Archie # 602
Written by Michael Uslan
Art by Stan Goldberg, Bob Smith & Jack Morelli
Published by Archie Comics

The picture on the left is the cover solicitation that the Archie people had on their blog. The image on the right is the actual cover. If you ignore the color changes that, among other things, change what might have been jewelry into plastic bracelets, there's no real difference between the two.

Image on the left is the actual cover again. The image on the right is the interior. Now, we see pretty major changes. Veronica's hairstyle is now impossible to recreate with human hair, her breasts are...weird, and she's wearing yellow hot pants. In the background, the guy is no longer dressed like Santa. Biggest change is probably Veronica's face. It's obviously a new drawing, but there's little to indicate why it's such a different interpretation of the same sequence beyond the obvious "the interior art is shitty" response. And no, it's the same artist doing both pieces.

There's nothing worthwhile to be gleaned from the above comparison, but then again, there's nothing worthwhile to be gained from a 2009 Archie comic either. It's just a case of strange and cheap, another indication of the tossed off nature of this whole "Archie marries somebody" story. In this issue, Veronica produces two children, she and Archie name them "Archie and Veronica", there's a panel where Veronica is eating powdered donuts and leaving the residue all over her lips, and at the end, Archie reads his kids the entire Robert Frost poem that this story has used as "inspiration", smirks at his hot-pants wearing wife, and walks the fuck out the front door so that he can get the hell out of the fantasy that he's spent the last three issues living through. Sometime in December, he's going to marry Betty. If things play to form, there will be a bunch of random moments that have nothing to do with the story, existing only so that Archie can dispense odd moral teachings to the reader. In this issue, such moments included Veronica asking Archie if their marriage was only successful because they didn't have to worry about money. Instead of staring at her, hard, and eventually saying "What the fuck kind of weird ass shit is that to say", he just says "All you need is love!" while pointing off to the right. Oh, and immediately after he walks out of the house, away from his children, wife and this storyline, there's a genius moment where he's drawn with a look of utter despair and exhaustion on his face. If there'd been any indication up until now that the people involved in the creation of this comic cared at all about doing something non-horrible, they'd deserve some credit for inserting this moment. It's Archie as actor, Archie as exhausted, broken comic book character, realizing that even now, standing at the end of his story, he's still on the clock. So off you go, you fucking degenerate! It's time to get Betty pregnant.

Brave & The Bold # 28
Written by J. Michael Straczynski
Art by Jesus Saiz
Published by DC Comics

This comic is pretty much the end result of a thought experiment about how to make Barry Allen seem less of a stick-in-the-mud by putting him in a situation where he isn't the most boring part of the story. Thanks to people like Hal Jordan and DC Comics (although Stephen Ambrose's hands aren't the cleanest) World War 2 has gone from "the one they made serious movies about" to "more integral to your existence then the time when your dad came inside your mom" status, so it'll fit. Of course, putting the Flash alongside the Greatest Generation immediately runs into a bit of a snag when Those Who Sacrificed All For You Ungrateful Shitheads point out that his red Union suit is, well, lame, and his stance against killing makes him, uh huh, completely useless. Don't want to spoil this one, but here's a bit of a tease: it ends with a guy bowing his head at Arlington National!

DCU Halloween Special 09 # 1
By Don't Care
Published by Really?

