The Virgin Read: Somebody Made A Mess On Somebody's Prom Dress

Each week, the non-comics reading Nina Stone picks out one random comic book based off her own made up criteria, reads it, and then writes about that experience. While she's been doing these columns for awhile, she's only successfully managed to enjoy, remember, and keep up with one series. This week, she picked Gotham City Sirens # 5.

Gotham City Sirens # 5
Written by Paul Dini
Art by Guillem March & Tomeu Morey
Published by DC Comics

You know what the best thing about this Gotham City Sirens comic was? The Batman/Doc Savage "First Look" in the back of the issue. Let me be clear. Coming from me, that's saying something. Because I never read the "sneak peaks" in the back of issues. But yo - this one has no word balloons, and all this super linear, super clean art. It looks amazing. It doesn't hurt that it's such a sharp contrast to the mess that precedes it.

Yes, I said it's a mess. I'm no art school chick, nor am I a huge comic book reader. I wanted to read Sirens because, well, I never had before, and it looked like it featured women--so why not? But all my problems with this comic are with the art. The story line I get. It's typical Joker stuff. Here are these three super-chicks who've been done wrong by Joker, one of whom is his apparent ex-lover. However, the guy we think is the Joker - SPOILER ALERT -  turns out not to be. He's one of the Joker's old sidekicks, Gagsworth A. Gagsworthy. To be honest, it felt like this character was pulled out of the air, but I imagine those of you who've followed Batman for a long, long time might remember this guy from some other time and place.

Mr. Gag Reflex is apparently not over being dissed by Joker, and so the plot is about him taking his breakup feelings out on Harlequin, the Joker's ex-girlfriend. I don't know how this completely relates to the issue before, but maybe it means that the Joker and Harlequin aren't actually over. To be honest, I don't really care if I ever find out. It took too many pages of overwhelming art to tell this story. Let me explain.

The first page is a - well, I don't know what it is? A two-page spread? Not really. It takes two pages to spread out 6 consecutive frames attempting to show, um, a cactus growing and exploding? The whole thing lacks contrast in color. The cactus and Poison Ivy are the same color, and so is her hair and, um, the rest of the page...??? You can't tell what's what.

I stared at this shit for ages. 

Then I flipped the pages and flipped them back again to try and figure it out.

Then, I got it. Basically--get ready for this, please--Poison Ivy "encourages" a cactus cock to grow and cum. Seriously. It's ridiculous. And the following page has all three girls covered in a white milky substance. What the fuck? And yeah, I just dropped an f-bomb because the more I look at this and write about it the more offended I am. This is like a comic drawn by an adolescent who can't see the world without seeing his dick. I've been told that it might not be him alone, that it was written this way, and I'm sure that's true. Still...

Grow up.

That's not all. On the following page there's this drawing from an unusual perspective - Harley is talking with Poison Ivy, and we're seeing the conversation occur through the legs of Catwoman.  ?????? How is that a perspective? She's having a conversation with them. In the previous panel, she's a few feet away from them. Is she suddenly standing on a large stool? How is this the perspective? It doesn't make any sense, it's useless to the story, it just looks like someone LOVED the For Your Eyes Only poster a whole lot.

So, after all that, we've got some Joker-stuff happen. Fine. And then the girls are trying to sneak into his place, but, what is that stuff that follows Ivy around? Does she accidentally grow roots everywhere she goes? Is that on purpose? And, um, that's not ivy. That's not what ivy looks like. Those are just full on tree roots. This comic just keeps making no sense. Oh, by the way, I'm tempted to put on a black unitard and five-inch heels and balance in the pose cat woman is in on the bottom of the page where they bust through the ceiling into the Joker's pad. Then I'll post that photo here, just to prove that, um, it's impossible.  Her ass and thighs are so large compared to the rest of her, especially her ankles, that her center of gravity would make her fall on her ass right there. She could do it in flats - but not in those heels! Just ridiculous. And why is Poison Ivy, like, riding that tree limb?  

