The Factual Opinion

Television of the Weak: Eat Crack

This week we've got Survivor, 24 & The Bad Girls Club

Survivor: Heroes and Villains - "Preview, Part 1" by Martin Brown

The last time Survivor tried a pure all-star season, it was a complete disaster. Half of the all stars weren’t playing for keeps, and the other half were negligible personalities who had somehow managed to sneak through casting. A prime example of the latter, the winner, Amber Brkich, was one of the worst winners in the history of the game; the voting order was mostly predictable; and everyone lead with their egos, which made the atmosphere pretty ugly. But hen, 8 seasons later, when producers tinkered with the All-Stars formula for Micronesia: Fans vs. Favorites, which pitted 10 all-stars against a tribe of newcomers, they ended up with the best season since the original. So Survivor: Heroes and Villains, the show’s second pure all-stars season, which begins February 11, could go either way.

I don’t know anyone else, besides my girlfriend, who keeps up with Survivor. It’s easy to see why. There are legions of inherently goofy rules and rituals that structure the show—challenges, tribal council, torch-snuffing, immunity idols, exile island, merges, buffs, “the tribe has spoken,” the Survivor auction, the jury—all of which help prevent new viewers from investing. So, Survivor relies on its core audience for its success—and, for the most part, it works. Survivor regularly lands in the top 10 of Nielsen ratings, pulling somewhere between 11 and 13 million viewers per episode. Now, Heroes and Villains seems a lot like a move to see just how much core audience is out there. The inherent difficulty with the show is that it starts over every 15 episodes, with what could potentially be a great or horrible arc. Heroes and Villains might be trying to net viewers who dabble—tuning in one season and out the next—by luring them with stories about characters they’re already familiar with.

There’s the rub. Not only does Survivor: Heroes and Villains ask you to keep track of the shifting dynamics between 20 people on an island, it asks you to juggle the information about their previous seasons—because how well they did will most likely have an effect on this game. Survivor is a show that watches itself, and the all-star contestants have seen one another perform—so they know what to expect from each other, and they factor that into their gameplay. From a playing stand-point, this makes the more unknown quantities (like Amber from the original All-Stars, or Parvati from Micronesia) the most dangerous players, because they have the element of surprise on their side. From a viewing standpoint, it means that the more information you have, the richer your experience will be. And, though it’s what potentially keeps the most people away from the show, this is also why Survivor is the smartest reality show on television—because each season carries with it the history of every season before it, not unlike a scripted drama. Even when no contestants carry over, gameplay does. The people who have watched the show, tend to play the game better. That’s never truer than with an all-stars season. It also happens to be true of watching it. The deeper you go with the language and mythos of Survivor, the more enjoyable it becomes—which makes it more like, say, Lost than The Amazing Race.

Anyway, I’m pumped. Over the next couple of weeks, I’m going to be taking a look at the two tribes of Heroes and Villains. Then I’ll be here week-by-week for the recaps. I honestly have no idea if there’s even a single-digit cross-over between people who watch Survivor and people who read TV of the Weak, but if you want to get on board, now’s the time. It’s going to be fun.

24: "8:00-9:00" by Tucker Stone

While there's been some choice moments in the first five hours, the axe and body pinball scene the obvious choice for best, little of what's on display is very promising. There's plenty of new blood--two geek favorite Battlestar Galacticons, Mykelti something-something from Forrest Gump, the game-show host from Slumdog Millionaire (playing the leader of an unnamed Mid-East country) and, of course, Freddie Prinze, Jr. in the (really?) role of "Cole Ortiz"--but casting and acting aren't what anybody cares about in 24. After all, these people are just moveable meat puppets, existing so that Kiefer Sutherland has a warm body to bounce off of on his way towards other Things, People, and Explosions. On the effects front, there was a nice helicopter explosion, which was followed by a less impressive manhole cover explosion.

Overall though? It's pretty bad. The always difficult to tolerate domestic scenes have already reared up twice, once with India's Elvis Costello trying to smooth things over with his wife after an affair with a plastic surgery victim came to light, all under the watchful eye of a daughter who is written to be 13 but happens to be played by a 30 year old, and a second time when Katee Sackhoff did her best to destroy any memory of her as a female character capable of taking care of herself. (It's not Starbuck's fault that her 24 role has her vomiting rivulets of snotty tears while a hammy redneck spits insults into her gigantic eyeballs, but she is accepting the check that comes with this shitty, shitty role.) Thankfully, Agent Freckles' position as the nu-Jack seems to be playing out well--it's never that hard to point out how often 24 recycles plots wholesale, but the spectacle of Renee Walker and her magnificent freckles redoing the beginning of the show's 2nd season is actually working out quite nicely. Besides the sadistic severing of limbs and Renee's suicidal bargaining tactics, her childish "you should learn to trust me" attitude is exactly the same kind of shit that Jack put everyone through back when he was chopping off a child molester's head with a hacksaw inside the CTU offices. It's a repititon, yes, but it's a repetition being played out by an actor who has the range to play the scenes in a way that Kiefer, for all his yelling, torturing and kickboxing skills, never really could. Feeling sorry for what Renee has become, seeing how much pain she's dumped upon herslef--it's easy. Unlike Jack, Renee doesn't read as a character who is irredeemable; she's just busted, not broken.

Still, no apologies. 24 isn't as warm-blanket as Law & Order, it'll never be as good as The Shield, but occasionally, it can still "OWN". And if this seasons moments of said ownage will be at the hands of a suicidal ex-FBI agent played by an attractive woman who is good at crying and acting crazy, well, they'll probably be somewhat uncomfortable. That doesn't negate the potential for some high quality trash.

Bad Girls Club: "Friend? Frenemy?" by Tucker Stone

The episode opens at 4:30 in the morning, which was the period of time when the itching powder in Kate's bed caused her such discomfort that she woke from slumber to go and complain. Natalie, who put the itching powder in her bed, laughed and made snide faces until Kate realized it was her. (It also helped that everybody else was asleep in bed except for Flo, who was sitting on the floor listening to Natalie talk about putting itching powder in Kate's bed.)

The next evening, the girls go to a male strip club. They have a wonderful time putting money in the underwear of some well built dancers, and Annie even dances on a pole. Everyone laughs and is really happy. The happiness spreads to Kate and Natalie, who are discussing the argument they had in a recent episode. Natalie apologizes profusely to Kate for spitting in her face during the argument. As the girls conversation continues, the girls clutch each other's hands, swearing to become the closest of friends. After all, as Kate puts it, they "could have a lot of fun if they got along", and they're "the prettiest girls in the house." (While beauty is arguably subjective, any honest human being knows full well that Kendra is, by far, the most attractive woman in this particular cast.) Sealing their new friendship with a kiss, the two girls go onto the dance floor, where they again seal their new friendship by grinding their genitals into one another, and then to seal their friendship for a third time, they make out for a little bit. When the girls return home, Kate and Natalie become concerned that they have still failed to make their desires clear to one another, so they get in bed and hold each other. According to Natalie, Kate humps her a little bit. Then they refer to Lexie as Miss Piggy because Lexie likes to eat lots of unhealthy snacks covered in ranch dressing. Then they discuss whether they should take a bubble bath together.

Amber, Annie and Kendra are all taken surprised by the two girls behavior. Amber--no doubt feeling a bit betrayed--refers to Kate's decision as proof of a weak character, whereas Annie and Kendra keep most of their feelings to themselves. Annie is later busted making a few sarcastic comments about how pathetic the Kate's switching of behavior is, and Kate calls her out on it, saying she merely wishes to have a smoother relationship with everyone, including Natalie. (Kendra aptly observes that Kate has effectively ruined her standing in the eyes of everyone except for Flo, who hasn't been paying attention to anything, and questions whether Kate is just full of shit.)

The rest of the next morning is tied up with a bored Natalie, who has decided to pick on Annie for the time being. After a random string of insults, most of which are related to Annie's obsessive compulsive morning routines and her desire for cleanliness, Kendra pulls Annie aside and tells her that she has to start standing up for herself. In a later confessional, Kendra admits that she has grown tired of watching and listening to Natalie's constant bullying, but her irritation is now more directed at Annie for constantly taking it. When an oblivous Annie asks Kendra what she should do about it, Kendra snaps "get in her face, fucking yell at her."

That afternoon, the girls go to Malibu Speed Zone, which is a go-kart/drag race track. While at the track, Kendra overhears Annie and Natalie referring to Lexie as "Miss Piggy", and her disgust for the two girls grows. On the race track, Natalie picks on Lexie some more by bumping her go-kart. While Lexie notices the attack, she doesn't seem to care.

That night, Flo, Natalie, Kate and Kendra head out to the clubs, and Kate wears a dress so short that the blur effect is used to conceal her modesty. Kate brags to the girls that she has hooked up with the "number one pitcher, the number one race car driver" and the lead singer of Nickleback. Natalie gets excited and says "Nickleeeeeeebaaaack. I know what that is!" In a confessional, Natalie says that while she and Kate may not have originally got along, she now realizes that they "see eye-to-eye on a lot of things." At the club, Natalie and Kate make out again, and then they take pictures of one another. They also make fun of Lexie some more. (At this point, the show cuts back to the house, where Lexie and Annie are playing Go Fish while Amber watches.) On the way home, Kendra gets fed up with the constant stream of insults directed at Lexie and tells the girls to stop. When they don't, she pulls the car over and delivers an ultimatum: shut up or walk home. Natalie calms Kate down, and Kendra drives the girls home.