DC's Halloween Special was written mostly by editors, Johnny DC people, and inkers. It includes a story where Guy Gardner throws a big Halloween party because Halloween is his favorite holiday. And then, when the party is going down, Guy keeps flashing back to Halloweens of the distant past, and every single one of those Halloween memories involves his father beating him. One year, his dad calls him a pansy. Another year, he grabs Guy's face and shoves it into a bucket of water and apples, and he holds his face in the water. There's a whole lot of these panels--one of them just features Guy's battered face, and the climax is Guy at his dad's funeral. (Which happened on Halloween?) That's all well and good, one imagines that Geoff Johns is off doing something that's sentimental or mature or [big word] with that. Here, it's just strange--Guy prefers Halloween over all other holidays, because Halloween was the special time of year when his father beat the shit out of him? Also, Guy's costume isn't a costume, it's his old football uniform. (Quaint!) Of course, that's not the only story here, and not all of them are as fucking gritty as this one. There's one where a bunch of the Teen Titans pull a joke on Wonder Woman by trying to convince her that the Blair Witch Project is a true story--that part is sort of believable, because Wonder Woman seems like the kind of person who hasn't seen a movie since The Bridge On The River Kwai--but the story's climax consists of Wonder Woman catching the three girls having a splash fight inside the cave where Luke saw himself in the Vader outfit. (Showed that panel to someone who hadn't read the story, and their response was "I'd fuck her, sure." That wasn't the expected response, but at least the story achieved one of its goals.) The only other story point that resonates in a way the reader is unlikely to forget was near the conclusion, where Superman and Lois are taking part in the Daily Planet's haunted house. Superman joyfully uses his heat vision, his freez-y super-breath, and a grim reaper outfit to scare some 30-something punkers. After they run away screaming and crying, Lois joyfully tells Clark that one of them peed their pants, and then they just laugh and laugh and laugh. It's sort of like when Superman used to get bored and decide that it was time to teach Lois a lesson. Now that they're married, she gets to participate.

Superman/Batman # 65
Written by Peter Johnson & Matt Cherniss
Art by Brian Stelfreeze, Brian Haberlin, Kelley Jones, Joe Quinones, Federico Dallocchio, David Baron & Joe Quinones
Published by DC Comics

Superman/Batman will eventually become a part of "continuity", which will probably just mean that it will start containing the umpteeth part of the umpteenth crossover, this will be irritating, somebody will probably write a blog post about it, world, always spinning. It might be worthwhile to remember this particular issue of the title before the keys get struck--continuity may be an obnoxious beast, but is it really that much worse than a comic book where Alfred shoots and kills Bruce Wayne's mother, wife and children while sticking out his tongue? Is the fact that shit like Hunt For Reactron (actual Superman crossover!) will now include a chapter set in Gotham that much more of a nuisance than watching Bruce Wayne shoot his father at point blank range? (The blood and brain matter splats upwards, leaving Daddy Wayne's meat in Bruce's mouth and hair, Chow Yun Fat style.)

Power Girl # 6
Written by Jimmy Palmiotti & Justin Gray
Art by Amanda Conner
Published by DC Comics

Power Girl takes a lot longer to read than most of the stuff that DC publishes, and it has better art than most of the stuff that either of the two super-hero companies publish. But it's still not that fun to read, because it has to struggle with a lead who just isn't interesting in the slightest. Power Girl just...is. She's got powers, and she's a girl. Sometimes she uses her powers, other times she makes faces that look like freeze frame images of the Jim character from NBC's The Office. In this issue, there's a nice drawing of her flying through the subway, a drawing that's able to capture "New York" better than any issue of Spider-Man or Daredevil this year, and there's a funny sight gag where a guy is seen running through the emergency room with a cooler held out in front of him. But the story is just a slog around the country, with Power Girl trying to catch up with some alien celebrities, who are hot, female and, for a little while, naked. It's got a lot of plot in it, and having Amanda Conner's art means the story can be an actual comic (you know, that thing where the pictures actually make the story more involving), so it's an objectively more worthwhile thing than something like Spider-Woman # 2 or Batman # 690, but that's about all you can say about it. (Unless you want to talk about her tits. She has big tits. It might be interesting to see what would happen if you reduced the size of her tits over a period of time, like, would that create an uproar, the way it creates an uproar when they create a new non-white version of a character? Most of the time, the Big Tit defenders just say things like "grow up", which is just odd--after all, it's not like it's an interpretation or a juvenile observation when a non-Justice Society reader says "jesus christ, that character has gigantic tits, it's obviously a comic designed as a masturbation fantasy". Power Girl has big fucking tits. Like--what's that thing that people say? "Can't you get past that?" Of course people can't get past that, you're a fucking moron if you think they will. It's not like only 15 year olds are ripping one off to big tits, that's a love affair that lasts years, even if it eventually just becomes a depressive home movie that plays out behind closed eyelids while an elderly husband humps away at a distant pile of flesh and organs who is considering taking a trip to that Swiss suicide clinic and writing "because this shit never changes" on the reason-we-should-help-you-die line.)