This is just fetish comics. And normally I'd just say "whatever", tee hee, move along and chalk it up as a "To each his own." But for whatever reason, the more I write about this the more pissed off I'm getting. Not on behalf of womankind or anything, I can't imagine that something this blatant has any impact on "womankind" beyond failing to get women interested in comics. No, I think I'm just angry because I just wasted a whole lot of time reading this comic and then I wasted more time writing about it. Feh. Ugh. I feel dirty. I'm gonna go take a shower. 

Forever.

-Nina Stone, 2009

Comments

[david brothers]

The guy who wrote this also wrote a comic where Poison Ivy is (nearly?) tentacle raped and chased by an extremely phallic plant.

It's all really very creepy. Like, who actually gets off on this stuff? That can be the sexual get off or the "I enjoy books like this for non-prurient reasons" get off, I don't care-- who wants this?

[Jacob]

Wow. That's just...wow.

Isn't Dini the dude that does the DC cartoons, too? Um...

[Chris Jones]

Also, like, what's up with Harley's tits on the cover? They look like they're forming a really poorly crafted boat.

I thought that was worth mentioning.

[Sharif]

God, they canceled Catwoman for this? Catwoman was actually a great comic.

[Sharif]

Or, at the very least, it was "good enough."

[Paul DeBenedetto]

Harley's breasts look like the scooper on the front of a bulldozer. Good god, this is amazing comics.

[you mad]

YOU MAD NINA B/C DINI IS STYLIN ON YOU

[Diego]

Is a nice comic, you are giving it too much though on it

[lolfemales]

>The whole thing lacks contrast in color. The cactus and Poison Ivy are the same color

HOLY SHIT IVY AND THE CACTUS ARE GREEN, WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?!?

>That's not what ivy looks like. Those are just full on tree roots.

OH MAN ITS ALMOST LIKE SHE HAS CONTROL OVER ALL FLORA, OH WAIT, SHE DOES.

[sir jorge]

the 15 year old inside of me just hit puberty...late

[NoahB]

"HOLY SHIT IVY AND THE CACTUS ARE GREEN, WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?!?"

Yeah, get on board with Team Comics, Nina. Everyone knows that cactus dicks are green and, like, really cool. Who are you to dislike cactus dicks? Don't be a hater.

[RageTrain]

Lol IVY AND THE CACTUS ARE GREEN. WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN

[seth hurley]

Nina, don't lower yourself by being photographed in a unitard & heels and posting it on an internet comic book site.

make Tucker do it.

[david brothers]

Don't make Tucker do that, because then I'd end up having to stab my own eyes out.

And possibly those of everyone around me.

Not because it's awful, no. But because it would be the single greatest image in the entire universe, and really, how do you top that?

[MarkAndrew]

Oh Lord. You got linked at by the DC Boards or something.

Which. at least, answers the "What kind of people get off on this shit" question nicely.

[Tucker Stone]

Yeah, it was 4chan. Kind of an honor actually.

[Chris Jones]

What does it mean when something is STYLIN ON YOU

Does that mean you look good or does STYLIN ON YOU mean somebody is taking pictures of you from afar?

[LurkerWithout]

I miss when Dini would just imply that Harley & Poison Ivy were a couple. Oh well...

[david brothers]

"Stylin on u" is from a classic youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNRA4_JhO4A

I'm surprised that 4chan knows about it, though. I thought those guys weren't down with black people?

Also, it's "u mad."

[MarkAndrew]

So 4chan is like Scans-Daily for Manga and Anime? With about the same level of discourse amongst the devoted faithful?

[AERose]

4chan is the wellspring of all that is wonderful on the internets.

[edc]

sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
you think its a cock. I think its a cactus.
because its.. ya know.. a cactus.

[Kenny Cather]

Nina, this past week the only comic I read was the Chris Ware comic in the New Yorker. I'm telling you this because I'm beginning to follow your model of reading one comic a week (but it has to be a comic that really appeals to me, or else I spend an hour reading Achewood archives).

Anyway, you should read the Chris Ware comic in the New Yorker. I'm starting to really care about the one legged woman from "Building Stories." I'm hoping he collects all of her stories. But it's making me happier to spend better quality time with comics. Here are the ones I've read recently I think you'd like:

- Love & Rockets V2 (Or do two weeks, with V1 one week and V2 the next!)
- The Chris Ware New Yorker thing
- The two Amulet books from Kazu Kibuishi. (The story is a little cliche, but the character art is incredible)
- Invincible from Robert Kirkman & Ryan Ottley
- I know I'm forgetting a couple of really good ones....