The next day, two more of Natalie's friends show up--their names are "Rogdrick" and "Mahershal", but they're only on the episode for a few minutes. Rogdrick plays basketball! Overseas! Natalie is getting her hair cut by a come-to-the-house hairdresser, and she decides to make fun of Annie for the entertainment of her gentlemen guests and Kate, but Annie decides it is high time for her to stand up for herself. She doesn't do the best job, snapping her fingers the way that Damon Wayans used to when he played a homosexual stereotype on In Living Color, but the mere sight of her shouting at Natalie seems to do the trick, and Flo is very excited at the prospect of Annie's newfound spinal column. Later on, Annie refers to Kate's recent behavior as her being like "trailer trash." At this statement, Lexie chimes in "I lived in a double wide when I was a little toooooooodler." Amber tells her that she will probably be the next in line to be made fun of now that Annie has stood up to Natalie, and Lexie says she will "choke a bitch" if they "give me shit." Amber looks very confused at this response, but Lexie doesn't notice.

That night, Annie flirts with a bunch of semi-unattractive men at the club, and Kate makes fun of her for it. Kendra immediately calls her on it, and all of the girls watch on as Kendra tells Kate to shut up. When Kate goes up to the bar, she pushes Annie and Annie immediately tells her to apologize, which she doesn't. Finally, just as Amber had predicted, Kate starts making fun of Lexie, Natalie joins in, and the words "Miss Piggy" finally reach Lexie's ears. Back at the house, Lexie immediately goes up to the girls individually and yells at them to say it to her face, they both back down. Kendra, sensing the opportunity for more confrontation, gets involved, and eventually she and Kate start having a spit fight, where the two of them spit into each others face and hair until they run out of available saliva. All of the other girls are disgusted. Kate keeps saying that she never called Lexie "Miss Piggy", which is a blatant lie, easily disproved. Amidst the argument, she notices that Amber is sneering at her, and when questioned why, Amber unleashes a torrent of complaint, accusing Kate of being a fake bitch.

On the lighter side of things, Natalie and Annie smooth over their various arguments, and Natalie promises to stop saying certain mean things to Annie. Annie smirks and tells Natalie "that's bullshit, but whatever." Natalie laughs and goes to sleep.

The next day, Kate has an out of town friend--a woman she claims is the most attractive person she has ever met--visit. Amber, Lexie and Annie had made previous plans to spend the evening at a quiet bar (as opposed to another night club), and Kate and her friend tag along, both willfully oblivious to where they are going before they arrive. When they realize that the girls are planning on spending time at a dive bar, they whine and complain, needling the girls about going to a club. Kate promises to buy a round for everybody. The girls eventually acquiesce. When they arrive at the club, Annie offhandedly mentions the whole "buy a drink for us" thing, to which Kate angrily tells her no. The two bicker a little bit, and then Annie snatches Kate's drink, which she pours out on the floor. Kate picks up some cranberry juice and throws it in Annie's face. Annie doesn't even respond, she just laughs and starts dancing in a cruel imitation of Kate. Kate then picks up a pitcher of orange juice, which she empties on Annie's head. Annie takes it, wipes the orange juice out of her eyes, and goes right back to dancing. Kate looks a lot like a fool.

 

On the way back to the house, Annie calls Kate white trash, and the other girls all laugh. (Except for Kate and her friend.) After they arrive, Annie tells Flo and Kendra the whole story, and Flo laughingly cries that it is time to make "Team Annie" t-shirts, probably by "going to the mall." 

The episode ends with Kendra calling Kate a nobody. Apparently there is going to be more fighting next week.

-Martin Brown & Tucker Stone, 2010

Romancing The Stone: It IS simple. NEXT!

Yooooooooooooooo.

If I'm keeping up with this date metaphor, I feel like I just had a marathon date with Eeyore.

(Maybe not Eeyore. Eeyore seems incapable of seeing the bright side to any situation. This one just doesn't have a bright side. It was like a date with Droopy Dog.

not simple
By Natsume Ono
Published by Viz

I'm not saying that a comic--or a TV show, or a movie--has to be all "ha ha ha ha! Weeeee!" But if you are a person such as I, seeking a pleasurable experience that will hopefully lead to more pleasurable experiences (either by reading a series or more work by the same writer), this was not the book for that.

Because this book is BLEAK. It is also KIND OF STUPID.

Let me spin this toward the positive a little. Being so bitingly bleak is not, in itself, a bad thing. In fact, I can't recall experiencing that particular feeling done so well in book form in recent memory. I imagine that all of us, at one time or another, have had an experience or a period of time when we just felt extremely low; like there was a huge gaping hole of pain where our stomach was supposed to be. And if you've been there, but recovered from it, it's not really that easy to recall the experience because, well Lord, who would want to?! But this comic has this ability to take one down some of the deepest, darkest unending roads that one can travel. But it's not pity that is drawn out from the reader. I wasn't pitying not simple's main character. The whole comic just oozes sadness and despair.

The art seemed simple at first, but by that I just mean that it was easy to look at and follow. One shape keeps coming to my mind. Circles. A lot of big, sad, round eyes, round text bubbles, round heads. Those eyes, if really looked at proportionately, wouldn't work in real life. But in this case, well, they are the windows of these fictional souls. Regret, bitterness, sadness -- all drawn in big saucer pools, and while I wouldn't go all the way and call them empty, I'd bet that part of the reason I wasn't empathizing or sympathizing was that those giant circles didn't want to let me in. They just want to talk, they don't want to listen.

This comic does what it does really well, even though there's no real catharsis. There's no real point to be made or gleaned. It's feels like a story that came out of a "what if?" "What if all the worst possible scenarios for a kid were true? What if a kid were a product of incest, divorce, estrangement, abandonment, alcoholism, and sexual abuse/prostitution? Could he possibly retain any innocence? What would his life be like?"

Which brings me to some (more) of the problems I had with the book. It's a quiet book, without much dialogue. It seems to be void of anything that smacks of the usual day-to-day. We aren't given even a glimpse of any other part of Ian's (the main character) daily life, anything that might provide some joy. There's the one track meet, but there's no school day depicted. There's no interaction with teachers or kids or neighbors. Just a lonely endless wait and search. It's like the story drowns in its attempts to depict sadness. Despite being a kind of open, easy read, there's nothing making it to the surface except a bleak sameness, the events that cause or maintain the sadness, and then it's over. Ian barely reacts to his circumstances--most of which are terrible--at all, and without any sense of a daily existence, he's just a receptacle for pain. I can't feel sorry for him, because I never forgot how fake he was, I never forgot that not simple was just a story.

Oh yeah, the prologue?  WTF? As a storytelling device, sure, it works great to tell the end so that the reader's head is filled with questions and is subsequently pulled towards a book's conclusion. (Although I think we've seen that plenty of times now, you know?) Anyway, this prologue nearly had the opposite effect on me. It was just another subplot inside a subplot inside another subplot, all just to set up that this kid with horrific luck, dies. I'm wondering if the epilogue was the first thing that was ever written, and then the chapters. When it came time for Ono to put it all together, she had to find a way to make it all work, so here comes the prologue. 

While I'm bitching about the prologue, here's a couple other "problems" I had with this story. What's with this kid and time? He'll wait until he accomplishes some "goals" before he'll try to see his sister again - even though it ends up taking years? He has the first love experience of his life and agrees to meet the woman three years later? Not one? Not six months? Why not 430 hours? Maybe he should have to pick a thousand acorns and then he can meet her for a double dip cone. Why does he agree to arbitrary time constraints and poorly defined objective? It doesn't make any sense for the character, it just seems like random stuff designed to push him forward on some magic story outline.

You know, it reminds me of the set-up in Vampire Knight. There's certain restrictions written in that make no narrative sense, restrictions that exist just to create conflict in a story that would otherwise have none. In Vampire Knight, I felt like I was being forced to agree to stupid rules, and I felt the same way with not simple. I have to just accept this silly set-up of "try and reach your goal, and when you do, we can see each other again,"  as well as "let's meet again in three years".  Without these two plot devices, the book wouldn't really be any different--still bleak--but it would be shorter.

And while throwing in an author who is going to write the story of the comic (Ian's life is on track to becoming a book within the actual plot) makes it seem like not simple is some kind of combination story, a mix of real and fictional storytelling, it's a story built out of an overall sameness of tone, a dumb prologue, and a constant enforcing of "rules" that exist just to screw up the character's life more. It's like being told "this thing is supposed to be bad and disjointed, and that's what makes it good." That's fine and all, but things can be "bad" without being stupid.

So, what am I saying? Look, sometimes I like to see a sad movie and cry my eyes out. And if you enjoy seeing the darkest nature of some family units, this might be your cup of tea. But as date? I just really wish I'd spent my time reading something else.

In other words: Next!

-Nina Stone, 2010

Comics Of The Weak: Don't Be Naive. It's Called Identification With The Aggressor.

Green Lantern Corps # 44
Written by Peter Tomasi
Art by Patrick Gleason, Rebecca Buchman, Tom Nguyen, Keith Champagne, Randy Mayor & Gabe Eltaeb
Published by DC Comics

This is the second issue of Green Lantern Corps where Guy Gardner flies around buck-fucking the holy hell out of alien zombies in full Christmas Regalia. It's exactly the same plot as the previous issue, except for the parts where the We Love You Lanterns Gray's Anatomy scenes have been replaced by multiple pages of a planet eating the zombies Guy Gardner hasn't re-killed yet. There's a veneer of professionalism here, one that's almost shiny enough to obscure a story that seems to have been pulled full cloth from the junior high notebooks of a couple of Green Lantern fanatics. Almost, but not quite.

Dark Avengers # 13
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Mike Deodato & Rain Beredo
Published by Marvel Comics

Similar to the way DC refuses to give up on publishing Green Arrow comics despite the world's lack of interest, Marvel refuses to give up on the Sentry, a character whose always-expanding/never-interesting origin now somehow includes a Crossover Classics moment with the Original Bad Boys of Massive Continuity, oft referred to as "The Holy Bible". If it wasn't for the simple fact that super-hero comic books have spent so much of their existence struggling to survive against the onset of their fan's puberty, "think of the children" psychiatrists and nonstop developments in Truly Fantastic Technology, the Bendis/Marvel commitment might be an impressive case study in Can't Stop Won't Stop stubborness. It is a super-hero comic, and that's the one place where Doing The Same Thing might, someday, hope-hope, Produce A Different Result. Maybe throwing Moses in the blender isn't such a bad idea. (Next stop: jawbones!)