The Incredible Hulk # 603
Written by Greg Pak
Art by Ariel Olivetti, Giuseppe Camuncoli, Cam Smith & Elizabeth Breitweiser
Published by Marvel Comics

Giuseppe Camuncoli was worried that people might think that Dark Wolverine was a good comic that would've been good with or without him, so he left the comic just so you could see that, yes, the only worthwhile thing about it was his art. For some reason, he's paired on this issue of the Hulk with Ariel Olivetti, and the overall result is about as bad an idea as that sounds. If you're looking for an example of two artists who have absolutely nothing in common, you can pretty much stop here and call the game quits. Still, half of a good artist is better than all of a bad one, and Camuncoli once again shows off why it behooves people who want to draw action to actually figure out how a human body would move if it started flipping and bounding around a room--it's worthwhile because it makes for a much better looking comic. It's still a confusing clusterfuck of a story, apparently Bruce Banner and Wolverine want their kids to get better at fighting because they're hoping that their kids will grow up to kill them, something like that. But hey! Bounding!

Batman: Streets of Gotham # 5
Written by Chris Yost
Art by Dustin Nguyen, Derek Fridolfs & John Kalisz
Published by DC Comics

Finally, the definitive answer to the question "What is it that Batman won't do" which is also something that "Oracle can't do"! The answer should have been easy to predict--it's stab the Man-Bat in the deltoid after shooting him in the other deltoid. See, Batman wouldn't do that, because it's a completely ineffectual way to solve Man-Bat related problems, and Oracle can't do that because...not sure, actually. Because she's in a wheelchair? Her hands still work fine, so that can't be it. Maybe because it's stupid? Oracle's usually written as smart, so that's probably it. Huntress can't even be bothered to wear the same costume from appearance to appearance, so we'll leave "stupid bullshit" in her capable hands.

Justice League of America # 38
Written by James Robinson
Art by Mark Bagley
Published by DC Comics

This is basically the wet dream of anybody who has ever wanted hard evidence that super-hero comics were horrible and could only be horrible. It's actually sort of impressive.

-Tucker Stone, 2009

Comments

[seth hurley]

I look at that Streets of Gotham cover and all I can hear are Sam Elliot, Cher, and Eric Stolz's voices in Mask.

[Sharif]

I need to get that Halloween Special. I don't read much DC so it's nice to have my mind-blown by how fucked up their SMeditorial policy is these days ("Make Garth Ennis redundant"). I never like to build up too much of a tolerance. I'd hate to become desensitized to a gem like the Gardner Annual Child Abuse issue.

[Tucker Stone]

I didn't even touch the final line of the story, where Ice informs Guy that his Halloween present is a three-way between her, him and a Thought Creation out of his Magic Wishing Ring.

[Chad Nevett]

I kept waiting for a Dark Wolverine write-up and it never came (beyond a reference in the Hulk one). You surprised me again, Stone. Bastard.

(Oh, and good job again.)

[Chris Jones]

You could have been WAY meaner to that Brave and the Bold issue.

[Tucker Stone]

Yeah, i couldn't think of anything to say about that Dark Wolverine comic, but I also failed to finish reading it. The fight scene was impossible to understand, I agreed with your "why am I confused by a Wolverine comic" reaction to it. But then some lady started talking to some guy on the phone and then something happened in a diner and I just figured, eh, i'd rather tie my shoes or think about meat than spend anymore time reading about Daken, The Dark Wolverine.

That Brave and the Bold comic--yeah, probably. Does J. Michael Straczynski have a terminal illness? All of his comics read like they're produced out of deathbed rantings.

[Chris Jones]

"When I was a lad beets would be red as the mornrise sky, and cost sixpence a tuppence for two!"

[WolkinTexasRanger]

After a lifetime of loving Starman, Justice League #38 makes me deeply, deeply concerned about this Starman #81 that's supposedly coming out.

Robinson's new pattern of writing quality is somewhat like my eternally troubled digestive system (or at least since I started reading Crossed):

Every 5th shit or so isn't completely miserable, but everything in between is absolute suffering.

This is the worst analogy of my life. I apologize wholeheartedly for it.

[Kenny Cather]

I've realized the only "mainstream" comics I read are the reviews on your blog. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything in any way.