Anyway, I think you should stop torturing yourself with Marvel & DC. I think there can be good books from those companies but the vast majority are books that appeal to a niche.

But if nothing else, your weekly column is making me fall in love with good comics all over again.

[Uland]

I have no real interest in this comic, but I'll say this; It seems creepier to me when you get the sense that the guys making these comics and reading them really do want to depict them in overtly sexual ways but refrain — not out of a sense of propriety, but out of some childish sense of embarrassment .This, stuff on the other hand— at least they're acknowledging it, you know? There's no real reason to look at Poison Ivy, or to draw her, than to inspire a half-chub in sweat pants.
Would it be better if they took her seriously, as a character? I honestly don't know. I kinda think it's this or nothin.

[Tim O'Neil]

Honestly, I am simply left at a loss for words that someone who did so many good Batman stories in one medium could so consistently fail using the same characters in another medium.

Maybe there is an argument to be made for standards & practices restrictions actually fostering creativity by forcing creative people to, you know, be creative. Instead of just telling the artist to draw some prime jackin' material and calling it a day. (And by "prime" I mean pitiful. And it's not even like Dini isn't married to a real, life woman, either. He should know better! But since his wife regularly dresses like Zatanna for fun, I guess the fuck not.)

[Dave]

Well, to be fair MarkAndrew, 4chan actuallly has a comics board, so they're really just scans_daily except with pedophiles instead of "feminists" and an obsession with Deadpool and Harley Quinn instead of Cassandra Cain Batgirl and Spoiler.

Also scans_daily doesn't explicitly condone piracy, whereas /co/ has multiple threads devoted to rapidshares links of release day scans. Also, members of the board have written and commissioned copious amounts of Avatar: The Last Airbender and Power Pack pornography.

So yeah, they're equally awful, but in completely different ways.

[bucky]

Makes sense to me that a cactus, which retains a ton of liquid, would be a perfect plant to engorge and explode to put out some flames...and the white stuff, cactus milk--right?

Seriously though, relax and don't read. I mean look at the frakking cover, what's the surprise?

[AERose]

"Honestly, I am simply left at a loss for words that someone who did so many good Batman stories in one medium could so consistently fail using the same characters in another medium."

I think editorial assigned him that Hush tie in to Batman RIP and Dini just decided it wasn't worth it anymore.

[Tucker Stone]

Uland's point is interesting. Initially, I thought about how nice Catwoman was when it first started up, when it was just simple noir super-hero stuff, basically a Daredevil warm-up where Catwoman worked her way towards committing murder--but that wasn't too much of an exception, Catwoman's had some semi-decent non-wank stories before. But Poison Ivy? Nothing. She's always been jerk-off fodder. Even that Batman video-game has her moaning and groaning when she's getting batarangs thrown into her face. Whether that means that they should be lauded for doing it openly...hm.

I can still see how this would be a really odd book if you didn't read enough of these things to know this sort of stuff isn't that unusual. Hell, isn't this the fourth or fifth bukkake comic this year?

[MtL]

I recall defending Marvel Divas on messages boards/blogs, calling for reserved judgment until at least the first issue came out and having such pleas fall on deaf ears while people would tout how DC's Gotham City Sirens was far more female friendly. So now with each passing issue of Sirens I can't help but laugh.

[Kenny Cather]

Nina,

I think you should read Bart Simpson Comics #50 next week. The entire issue is done by Sergio Aragones, one of the big contributors to MAD Magazine in its prime and a master of comics. I read it last night as my comic of the week and it was *really* fun.

[Matthew J. Brady]

I don't think my store got that Bart Simpson comic, or I probably would have had to buy it. Sergio! Luckily, I got my Groo fix last week, so all was good.

[Kenny Cather]

Matt, it's worth trying to hunt down. It's fun in the way the old Simpsons episodes used to be.

[Guest]

"And yeah, I just dropped an f-bomb because the more I look at this and write about it the more offended I am."

You're personally offended that sex happens anywhere? Like it's an attack on you? That's uhhhh.... weird.