Uncanny X-Men # 520
Written by Matt Fraction
Art by Greg Land, Jay Leisten & Justin Ponsor
Published by Marvel Comics

Somebody apparently pointed out to Matt Fraction that serialized comic books already had a craptastic Israel-as-analog series up and running, because this issue focuses mostly on Wolverine leading a team of Your Favorite Claremont Characters through a sewer, with a minor break so that Magneto could get started on the whole yoga subplot that will get full cover detail soon enough. Hopefully Greg Land can find the time to grab some new copies of Glamour and Elle, as he's traced that same over the shoulder moron smile about 34 times in the past year.

Amazing Spider-Man # 618
Written by Dan Slott
Art by Marcos Martin & Javier Rodriguez
Published by Marvel Comics

 

Jesus, that guy can draw some purty shit. It's like Family Circus, only you still want to have kids and be a human being after looking at it. Be nice if it wasn't on the Jay Leno of super-hero characters, but that's how it crumbles sometimes.

Captain America # 602
Written by Ed Brubaker
Art by Luke Ross
Published by Marvel Comics

Pretty standard stuff, for the most part. "Natasha was whining about your cold hands"? Wait a fucking second. Okay, that's just creepy.

Dark Wolverine # 82
Written by Daniel Way & Marjorie Liu
Art by Giuseppe Camuncoli & Onofrio Catacchio, Marte Gracia & Antonio Fabela
Published by Marvel Comics

Dark Wolverine 92 is one of those odd lightning strikes moments where Giuseppe Camuncoli throws out a bunch of tight-as-hell drawings of slice-em-up violence in the service of retelling parts of a larger story. While the method doesn't cohere very well--Wolverine keeps taking breaks to flirt with his mostly-male teammates, and the ending is clearing bullshit--it's a really nice looking chunk of violent comic book art. If it wasn't for Hellblazer, a comic where Camuncoli's flair for gore was married to actual plot, it might read as being a tad more special. But that issue of Hellblazer does exist, leaving this particular comic as little more than a half-ass The Art Of experience. It would be abnormally pleasurable if the ending was real, with Marvel following up the whole "finish Captain America Reborn without actually doing so" by killing off Norman Osborn in some offshoot Daken comic, but god knows nobody's that lucky.

Batman: Streets of Gotham # 8
Written by Mike Benson
Art by Dustin Nguyen
Published by DC Comics

The Batman comic that came out last week had a minor editing mistake, forgetting to place the word "is" in a dialog box. This week's Batman comic spells the word "connection" without using the middle c, producing "connetion", which actually isn't a word. Luckily, fill-in writer Mike Benson wrote a story where Batman gives Commissioner Gordon the sort of orders that any longtime Law & Order/CSI fan would, like "don't let those detectives contaminate the scene", and "check for connections between these multiple murder victims", making it clear that misspellings are the slightest of problems--apparently the entire Gotham police department is made up of incompetent children. In future Benson-written stories, Batman will also tell elderly people how babies are made and remind Robin not to swallow toothpaste leavings. According to the story here, he'll also revel in the torture deaths of safecrackers and cat burglars? Jesus, the Punisher even gives safecrackers a pass. New Batman is Fucking Raw.

Thunderbolts # 140
Written by Jeff Parker
Art by Miguel Sepulveda, Array & Frank Martin
Published by Marvel Comics

The joke at the end is pretty funny, but that's to be expected--way too often, Big Two comics assume that character deaths have to be treated as big, ape-testicle maneuvers reflected in giant splash pages of horror and sadness, buried behind a cover that big-font-screams out some version of TRAGEDY STRIKES. Here, a classic point-blank gunshot to the face, delivered with a minimum of foreshadowing and a flashy wit, and done. It sure would have been nice for it to have been drawn better, but hey: it must be half-measures week. Call it a theme.

Fables # 92
Written by Bill Willingham
Art by David Lapham
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

Leave it to Bill "Who put these fucking immigrants in my melting pot" Willingham to break through the Vertigo line and come closer to on-panel erect penis than anybody has in years. He had to turn to David "Nobody bought Young Liars except for Internet Psychos" Lapham to pull it off, but still: groundbreaking shit. It's almost like that time when they decided that abortions shouldn't be illegal, which is ironic. (Because....well, you know. Emotional problems, debates.)

Azrael # 4

This remains the weirdest looking comic book that DC publishes. The plots are pretty much Nightwing at the Marvel Knights imprint, but this is basically somebody trying to make a super-hero comic that might lead children to take a chance on Robert Crumb.

RASL # 6
By Jeff Smith
Published by Cartoon Books

While it's unlikely that Smith pays attention to Dave Sim's current blog-as-comic publishing output, the opening pages of RASL 6 read a lot like a sarcastic rebuke to Glamourpuss, with its "here are drawings of real people and a first person narration describing why the speaker likes them". Exercised right up to the point where the reader's interest takes a turn towards exhaustion, the comic jerks into action, the story switching to theft and arrogance, and when the "here be history" returns, it's a marriage of deception. Exploration begets connection, both characters abusing the trust of other men, only to be betrayed by those who hold their financial lifelines.

Hellblazer # 263
Written by Peter Milligan
Art by Giuseppe Camuncoli & Stefano Landini
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

While Giuseppe Camuncoli's pages of graphic violence is what will pop first, Milligan's "India" run on Hellblazer is cock-solid. The classic "sleazeball con-man turned successful cult leading con-man" continues to scrape out a survivor lifestyle, complete with a moment where he's busted trying to sneak out the back door with an overstuffed suitcase, and the Indian take on Dragnet partners remains a six panel wonder. Constantine himself seems finally on track with how unrealistic it is for him to keep caring about his dead short-term girlfriend, a development driven home when he ends up wallowing in actual shit. Like all good Hellblazer stories, you can't call this shit rad until the lens of history gets a nice wipe of nostalgia covered kleenex, but that doesn't mean it ain't worth practicing now.

Pluto # 7
By Naoki Urasawa & Takashi Nagasaki
Published by Viz

Aw, is the widdle manga book better than the wegular comic books and the expensive art comics your friend made?

Violins playing. Here comes the trombone.

not simple
By Natsume Ono
Published by Viz

A pretty straightforward story about a boy with a Chinatown problem--messed up parentage, not a plot to fuck with water prices--not simple tries to marry a cutesty indie-flick appearance while leaping as far into a Lifetime-tv-movie plot as one can before the manic depression pill companies start asking about the ad rates. While it ultimately achieves a bunch of specific objectives--most of them manipulative family horror tricks--it mixes those with a terrible framing story, an unwillingness to portray its main character as anything more than a brainless victim, and a nice chunk of ineptitude when it comes to dealing with its gaping plot holes. It's pretty to look at, but when the strongest portion of the book comes sullied with the implication that a former child rapist is still handing out handfuls of gum whenever his old victims stop by for a quick, revelatory, chat, then yeah, that shit better be fucking pretty. If Paul Gulacy had drawn this shit, you'd be clawing out your intestines.

Night Business # 3
By Benjamin Marra
Published by Traditional Comics

Torture can't stop Johnny. Torture is Johnny's fuel. Torture is how Johnny clambers up the side of a mountain of crates, torture is what gives Johnny the strength of character to execute, to seal-the-deal. And while the pimps and the slashers may seem to have the upper hand, while the streets of the city may be coated in a thick slime of blood, cum and some more blood as well as some beer, because fuck it, mama needs a beer if she's gonna dance for these sumbitches, ya'll out your cracker and curbing gums on the asphalt if you think anybody does this goddamned job sober, and yep, whoever you are, Monkey Dick, we all blame you, everybody who missed guilt-free hairwon is somebody who misses hairwon, they just haven't gathered their facts yet. "I only smoke when I drink", and "I prefer microbrews", and "I'm a foodie", and "I play video games ironically" and no, that ain't it. Ecstasy: you don't know how to party. Wine: you go to the wrong parties. Your parents: they shouldn't be making your lunch anymore.

-Tucker Stone, 2010

Okay, fine. You want to do this, we'll keep it fucking simple. Thinking caps!

Joe The Barbarian # 1
Written by Grant Morrison
Art by Sean Murphy
Published by Vertigo Comics

Outsiders # 26
Written by Dan Didio
Art by Don Kramer, Philip Tan, Jonathan Glapion
Published by DC Comics

This guy isn't considered good enough by DC Comics to draw their super-hero comics, even the piece of shit shitty ones like Titans.

This comic is written by one of the people with the most authority and pull at DC Comics, an individual who basically can pick whoever he wants. This is who he wants.

This guy: not worth their time.

This guy: totally worth their time.

Do it again, over and over. Try it out with somebody besides Murphy. Try it with Giuseppe Camuncoli, who draws great Hellblazer for Vertigo and great Wolverine for Marvel, while Tony Daniel depicts Batman's cape parallel to the ground despite the character being in a stationary position. Try it with Jason Aaron, who bides his time on a Vertigo book while Marvel gives him the opportunity to make a garbage appearance-only character like Ghost Rider into something worth reading. Try it with Garth Ennis, who publishes the most successful new Wildstorm launch in years, only to end up with The Boys keeping the lights on at the Dynamite Red Sonja factory. Try it with DC's best recent grab being a cover artist spat out of a time machine connected to late-90's steroid fiestas.

This.

It's not the best they can do. It's the best that they're willing to do.