I was out of the country, so I missed a few weeks, but did you do that Kirkman Haunt comic? That was...odd. It was surprisingly cliche for a Kirkman book, but it still read well. If it's a mini, it's a fail, but if it's a continuing series, I'm sure by issue 7 there will be a change making it readable. Kirkman's never let me down before.

As for the stuff you reviewed today...I don't have anything. It all sounds like the same waste of time writing that pretty much all that stuff is. Are there currently any worthwhile books coming out of Marvel or DC? Anything even remotely close to the quality of the Simpsons Treehouse comic or the Muppet Show?

[Matthew J. Brady]

Whoa, Kenny poses the tough questions. I would say Batman and Robin, when Quitely's drawing it (and hopefully Cameron Stewart and Frazier Irving), although I don't think you're as big a Morrison fan as most. People say The Mighty is good, but I haven't read it. Invincible Iron Man has been pretty good lately, but the art is take it or leave it. Most of Jeff Parker's stuff is up there, especially anything involved with Agents of Atlas. I don't know if any of that is much like Treehouse or Muppets though. Oh yeah, Marvel's Strange Tales is along the same lines as Treehouse (if a bit less "indie"), so you might like that one.

Of course, that's not counting the creator-owned stuff Marvel publishes, or Vertigo. If you want to include those, Criminal is where it's at, and books like Unknown Soldier and Northlanders are pretty great. And if you want to venture outside Marvel/DC, Dark Horse has Beasts of Burden and Image has King City, Underground (Jeff Parker again!) and Chew (although I haven't read the latter, but everybody seems to love it). Yeah, there's good stuff out there if you want to look for it. Or you could just read Pluto.

[Kenny Cather]

Matt,

Pluto is where it's at! You know I loves me some Pluto!

Maybe the Simpsons book and the Muppet Show are me setting the bar too high. But while I was out, I read those plus the new Love & Rockets, the most recent Achewood collection, and the new Amulet book. Then I started thinking - this has *really* been a good year for comics outside the Marvel/DC fare. Then I started to wonder why Marvel & DC can't compete. Is it the bureaucracy from being big corporations? Is it the focus on the short term profit?

I have the Strange Tales books on my nightstand, but I haven't read them yet. I'm looking forward to the Jason story and the Jim Rugg story.

Morrison - you're right, I'm not a fan of his. His creator owned stuff is always a better read for me. His work-for-hire stuff always leaves me scratching my head. I keep hearing Jeff Parker is the second coming of writers, yet I really haven't tried any of his books out yet. I should.

I think Image has *lots* of gems coming out. I'm a huge fan of Kirkman's output. The first King City volume from TokyoPop was awesome so I'm really excited for when Image will start publishing the new stuff. I'm also digging on Savage Dragon, too, just because it's so what you see is what you get and I appreciate Larsen's commitment to damn the torpedoes and just continue doing his own thing.

But anyway, out of the stuff I read, Amulet was the weakest, but it's still really good. My problems with it are the story relies on cliches too often and Kabushi really doesn't like drawing backgrounds. Really, they're just quibbles because his storytelling is sooooo strong.

So, yeah, maybe I just read too much stuff lately that was at least *really* good?

[Abhay]

Why doesn't the Flash end the Holocaust? Does he say?

[Chris Jones]

I think it's because his leg is broke and he's too far away.

It could also be because he's a creep.

[NoahB]

Marvel Adventures Spider-Man is pretty good.

The Flash was going to end the Holocaust, but everyone in Auschwitz is so brittle that when he tries to rescue them at super-speed they just crumble into bits.

And then he started to feel guilty and kind of nauseous because he was inhaling Holocaust bits. And then he cried for Iris like he always does and then they ran out of pages. And then the ADL got him.

[Chris Jones]

Oh man, I laughed at that, but I feel a little sick, too.

[Sean Witzke]

Man Barry Allen is a blond inner city cop AND a scientist, who lets his bad guys hang out together instead of putting them in jail, you know that dude is a holocaust denier.

[Matthew J. Brady]

"When I was your age, we called sandwiches 'Flat Freddy'! And they cost four plantars a bite!"

[Jacob]

Chew bores me to death. I just don't see what everyone loves about it.

[Philippine Real Estate]

I love Archie Comics been a fan of it for a long time now. Now that I am married I think that I will pass it on to my children.