Television of the Weak: The Human Dilemma

This week, it's Dollhouse & The Bad Girls Club

Dollhouse: "The Hollow Man" by Matthew J. Brady

Well, as series finales go, this one certainly could have been worse. And hell, Joss Whedon and team will get a chance to top it next week, with a flash-forward capper along the lines of the first season's finale. But this one was a bit of a disappointment, if only because it trudged the road of mediocrity, neither wowing with awesomeness or stunning with stupidity. It had potential to hew toward the latter path, with the last installment's revelation that the evil mastermind behind the Rossum Corporation was Boyd, who was probably the most empathetic and well-rounded character, always questioning the morality of his actions and caring for those in his charge. But nope, that was all a front! He's actually a scheming evil genius! That's kind of a hilariously ridiculous twist, and one that doesn't make much sense, but at least Harry Lennix gets to have fun with it, and he and the writers do their best to make it plausible, with him pretending to help his ostensible buddies plot the downfall of Rossum while only occasionally grinning maliciously behind their backs, then, after he's found out, making a speech about how the reason he kept them all alive is because they're family, since the easy explanation for things is that he's crazy. He does get a good shot off at Paul, calling him the "one relative that you can live without" and wondering what the others saw in him. Me and you both, buddy; Agent Helo was certainly one of the show's weak points.

Aside from the nonsensical revelations and plot contortions, there's a kind of low-scale attack on Rossum by the good guys; some really cheap-looking sets that look like the budget was low so the show was filmed in the hallways of a local office building, with a couple banks of electronic-looking equipment to prop up in the background; another chance for Enver Gjokaj to play the Topher character; Amy Acker popping up again as a version of Boyd's second-in-command, which gives her a chance to have a terribly-shot fight with Eliza Dushku (seriously, it's like something out of a Michael Bay movie; the low budgets strike again?); and a run-from-the-explosion ending that simply cuts to Echo standing on the street, fine. It might be the expected end of the show, but it's another example of the rushed nature of the end of the series, hurrying to get to the endpoint without making us care. And then it cuts to ten years in the future, where all our heroes travails have been for naught, since the predicted "thoughtpocalypse" came to pass anyway. Hopefully, this means the creators were saving the money shots for the real finale. "Epitaph One" is still probably the best episode of the show's run, and its sequel will hopefully bring its promise, and that of the show itself, to the rightful end. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I'm pulling for it to blow me away regardless. I'd say "Don't let me down, Whedon", but at this point, it doesn't really matter either way. Instead, I'll throw out a pleadingly optimistic thumbs-up and get my crying towel ready just in case.

The Bad Girls Club: "Bad Break" by Tucker Stone

Following last week's all-yelling dual fight episode by beginning the morning after--with everyone still angry albeit hungover--this hour of the Bad Girls Club opens with the girls sneering and snarking at one another as they excitedly pile into the confessionals to give their own take on the evening before. In response to Natalie's early morning graffiti (she wrote "Jealous Bitch" all over the furniture and walls in Kate's bedroom) Kate explains herself to a hypothetical Natalie like this:

Kate: Like, I'm not jealous. I'm not jealous of your long ass face, your fifty pounds of make-up, the fact that you have a boyfriend that you cheat on every other day...good try sweetheart, but it's going to take a lot more than that to piss me off.

Amber actually covers the situation with a funnier observation: "At least write it in sharpie." Natalie inexplicably used a dry-erase marker to write "Jealous Bitch", which Kate easily removes by rubbing the words lightly with her finger.

The girls are planning a trip to a local lesbian bar the next evening, and seeing how uncomfortable Amber is with the trip, Natalie informs the girls that "It's box-eating time". She then goes and gets her first Brazilian wax. Amber, struggling to explain her feelings in a way that won't come across as homophobic to the audience or cast members, eventually says that she doesn't believe in "the whole bisexual thing. For somebody to be that confused, they must really suck internally."

A Quick Break For An Angel

Angel is a man that Kendra picked up when the girls went speed dating. He's inserted in the episode as filler--it's hard to tell exactly when he is supposed to be hanging out at the house, since the girls are pretty clear about when they're going to the lesbian bar, and that trip causes the drama that cycles through the last half-hour. But Angel scenes keep showing up, and while they're in order, it's hard to tell when they happened.

1st Time He Shows Up: Angel and Kendra start to fool around in the backyard, and then a bunch of the girls come outside and purposely interrupt the making out. Annie takes off all her clothes and swims around in the pool, they throw sex toys at Angel, he eventually leaves.

 

(The inflatable toy pictured above has a hole in its rear.)

2nd Time He Shows Up: The girls go to a sports bar called "Big Wangs", Angel meets them, sits with Kendra. She asks him if he's going to pay for her food, he mumbles and acts weird. They pat each other a bunch, kiss some, all the while, Natalie keeps making faces at him. He then leaves without throwing in to pay for his chicken wings, sticking Kendra with the bill.

3rd Time He Shows Up, Sort of: When Natalie finds out that Angel stuck Kendra with the bill, she explains to Kendra that she should bail out on the guy, because there's no good reason to be with a cheapskate. Then she asks if Kendra knows when NFL players get their paychecks deposited. They both already know, and discuss how much NFL players get paid and how free they are with their money. Kendra plays a song/poem/thing that Angel has sung into the answering machine, they both laugh at him for being so weird and strange, and then Natalie calls and dumps him while Kendra laughs.

The Photo Shoot Break

The Oxygen photo shoot sorely lacks drama. Everyone seems very happy to see Portia, except for Natalie. Natalie is sullen and doesn't speak whenever Portia is nearby, although she occasionally makes faces and rolls her eyes. When she starts talking shit about Portia to Kate, Kate just gets up and walks off to hang out with Portia. They shoot the pictures and the introduction to the show--the pictures went up in New York subways at least three months ago, giving one an answer as to why the show has failed to address the health care bills currently moving through America's legislative and executive branch. Portia then gets in a limo and drives away, and Natalie runs outside and waves and makes more faces. She also yells a little bit, and then returns to the girls, proud that she has showed Portia who is the boss.

The Rest of The Episode, An Exploration of Tolerance

We return to the Amber doesn't-believe-in-bisexuality and Flo wants-a-to-fight show, still in progress. While Flo has yet to find out that Amber believes she "sucks internally", she smells the chum in the water. She picks at Amber a bit, but is easily distracted at the club by a blond. They tease and play with one another a bit, eventually, the blond tells Flo this: "I'd really like to fuck the shit out of you right now. What do you think of that?"

Flo likes that, but the cameras don't show what happened. Instead, they cut to Flo in a confessional, where she rambles directly to the audience, eventually pumping her fist and saying "If you're out there judging me, at least you know you respect me for living my life to the fullest." The irony that Flo's behavior at the lesbian bar towards various women is completely indistinguishable from Kendra's behavior during last weeks episode--the behavior that Flo found so offensive that she felt the need to call Kendra a "fucking whore"--goes unmentioned.

Amber finds the entire evening very uncomfortable. There is a cutaway to a daytime scene, shot at an indeterminate point, where Amber asks Flo what her parents think about her sexuality, and Flo says that they expect her to get married to a man and have children. (She doesn't make clear that she is planning to do this.) She then begins talking about how she is representing for every Albanian woman in the world right now, and then she talks about being a Pisces, or how Amber is a Pisces. After this, the show returns to the girls leaving the bar. In the car on the way back, Flo and Natalie start humping each other. Kendra then makes out with each of the girls separately, including Amber.

Although the girls have returned to the house alone, they are eventually met at the house by "Lawrence" from the NFL, who has a girlfriend. He is there to see Natalie, who has a boyfriend. They go upstairs and get in bed, but not for sex, and only after Lawrence has made fun of Natalie's boyfriend. The other men who arrive at the house are never named, the producers refer to them as "DUDES from Big Wangs".

There's no indication of how much time has passed, but Amber and Flo have started arguing about bisexuality, an argument that catches fire when Amber--for some undisclosed reason--decides to explain to Annie, in explicit detail, how it isn't that she dislikes bisexuality, but that she doesn't believe it exists on a fundamental level. As far as she is concerned, playing around with a member of the opposite sex is fine, but people are either gay or straight, there is no in between. She also keeps punctuating her argument by saying "You either lick the cooter or stick the cooter. Pick a side."

Flo is understandably angry, but the argument quickly deteriorates into screaming, with the two girls roaring various insults and objections into each others face. [The entire time, the "DUDES from Big Wangs" are silently witnessing the entire event, like some kind of meathead-Quaker ceremony.]

 

Flo is standing right next to the pool. Amber shoves her into the pool. Flo hurts her ankle, bad enough to get a cast from the hospital. After getting out of the pool, Flo says this: "I'm gonna fucking beat the shit ouf of you."

Flo then picks Amber up by her hair and throws her onto the concrete. Amber achieves maximum velocity. The producers finally get involved, there's a quick shot of Flo's ankle--it's bleeding a little--and the girls are separated for the remainder of the night. Flo screams various threats--"I'm going to kill you", "I'm going to cut you up into little pieces", "My fucking ankle", "I'm not a violent person", "I'm going to fucking kill you bitch", etc. Amber sits in the back of one of the SUVs out front and talks to a few of the girls. Eventually, Flo is taken to the emergency room, where she tells the girls angrily, "I can't do nothing! I can't wear high heels for two weeks!" They leave her at the emergency room, and Amber is taken to a hotel.

The next morning, Amber returns and tells the girls that she doesn't want to be in the same house with Flo, and that she is terrified that Flo will hurt her while she sleeps. The girls agree to support whatever decision Amber makes, although Natalie remains silent. Flo calls from the hospital to be picked up. Kendra and Natalie elect to play chauffeur. Annie tells no one that Flo deserved to have her ankle broken.

After picking up Flo--who claims to have "ripped the bone"--Kendra and Natalie tell Flo that she has to fix this one herself if she wants to stay, and they coach her and explain that she has to apologize and take the blame or she will get sent home. Flo is angry--Amber did initiate the physical contact--but by the time she gets to the house, she has worked herself into an emotional state. While Amber is initially forceful about her feelings, telling Flo that she doesn't want to hear an explanation, she just wants Flo to leave, she eventually succumbs. Flo cries, saying, "You know what I went through to get here? And you're sending me home?", "I need to be here", and "I will never drink again!" 

As the decision is being made, the soundtrack to an Ingmar Bergman film is played, but when Amber finally makes her decision--to allow Flo to stay--it cuts over to one of those Bourne Identity speed techno songs. Flo graciously thanks her, and then climbs into bed. She turns to Natalie and sneers, repudiating her tears and apology. "I ain't going nowhere."

 

Serial killer music plays. Flo laughs.

-Matthew J. Brady & Tucker Stone, 2010

Romancing The Stone: Girl, You're Supposed To Like Manga

I know - the suspense is killing me, too! But I still did not get a chance to read Sword Volume 2 this week. Monday totally snuck up on me, and I didn't want to cram the reading experience into my packed day. I was on my way home, knowing full well that I had 45 minutes on the train, and I thought how ideal it would be to have my comic of the week to read. So, I took myself to Barnes & Noble. Shut up! It was right next to my subway stop! I knew I wasn't going to have a great selection of comics, and yes, I pretty much knew that I'd be picking some kind of manga. If I had to liken my selection process to some sort of dating experience, I'd have to say I think it was like a Quiet Party. 

(I've never been to a Quiet Party, but back when I was playing the field I thought they seemed interesting, and I think my old yahoo email address is still subscribed to their mailing list.) If you don't know what a Quiet Party is, well, as far as I can remember (or what I remember perceiving them to be), it's a party where a whole bunch of singles go into a room - but there's no talking. You just mill around? You look at the other people, and then you send notes to people you're interested in, um, corresponding with. I'm sure there's more rules to the game. But there I am, in Barnes and Noble with shelves and shelves of manga in front of me, and there's loads of people sitting right in front of them, reading. It wasn't so easy to just pick out a book and read it and then put it back. I had to stand there and survey the "crowd" (of books), and make a decision about them just by looking at their spines. When I did lean in (and over) the large man who was seemingly ensconced within the bookshelf, I would pick three books at once and peruse them. I didn't want to have to do this too many times. I, quite literally, had a train to catch.

Now that I'm talking about it, I think I'd found out about Quiet Parties by reading the Missed Connections board on Craigslist, and that's always what I associated them with. Quiet Parties basically sounded like one giant series of Missed Connections. The posts always read like this: "MC: Curly haired Girl at Quiet Party" and the inside was something like, "you were wearing purple and standing with your friend.  I think our eyes met a couple of times. I was the guy drooling in the corner. Write back if you get this."

Come to think of it, I had a few Missed Connection type moments when I was selecting my manga:

MC with Death Note

"Hi. I read the first several volume of you. I really liked what you had going on! I'm not sure why I fell out of touch. Maybe because L got replaced midstream? I didn't really like that. And I wasn't ready to go to a whole new story line with some imitation of L. But here you are, right in front of me today, and i'm kind of wondering what happened. Maybe we can hook up again some time soon?"

MC with Fruit Baskets

"What's the deal with Fruit Baskets? What am I missing? This is a total Missed Connection because I can't figure out the appeal. Why does your name even register in my brain? But then, this time, when I was willing to give it a try for the sake of romance, you had every volume available except number one. You even had sticker books available. Sticker books?"

MC with Nana

"Nana.....I loved you. I did. What's going on? I couldn't even finish the last volume. I mean, we use to get together and it was non-stop. I would not rest or do anything until I read you. Now there doesn't seem to be that same impressive maturing process and emotional growth of your totally cool characters. You've just added more and more and everyone's getting distant. Come back, Nana. Come back!!"

So, yeah, Nana is really my benchmark when it comes to manga. I haven't read any that grabbed me the way that series did. I love Nana. Part of the love comes from how I've watched and witnessed the characters, particularly Hachi and Nobu, grow and mature. The way that they both deal with loss and pain, figuring out who they are and learning from past mistakes was truly impressive. I felt impressed by Nobu when he was moving on and dealing with the new girlfriend. It was like real life, and frankly, in real life often people don't show the growth that these characters exhibit.

But there's another thing about Nana, and it's a pretty big deal: I love Nana for the way it's drawn. It's not even just the art, it's something about the fashion, the way Ai Yazawa designs all these beautiful, sexy clothes, drapes them on top of beautiful sexy people, and then everybody runs around crying and falling in love and crashing into each other. I like it for the same reason that I love to watch Sex and The City--not gonna argue that the show has great acting or anything, but there's something about the set design and the clothes they wear and the colors that draws me into a world that's nothing like mine, and it welcomes me, and it makes me feel happy. Absorbed by fabulous clothes and cool places to hang out, and while it's merely a fictional world, it brightens up the moments in between, the same way that fresh flowers in a vase do. Hey, I know that sounds totally ridiculous. But it's honest. And that's how Nana makes me feel. 

And if you've stayed with me this long, then yes, I'm finally going to get to Vampire Knight, which is the manga I ended up selecting.

Vampire Knight Volume 1
By Matsuri Hino
Published by Shojo Beat

Nana has pretty much set my look and appeal for what I'm looking for in manga, and in a completely selfish way, what I expect it to be. Vampire Knight seemed like it might meet those expectations, and it's also got vampires. I thought it'd be interesting to see how manga does vampires since I've been exploring this genre so often lately. (That sounds a bit more scientific than it really felt. This looked like something I know I like, and it featured a type of thing that I also like.)

Vampire Knight is set in a high school. A boarding school. The deal is that there is a day class and a night class, and never the two shall meet. The day class is supposed to leave the classroom and be completely out of the way when the night class comes. Why? Because the night class is made up of vampires! But....and here's the really flimsy part that creates the drama....the day class doesn't know that the night class is made up of vampires, and they're supposed to ignore the night class and not ask questions. Thing is, the night class is made up of a bunch of individuals who are all really, really beautiful (as is the apparent rule of vampire mythology). So, even though they are supposed to be tucked away before the night class comes, the day class hangs out and goes crazy over the night class. 

There are two people on the disciplinary committee who are to keep the day class and the night class in line: Yuki and Zero. They are two people whose families were destroyed by vampires and were taken in by the pacifistic headmaster who strongly believes that vampires and humans can peacefully co-exist. (What is that? "Your family was murdered? Excellent, i've been looking for someone just like you to exploit my personal philosophy through a massive sociological experiment, with you as the experiment.")

Let's say a person such as myself decides to put aside plausibility. (I mean, seriously, why isn't this entire comic made up of day class students saying, "What's up with the night class?" or "Um, why can't I switch classes" or something like that, over and over and over again.) Let's say I suspend my disbelief and just go with it. 

Well, it was interesting for the first chapter, which is entitled "First Night". Second chapter is, you guessed it, Second Night. Etc, etc, etc, I wonder if it stays like that throughout. Immediately in the second chapter, the reader is made painfully aware of a. how this was published as separate issues, and b. how it is meant for children? It must be. There's no recap page, but in nearly every chapter it is re-explained in bold letter that the NIGHT CLASS IS VAMPIRES, and the day class is not. And the day class can't know...blah blah blah. 

I found Vampire Knight confusing and hard to read. Nana breaks form now and then, but it's easy to follow and read, it's all pretty intuitive. But Vampire Knight has pages strewn with three or four different types of text bubbles. There's actual dialogue bubbles, then thought bubbles, then narration bubbles and then there's these black boxes when we're being told about Vampires. I don't know if it's supposed to be the narrator or just The Truth About Vampires in black boxes. It's kind of surprising that something that plays the premise and recaps in such a dumb, blunt fashion fails to come up with a more simple method of delivering the rest of its information.

The story did start to get a little interesting. Our pal, Zero, detests vampires and is out for revenge after what they did to him and his family. However, it turns out that his family were destroyed by Pureblood Vampires and since he was bitten as well, he has slowly transformed into a vampire over the last four years. He even attacked Yuki and drank her blood. Also, Yuki is madly in love with the vampire who saved her life ten years before. Seems like many a love triangle is a-coming.

Vampire Knight, as much as I wanted to like you, I just didn't. First I had to buy into a premise that makes less sense to me than Batgirl. Then that premise was spoon-fed to me over and over - against my will! (IMAGINE that on a date!). When I did decided to commit to the experience I found it hard to follow. It wasn't as good looking or fun as Nana. To be honest, I stopped after the fourth chapter. Called it quits early. Essentially I pulled that thing you do on dates, when you have it set up that your best friend will call you half way through, and if it's a bad date you pretend she's telling you there's an emergency that you have to take care of immediately and leave. (If it's a good date, you just don't pick up.) 

Sorry Vampire Knight. It's an emergency.

-Nina Stone, 2010

Comics Of The Weak: Who Invented The Skip

Army Of Two # 1
Written by Peter Milligan
Art by Dextor Soy & Pete Marzan Jr
Published by IDW & EA (for four bucks) or iTunes & EA (for 2 bucks)

How low on the video game totem pole do you have to be for Wildstorm to claim there's no room at the inn? Army of Two low, apparently. This one's a video game set in a world where the military have been unceremoniously replaced by two guys with tribal tattoos and the ass-in-the-air sexy librarian type woman they ignore, which, if you think about it for more than a second, is a story vomited out by the Gods of Manga as prototype for a thousand and one yaoi plots. This being an American mainstream enterprise designed to appeal to the game's presumably homophobic fanbase, the closest it gets to romance is when the hot girl scowls out a "don't be sexist" because one of the Extremely Tribal Guys has offhandedly referred to her as "pretty." Sound advice, as long as you ignore that this girl's entire existence is predicated on supplying a couple of steroid cases with an endless line of people they get paid to shoot at. What's next? Being reprimanded for using the word "doll" while skullfucking Neo-Nazi corpses? Skateboards!

Batman # 695

Harder to read than any Batman comic has a right to be.  

Titans # 21
Written by JT Krul
Art by Angel Unzeuta & Wayne Fauchner
Published by DC Comics

The last issue of Titans featured a female character moving all the way to Florida because a bartender flirted with her, a decision she made in an attempt to exert some control over her own life. In a surprising twist, this issue is actually a bit worse than that one, choosing as it does to not even tell a story, but to fill in the boxes on a gigantic Titans Mad Libs card. "How does [Titans character] feel about [previous development in non-Titans comic book]." That's repeated over and over again, giving every cast member a chance to ejaculate their own asinine explanation for how much Red Arrow's life is completely fucking over due to the fact that he lost his arm. (The best part is how these claims are mentioned around Cyborg, a character who has spent the entirety of his various appearances attempting to show that losing one's body parts does not, in fact, render them in any way less human or valuable.)

Amazing Spider-Man # 617

Javier Pulido's work on the back-up story is exceptional, the sort of quality that points to how repulsive it is to pretend that the lionization of super-hero writers--at the expense of their artists--is anything more than an ugly black mark on a product that already comes bearing more than its share.

Conan: The Weight of the Crown # 1
By Darick Robertson
Published by Dark Horse Comics

There's some pretty fantastic pages of Conan destroying people with a sword in this little one-shot, and some of the even-better-in-black-and-white original art shows up in the back as well. If you read comics correctly--throwing away all of the year's previous issues as soon as Dick Clark stroke farts out a God Bless Us--than your life probably has an absence of Conan being predictably Conan in some valley setting where one man really can save-then-ruin everything. But if you've been dusting some cardboard storage items full of bloodletting for any length of time, you can just ignore this one for failing to explicitly detail the whole "lamentations of their women" part of Conanological Studies.

Adventure Comics # 6

While its written by he-that-shalt-bring-gore, this comic wallows in a completely different type of gutless murk, that being faux sentimentality. If the Promise Keepers were going to write comics, they'd read like this. All its missing is a part where Superboy explains that gay people are just "confused."

Absolution # 6
Written by Christos Gage
Art by Roberto Viacava & DIGIKORE
Published by Avatar

Ever have trouble sleeping, so you just lay there making up a fantasy where you've won $200 million in the lottery, but instead of focusing on all the drugs and prostitutes, you start fantasizing about what sort of house you would pay an architect to come up with, and that makes you wonder if maybe you'll have to rent a nicer apartment while you wait for the house to be built, but then you start thinking about whether or not you want to move all your shit twice, and then before you know it all you're doing is thinking about which pair of scissors you might take with you because fuck it if you're going to repack multiple pairs of scissors a second time instead of thinking, rightly, about all the coke-filled harems that those millions could provide? That's pretty much what happened with Absolution. Christos Gage had the audacity, the courage, a veritable shingles of seeping creativity, to ask the question: What it would be like if the Punisher was blessed with hard-to-draw-attractively super-powers? But then he just couldn't stop himself from focusing his attention on what kinds of conversations that the Punisher would have when he felt sorry for himself.

Die Hard Year One # 4
Written by Howard Chaykin
Art by Stephen Thompson & Matthew Wilson
Published by Boom

Turns out this little paycheck doesn't have an ending planned to go along with its lack of original ideas. It's just going to be lots and lots of John McClane being thrown into alt-Hard scenarios, the first of which was "What happens when porno star terrorists attack booze cruises in homemade submersibles", and the answer turned out to be "Speed 2 on a smaller boat, no leeches, much faster route to same resolution." Also: big hair. Also: this is an ongoing? Also: more bad guys should look like this bad guy.

 "Fellow Earth Rapists" does actually sound like a great phrase to open a Lion's Club meeting. "Fellow Earth Rapists, we now fight blindness with little canes."

Action Comics # 885
Written by Greg Rucka & Eric Trautmann
Art by Pere Perez & Javier Mena
Published by DC Comics

The best part of horrible DC comics is knowing that, eventually, every single one of the irritating non-characters that populate its pages will be depicted being raped or eviscerated, probably in an issue of Justice League. The worst part of horrible DC comics is realizing that you're actively excited about seeing the rape and/or evisceration of cartoon characters, because really, you're looking forward to reading something where the Guardian cries in an alley and Superman keeps saying "if I'd only been paying more attention" and Batman says "it's okay, everybody makes mistakes" and Lois Lane's tears keep getting on her keyboard so she starts snapping at Jimmy and eventually says "no, no i'm not mad at you i just...oh god, oh god, no, why, i don't understand this life anymore, everything's getting smaller, everything's getting meaner" and then there's this big pan out to the entire planet, with Hal Jordan saying "they were the candle that lights the world" and Kyle Rayner's hand brushes his and then they just hold each other weeping until the sun rises over one of those fancy planets only they can go to. This is the comic equivalent of washing your hands until the skin cracks wide open to reveal the maggots inside.

Catwoman # 83

If somebody cuts out your brother-in-laws eyes and makes your sister watch, and then that same somebody force feeds your sister the eyes, and then they kill your brother-in-law, and your sister ends up insane in an asylum somewhere--you'd probably want to kill the person who did that. It seems highly unlikely that you'd feel guilty about it, but maybe that's the part of Catwoman where you're supposed to suspend disbelief. (When you watch a play, "suspend disbelief" usually means accepting that the poorly put together plyboard castle is an accurate representation of where Hamlet lives. In super-hero comics, "suspend disbelief" is the term used when somebody is offended that somebody else called Catwoman stupid.)

Invincible Iron Man # 22
Written by Matt Fraction
Art by Salvador Larroca
Published by Marvel Comics

Here comes Mustachio! Veering as close to Patrick Duffy in the shower as anything has in years, this issue of Iron Man unleashes a ceremonious spunk in the direction of its recently concluded 300 issue "World's Most Wanted" story arc, which was a gigantic time bridge based off a blueprint called "this character makes really good plans that always work out because of his near super-human planning skills", namely by saying that, nah, all that shit about how restart buttons on magic shields that one hits with magic hammers with the magic strength of friendship didn't pan out, so fuck it, maybe uncut rawdog magic will, because yeah, magic, that's the hammer that never misses the nail.

Punishermax # 3

Steve Dillon can draw the hell out of 97 year old tits, that's for sure. oh shit that's weird to say isn't it

-Tucker Stone, 2010

Television of the Weak: God Asked For Block Ice

This week it's Dollhouse & The Bad Girls Club.

Dollhouse: "Getting Closer" by Matthew J. Brady 

With the cancellation of the series, but the opportunity to finish out the season, it looks like the Dollhouse staff has decided to cram every remaining plot point in their series outline into the remaining episodes, which means the last several installments have moved at a ridiculously accelerated pace, seeing plots that could have taken weeks to play out normally get rushed through in an hour or less. It's been both exhilarating and disorienting, featuring a quick succession of neat ideas (a hive mind of soldier-dolls, a global network consisting of human brains wired together, mental projection into a shared consciousness, Agent Helo's brain being rebuilt by turning him into a doll imprinted with his own mind, and so on) along with some abrupt character turns and the rapid advancement of plots (Olivia Williams is evil; no, she was just faking! Topher invents remote imprinting overnight!). But it certainly hasn't been boring, and as the endgame is coming into focus, it looks like we'll see more of the same, with huge developments suddenly occurring in order to hammer everything into the story's final shape, which may or may not match that of last season's infamous unaired flash-forward season finale.

So, here, we've got our heroes kidnapping Bennet, Summer Glau's quirky genius character, an operation which seems like a big deal, but happens over the course of a few minutes of screen time. They need her to reconstruct Caroline's imprint (that is, Echo's body's original personality), because Caroline is the only person who has ever seen the big boss bad guy. We learn about this over the course of some flashbacks to Caroline's pre-doll past, focusing on her relationship with Bennet, and also demonstrating that she wasn't just a student activist, but a self-described "terrorist" trying to take down the evil company (yet another rushed revelation!). In the present, lots of other shit goes down, like Amy Acker returning just in time to fuck things up some more, a shootout in Olivia Williams' office, Topher and Bennet making out (which is surprisingly cute), the Dollhouse being invaded by corporate soldiers, and the revelation of that big bad guy, in one of those hilariously ridiculous developments that I would normally decry as idiotic, but at this late point, I can only laugh and say "why not?"

Only two episodes to go, and I have no idea where they're going, but the preview for next week looks pretty entertaining, with the character revealed to be evil hamming it up with some moustache-twirling antics. Just when the show is about to end, it gets stupid again, but I'm still riding the car off the cliff, laughing all the way. Maybe I'll even get lucky and Alan Tudyk will make one last appearance; that'll be the same scene, but I'll be chugging a bottle of Jack Daniels on the way down.

The Bad Girls Club: "Paul & Kate Plus Hate" by Tucker Stone

The "Paul" mentioned in the title is Kate's boyfriend, who has flown in for a visit. Paul is a muscular 25 year old who has recently served two tours in Iraq with the Air Force. He's a quiet man. Before Kate picks him up at the airport, she describes him to the other girls as having "the biggest dick", but sadly mentions that he is an "early bird", which is a slang term that women use to describe men who ejaculate very quickly during intercourse. None of the girls seem very excited to meet Paul, with Flo going so far as to behave as if she is angry that Kate even has a boyfriend, and Natalie happily explaining how stupid Kate is for bringing her boyfriend over, as Natalie is "a magnet for people's boyfriends."

Paul's arrival at the house consists of some brief meet and greets with all of the roommates, except for Natalie, who is on the phone and sneers at Kate & Paul when they wave to her in the phone room. Paul & Kate go and sit in the backyard, and the rest of the house sit around inside and talk about them. Kendra refers to Paul as "Kate's dog food", saying that all of the other girls are "dogs, and we all want our own dog food." Natalie makes fun of Kate for not having sex with Paul immediately upon his arrival, which is what she says she would have done. (While there isn't any direct evidence, it seems likely that Paul's lack of sex drive may be tied up in his uncomfortable relationship with the camera. Much like Portia, Paul often ducks his head or turns around when the camera is focused near him, and except for a clearly staged portion of the episode where he brushes his teeth shirtless, he's barely ever shown on screen by himself. Natalie often stares directly at the camera, and she's very good at maintaining an open profile whenever she's interacting with the other girls--it's not surprising that she would interpret Paul's shyness for more than it's worth.)

The entire cast heads out for a night at the club. Paul and Kate spend most of their time with one another, while the rest of the girls seek out men of their own. Kendra has the best luck, although Annie seems to get very comfortable with a man who looks to be roughly 45 years old. Flo, who comes on to a guy a bit hard--asking his sign, telling him that "Gemini's are good in bed" after he responds--is upset when the guy doesn't respond in kind. While it seems like a nothing moment, this minor, clearly exaggerated rejection serves as the motivating force for Flo's behavior the rest of the episode.

 

Sex In The House: Two Ways Of Gitting 'R Done

Paul & Kate hop into bed, and per Bad Girls Club rules, they go under the covers for a little bit of lovemaking. Except...Paul starts to fall asleep, and then he playfully slaps Kate a few times. (Slap isn't even the right term. He pats her face with his hand.) Kate keeps squealing at him, as she can tell that Paul is trying to worm his way out of any sexual obligation. Eventually Paul throws the sheets off of his face, and Kate pulls her vibrator out from under the pillow and waves it at him. He smiles, rolls over, goes to sleep. The producers play the sound of a vibrator over footage.

Kendra has better luck. The gentleman she met and danced with at the club has arrived, and after making out and pawing at each other for a while, they grab the comforter and head into the confessional room. (The confessional room has a stationary camera in the ceiling, making it more private than Kate & Paul's situation, which was a fully lit bedroom with at least three other people in the room.) Prior to Kendra heading off, she explains that the gentleman has offered to go down on her multiple times, while she is not expected to reciprocate. Kendra is amenable to this arrangement, so after a long day and an even longer night, Kendra gets her groove on. The next morning, Kendra ejects the gentleman from the residence with this explanation:

"Even though i got a little service, little something-something, it wasn't the tune-up I needed. Know what I'm saying? He's not getting a phone call from me."

During breakfast, Natalie attempts to make small talk with Kate & Paul, and her attempt to do so is met with confusion and surprise. Outside, Paul explains his reaction to Kate: "I hadn't heard this in years. She asked me 'Do you play any sports?' What are you talking about? Like, four years ago! In college! I'm 25 years old." (It's questionable whether Natalie's questions had any deeper meaning to them beyond serving as more evidence that Natalie just isn't used to talking to people in a normal fashion. Her attempt to make small talk came across as just that--a lame shot at being nice--but considering the contentious nature of Natalie's relationship with the other girls, it's possible that this is a too-little, too-late situation.)

Later in the day, Kate and Paul take a bubble bath together. Their conversation implies that they are going to have sex, and then the producers cut to a shoot of Annie overhearing loud moaning in the next room. (The moaning could also be read as a joke.) Annie, offended at the behavior, attempts to explain to the other girls that she believes two people should have sex in private when no one else is around. All of the girls make fun of her immediately.

As the girls prepare for their next night out, Annie is excited by the prospect of a hip-hop free evening, and Flo is angry (in advance) about her lack of success finding men. She yells at Natalie and Kendra about how guys come up to her all the time in New York. In a confessional, Kendra admits she would rather get laid than talk to Natalie and Flo about the two of them not getting laid. Later that evening at the Viper Room, the girls sing onstage with some sort of mohawked cover band. The lead singers main chorus is "My name is Dick. Cum Feellllll my Thunnnnnder!" He repeats this many times. Lexie eventually gets onstage and starts screaming into the microphone, but even with the closed captioning on and instant replay, it's impossible to decipher what she said. Whatever it was, all of the girls are embarrassed by Lexie, and they immediately leave the Viper Room for a different club, one where they play hip-hop. (Annie's reaction to this is not televised.) On the drive over, a drunken Kate yells at Lexie and calls her the "eighth bitch." From this point until the climax of the episode, Paul will not speak. He does laugh a bit when Kate tells him he will be marrying her because "of all the shit I've had to go through".

Marcus, the bit television actor who messed around with Kendra in the early episodes of this season, happens to show up at the club. When Kendra tries to flirt with him, he tells her that she is "faded." He says this a few times, and while Kendra tries to get more of a discussion going, Marcus eventually walks away, saying that he came to the club to dance and have a good time.

And this, as they say, is how it begins.

Kendra is drunk. Kendra and Lexie are dancing together and being gross and silly. Kendra's dress starts to ride up a bit--easy enough, it's very short. Lexie keeps pulling it down, and the two girls purposely do this in a sexual fashion. Natalie is on some type of riser, rubbing her crotch on an endless stream of men. Amber is nowhere to be seen. Paul and Kate are drunkenly groping each other. Annie's face occasionally appears, although it's never very clear where she is. Flo. Flo keeps getting turned down, she can't find a dance partner, nothing is working out for her, and everything is working out for Kendra. So Flo snaps, and she starts yelling at Kendra for behaving like a whore, telling Kendra that she is humiliating herself and that everybody in the club is staring at her. Over and over, screaming and screeching, grabbing whatever cast member she can, complaining, bitching, yelling. Kendra reaches her own breaking point, snarling that she doesn't have any kids, she doesn't have a boyfriend, and she can do whatever she wants. This makes Flo even more angry. The girls leave, and as they ride back to the house, Flo continues to scream at Kendra, screaming and yelling so loud that her voice gets hoarse and jagged. Out of pretty much nowhere--or at least, unfilmed nowhere--Kate turns to Natalie and screams "Nobody likes you, shut up BITCH!"

One fight becomes two. Thanks to Paul, who holds a few of the girls apart, no punches reach their targets.

When the girls arrive at the house, this is the conversation between Flo and Lexie. (Note: this is the exact conversation.)

Flo: I look like a loser right now and I don't do this, I'm a winner. Where I come from everybody loves me.

Lexie: You so fucking look hot! That's all that matters.

Flo: I'm gonna punch somebody in the face, I don't give a fuck no more.

Lexie: No No NO Florrrr! Woosum. Woosum. Buddleduddle Dup!

(Lexies final remarks are some kind of mantra, one that seems to come from Dan Hedaya's performance in Bad Boys or Bad Boys II.)

Outside, Natalie is trying to talk to Kendra about Kate's outburst, and Kendra is trying to talk to Natalie about Flo's outburst. Natalie begins referring to herself in third person, saying "She's all mad because Paul wants to fuck Natalie." Kate, who is leaning over the banister at the top of the stairs--the front door is open--hears Natalie say her boyfriend's name. She runs downstairs and starts yelling at Natalie, who reacts by saying "oh yeah? yeah? oh yeah?" Kate is nearing the point where she is going to punch her, but Lexie shows up and does the "woosum" thing again while leading Kate back inside. Flo almost runs into Lexie and Kate on her way out the front door, and then she starts calling Kendra a whore again. Kendra gets up in Flo's face and says "You're 26 in the Bad Girls Club, figure it out." Flo blows smoke into Kendra's face, Kendra slaps her, and Flo shoves her pretty hard. Physical violence, sure, so everything goes insane for a bit, but Lexie--doing triple duty tonight, despite being very drunk--jumps in the middle and breaks it up. Kendra disappears for a while.

 

Natalie, seeing a window of opportunity, starts frantically trying to enlist Flo in her own fight with Kate. Flo is too drunk and angry to pay attention. Kate chooses this moment to throw Natalie's gigantic make-up case out of the window onto the driveway where all of this fighting has been going on.

The show now cuts back a few minutes, where Paul is packing up his suitcase to leave. This is the first point where it becomes clear how late in the evening--or early in the morning, as it were--that it actually is. Kate and Paul are talking shit about Natalie, and Paul eventually praises Kate for throwing Natalie's stuff out of the window. He tells her that this is "gangsta", but he seems pretty unsettled by everything. It's worth mentioning that Paul seems to be sober.

(Oh, and Annie decided to walk out of the house and into the backyard, and she is now sleeping on the lawn furniture.)

We return to the front driveway, where Natalie is confusingly seeking confirmation on who threw her make-up case. For some reason, she refuses to make the obvious connection--there are only three potential throwers, and one of those throwers has been trying to fight with Natalie all night. Eventually, Flo confirms that Kate threw the make-up case, and after she lets Natalie know, Natalie heads upstairs for the big confrontation. The confrontation consists of Natalie threatening to throw various objects at Kate while Kate lies in bed laughing at her, and eventually she just decides to spit directly into Kate's face and throw a shoe at the nightstand. Kate freaks out, Amber calms her down, and a couple of cameramen grab Natalie and carry her out of the room.

 

Cut to Flo, talking shit about the roommates, promising the viewers that "if you want action, you gonna see action, fuck these bitches."

Cut to Annie, sleeping in the backyard.

Cut to Kate, washing her face.

Cut to Paul, standing at the edge of the driveway with his suitcase.

Cut to Natalie, telling Paul that Kate was talking shit about him the whole time.

Cut.

-Matthew J. Brady, Tucker Stone, 2010

"The" Online Comics Criticism Of 2009

Tucker here. Ng Suat Tong asked me to participate in a round-up style judging panel selecting the best of online comics criticism, and the results are now available. The other judges were Noah Berlatsky, Frank Santoro, Mattias Wivel, and Suat Tong himself. (There were a few more, including a woman, but time and life got in the way.) Each person nominated their top ten favorite pieces, all of them were thrown into a bigger list, and then each judge picked ten all over again. Those votes got added together, there were a couple of emails back and forth, a couple of votes were changed, and this is the list we ended up with. I have a tendency to assume a lot of things about the online audience for comics related stuff, so let me be clear about something: there's going to be writing out there that was as good as these articles, reactions & critical takes, work that this small panel of people will have missed. There's no way to be all-inclusive in a short judging process, even when you're dealing with something like comics, which has a pretty small amount of writing surrounding it in the first place. These were some of what a few people who don't agree on a lot of things thought were pretty fantastic, and while the lack of inclusion hurts the overall, it shouldn't hurt these writers.

The Top Vote-Getters

1. Robert Alter on Robert Crumb's Book of Genesis (Scripture Picture)

2. Joe McCulloch on J.H. Williams III (A Review of Batwoman in Detective Comics Focusing Mostly On The Art)

3. Tom Spurgeon on Return Reading

4. Eddie Campbell on Will Eisner's PS: The Preventive Maintenance Monthly

5. Tom Crippen on the Age of Geeks

6. Dirk Deppey on Paul Levitz (The Man Who Couldn't Shoot Straight)

7. Andrew Rilestone on Watchmen (Who Sent the Sentinels)

What follows are the pieces I voted for in the final round--as you can see, there's some crossover. There's no order of preference to this list. The asterisks denote an article that was in one of my original nominations.

Some Other Nominees

1. Eddie Campbell on Exit Wounds

I liked this article a lot, and I stubbornly stuck to voting for it even when it became clear that everybody else had jumped ship for the PS Magazine piece. I don't cotton much to the idea that the best of arts criticism is produced by artists themselves, god knows that artists can be as poorly read as the never-does-nothing blogger, but Eddie Campbell's writing about comics has always struck me as one of the best things about the internet. I don't know if the guy would have been willing to take the necessary steps to get his occasional reviews or reaction pieces into print, so it's nice to see that he's utilized the ease-of-blog-publishing to put them out there.

2. Marc Singer on Final Crisis*

Marc's article on Final Crisis, along with his extended explanations in various comment sections at the Mindless Ones, took a frank, intelligent look at one of the most popular comic blog topics of the last year. Final Crisis blogposts tended to be associated as blanket condemnations or Church of Morrison paeans by people who didn't read them (or just didn't understand what the individual was writing), but considering the sheer amount of them, it's not hard to grasp why people eventually grew exhausted of reading about the comic. Singer was able to talk about the comic (negatively) without devolving into reactionary fight-posting, and his post was a high-water mark for super-hero related criticism. It doesn't change the fact that one probably wouldn't get much out of his post without foreknowledge of the series under discussion, and it doesn't negate the fact that a DC event comic got more attention than it deserved, but it did make the reading experience of Final Crisis better than it would have been on its own. There's a lot of merit to be found in that.

3. Derik Badman on Rubber Blanket*

I always felt bad that Derik Badman participated in a blog cross-over that I was involved with, because I can't imagine a universe where Derik Badman would be happy that he wrote something as intelligent as this only to find out that he was going to have it linked here. But he's not on here out of sympathy, he's on here for the same reason that the Eddie Campbell piece is--because after I read this article, I went into the moving boxes until I found Rubber Blanket, read it, and then read Badman's piece again. Badman's a unique writer, one whose taste can go in a wholly different direction than my own, and for what it's worth, that's why I find his writing about comics so valuable. Disagree or not, he brings an informed perspective tangled up in what seems to me to be a group of specific hopes and ideals. Anything he has to say is worth paying attention to.

4. Joe McCullouch on Detective Comics*

Joe was going to be a part of the judging process, but I think the rest of us all emailed Ng Suat Tong and said that either Joe had to go, or we had to be allowed to nominate a fellow judge. I originally nominated his articles on Winter Men, King Smurf, and this one. I don't think there's any question who would've won best overall person who does this online work. Some people's eyes roll regarding Joe's word count--you know who you are, guy who doesn't read blogs--but those people's lack of attention denotes their own failings. The reason why Joe's lack of limitation pays off can be found in King Smurf, his two part series on Manga, and, of course, in his Savage Critics post on J.H. Williams III. A lot of nice things are said about the guy regarding his criticism, but even if you take that out of the equation entirely, you're left with his skill as a researcher, the range of his historical knowledge. Beyond what happens with Batwoman and Greg Rucka, the Savage Critics post details a close reading of an artist's career in an artform where the historians often double as fannish hagiographers.

5. Abhay Khosla on Scott Pilgrim*

If there's somebody out there trying to plumb motivation, they might think that Abhay's article about Scott Pilgrim is on here because it's one where Abhay tilts serious more than he tilts funny. They'd be right. The tendency with Abhay is to either love him completely, or to mention him with a disclaimer--"I think he's great sometimes, other times I hope he dies". Picking one of his more "serious" pieces was done in hopes that it would circumvent that reaction, although I'm not assigning any of those feelings to the other judges. I'm an Abhay fanboy, I make no apologies for that. This Young Neil focused review was one of those articles that all of the comics internet seems to clamor for--a pointed look at a popular piece of entertainment, one that asks whether the entertainment has a deeper, tangible subject underneath--and it was as whip-cracked sharp as any of Khosla's writing ever is.

6. Robet Alter on Genesis*

I was surprised to see how popular this article was with everybody else, I'll admit that I felt like it was written just for me--a nerdy guy obsessed with religion who couldn't stand reading the Book of Genesis and felt lost as to why, beyond "it's boring". Alter's piece was unique amongst Genesis readings, coming from an unexpected location--Alter's the man responsible for the Biblical translation that Crumb used for his work--and yet it burrowed deep into Crumb's undeniable skill as much as it nailed where Genesis failed. Suat Tong described it as "very close to being the definitive article on Crumb's Genesis adaptation", and I couldn't agree more.

7. Dirk Deppey on Paul Levitz

Dirk's piece exemplifies a specific aspect of the Internet's delivery of criticism: temporality. While the hours following the Levitz resignation certainly included a bit of "finally!" cheerleading in various comments sections at the more news-focused internet sites, it was when Deppey's Journalista entry arrived with "This is a good thing, full stop" that an actual discussion started. Anything--hell, everything--on the internet is immediately met with vitriol and complaint (see the comments section for Dan Nadel's common sense request for art credits at Mocca's Archie show for a recent installment). But Deppey's brief piece on Levitz--one that focused on facts over nostalgia and friendliness--wasn't just a giggling Fuck This Guy. It gave the discussion substance, it gave it perspective, and it directly charged that Levitz--for all his accomplishments--had been in charge of a business he was no longer qualified to handle. If comics were a big enough industry for it to have its own trade magazines, it's hard to believe that essays weeping over his retirement would've filled their pages. It was Deppey's argument that best explained why.

8. Tom Spurgeon on Re-Reading

Spurgeon would've made a great judge, but he makes for a better candidate. This article, which could be mistakingly taken for one of those "Various" links that Spurgeon posts whenever somebody talks about a bunch of randomly selected comics, is one of the best pieces he put up last year, and one that's definitively about one of the most interesting subjects comics can discuss: the construction of the personal canon, and the "why" behind the chunks of comics that form that canon's foundation. While he glances alongside the subject, the question that it inspires--Which comics do you find yourself returning to most fervently, be it for personal or intellectual hungers--is one that, when answered honestly, is always fascinating.

9. Andrew Rilestone on Watchmen*

The first few times I'd heard about this piece, I made it about two pages in before deciding it wasn't for me. But after Mattias Wivel's last minute push, I went back and plowed through all sixty pages. The introduction still isn't my thing, but behind those initial pages, Rilestone distills a massive amount of analysis, one that details not just why the Watchmen movie sucked--which it fucking did, holy shit--but why Watchmen remains worth talking about still, even after it's become the worst recommendation for first comic ever. Besides that, Rilestone's usage of the internet to make what is, in effect, a free sixty-page book, deliberately stylized in a form that profit-hungry publishers would never take to, points to a direction for future on-the-side hobby writers. Leigh Walton's dream of a comics-focused 33 1/3 series will probably never be realized in full Barnes & Noble fashion, but maybe, just maybe, the internet could provide a suitable .pdf focused alternative.

10. Amy Poodle on Blackest Night*

There was another article on the Mindless Ones that was in my original pool o' nominees, Zom's piece on Daredevil Born Again, but it was Amy Poodle's "I've seen Superman having sex and it wasn't very nice" article that best handled a subject that's been batted around for years now: grits, glitz & guns. Part of the problem with criticizing DC's comics for their ultraviolence is that the attitude is often brushed past as being a part of some prude's response, that the criticism stems from people who just can't get into grime and ugliness, and those complainers should stick to kiddie's books and Morrisonian time festivals if they're so irritated when a character named Red Arrow gets his arm ripped off. Amy's torrent of weirdly capitalized complaints shouldn't be mistaken for a rant, though. Like a lot of negative, bile-filled criticism, Poodle's incredulous response isn't about a fan being mad, it isn't a red-faced typing fiesta of catharsis, what he's trying to nail is this: we love violence, we love suffering, and we love action, and we want to like you. We want to like you so much. And if you aren't going to meet us halfway, that's fine, life will go on. But why do you have to sit there masturbating into a diaper?

Endless Amounts of Equivocation

These aren't the original ten nominations I sent in, but it's pretty close. One of the judges nominated my wife's Power Girl review, another judge voted for it as well, which I thought was really nice. I asked her if she wanted me to vote for it myself, because I thought that was a pretty severe conflict of interest. She laughed pretty hard and then said "What? Of course not!" It bugged me that there weren't any women in my final top ten--there were a few female candidates on the list of nominations--but I wanted to hew as close to honesty as I could, and when I found myself staring at a list of ten dudes, trying to figure out which one I should cut just so that I could get a woman on there, I gave up. I know that I think women can write as well as men about comics, and that they can be just as interesting. If anybody honestly believes I think otherwise, I'm not going to prove them wrong by spitting out some names. Sometimes you have to be your own barometer. I hope it's obvious why each of these were picked.

-Tucker Stone, 2010