Television of the Weak: God Asked For Block Ice

This week it's Dollhouse & The Bad Girls Club.

Dollhouse: "Getting Closer" by Matthew J. Brady

With the cancellation of the series, but the opportunity to finish out the season, it looks like the Dollhouse staff has decided to cram every remaining plot point in their series outline into the remaining episodes, which means the last several installments have moved at a ridiculously accelerated pace, seeing plots that could have taken weeks to play out normally get rushed through in an hour or less. It's been both exhilarating and disorienting, featuring a quick succession of neat ideas (a hive mind of soldier-dolls, a global network consisting of human brains wired together, mental projection into a shared consciousness, Agent Helo's brain being rebuilt by turning him into a doll imprinted with his own mind, and so on) along with some abrupt character turns and the rapid advancement of plots (Olivia Williams is evil; no, she was just faking! Topher invents remote imprinting overnight!). But it certainly hasn't been boring, and as the endgame is coming into focus, it looks like we'll see more of the same, with huge developments suddenly occurring in order to hammer everything into the story's final shape, which may or may not match that of last season's infamous unaired flash-forward season finale.

So, here, we've got our heroes kidnapping Bennet, Summer Glau's quirky genius character, an operation which seems like a big deal, but happens over the course of a few minutes of screen time. They need her to reconstruct Caroline's imprint (that is, Echo's body's original personality), because Caroline is the only person who has ever seen the big boss bad guy. We learn about this over the course of some flashbacks to Caroline's pre-doll past, focusing on her relationship with Bennet, and also demonstrating that she wasn't just a student activist, but a self-described "terrorist" trying to take down the evil company (yet another rushed revelation!). In the present, lots of other shit goes down, like Amy Acker returning just in time to fuck things up some more, a shootout in Olivia Williams' office, Topher and Bennet making out (which is surprisingly cute), the Dollhouse being invaded by corporate soldiers, and the revelation of that big bad guy, in one of those hilariously ridiculous developments that I would normally decry as idiotic, but at this late point, I can only laugh and say "why not?"

Only two episodes to go, and I have no idea where they're going, but the preview for next week looks pretty entertaining, with the character revealed to be evil hamming it up with some moustache-twirling antics. Just when the show is about to end, it gets stupid again, but I'm still riding the car off the cliff, laughing all the way. Maybe I'll even get lucky and Alan Tudyk will make one last appearance; that'll be the same scene, but I'll be chugging a bottle of Jack Daniels on the way down.

The Bad Girls Club: "Paul & Kate Plus Hate" by Tucker Stone

The "Paul" mentioned in the title is Kate's boyfriend, who has flown in for a visit. Paul is a muscular 25 year old who has recently served two tours in Iraq with the Air Force. He's a quiet man. Before Kate picks him up at the airport, she describes him to the other girls as having "the biggest dick", but sadly mentions that he is an "early bird", which is a slang term that women use to describe men who ejaculate very quickly during intercourse. None of the girls seem very excited to meet Paul, with Flo going so far as to behave as if she is angry that Kate even has a boyfriend, and Natalie happily explaining how stupid Kate is for bringing her boyfriend over, as Natalie is "a magnet for people's boyfriends."

Paul's arrival at the house consists of some brief meet and greets with all of the roommates, except for Natalie, who is on the phone and sneers at Kate & Paul when they wave to her in the phone room. Paul & Kate go and sit in the backyard, and the rest of the house sit around inside and talk about them. Kendra refers to Paul as "Kate's dog food", saying that all of the other girls are "dogs, and we all want our own dog food." Natalie makes fun of Kate for not having sex with Paul immediately upon his arrival, which is what she says she would have done. (While there isn't any direct evidence, it seems likely that Paul's lack of sex drive may be tied up in his uncomfortable relationship with the camera. Much like Portia, Paul often ducks his head or turns around when the camera is focused near him, and except for a clearly staged portion of the episode where he brushes his teeth shirtless, he's barely ever shown on screen by himself. Natalie often stares directly at the camera, and she's very good at maintaining an open profile whenever she's interacting with the other girls--it's not surprising that she would interpret Paul's shyness for more than it's worth.)

The entire cast heads out for a night at the club. Paul and Kate spend most of their time with one another, while the rest of the girls seek out men of their own. Kendra has the best luck, although Annie seems to get very comfortable with a man who looks to be roughly 45 years old. Flo, who comes on to a guy a bit hard--asking his sign, telling him that "Gemini's are good in bed" after he responds--is upset when the guy doesn't respond in kind. While it seems like a nothing moment, this minor, clearly exaggerated rejection serves as the motivating force for Flo's behavior the rest of the episode.

Sex In The House: Two Ways Of Gitting 'R Done

Paul & Kate hop into bed, and per Bad Girls Club rules, they go under the covers for a little bit of lovemaking. Except...Paul starts to fall asleep, and then he playfully slaps Kate a few times. (Slap isn't even the right term. He pats her face with his hand.) Kate keeps squealing at him, as she can tell that Paul is trying to worm his way out of any sexual obligation. Eventually Paul throws the sheets off of his face, and Kate pulls her vibrator out from under the pillow and waves it at him. He smiles, rolls over, goes to sleep. The producers play the sound of a vibrator over footage.

Kendra has better luck. The gentleman she met and danced with at the club has arrived, and after making out and pawing at each other for a while, they grab the comforter and head into the confessional room. (The confessional room has a stationary camera in the ceiling, making it more private than Kate & Paul's situation, which was a fully lit bedroom with at least three other people in the room.) Prior to Kendra heading off, she explains that the gentleman has offered to go down on her multiple times, while she is not expected to reciprocate. Kendra is amenable to this arrangement, so after a long day and an even longer night, Kendra gets her groove on. The next morning, Kendra ejects the gentleman from the residence with this explanation:

"Even though i got a little service, little something-something, it wasn't the tune-up I needed. Know what I'm saying? He's not getting a phone call from me."

During breakfast, Natalie attempts to make small talk with Kate & Paul, and her attempt to do so is met with confusion and surprise. Outside, Paul explains his reaction to Kate: "I hadn't heard this in years. She asked me 'Do you play any sports?' What are you talking about? Like, four years ago! In college! I'm 25 years old." (It's questionable whether Natalie's questions had any deeper meaning to them beyond serving as more evidence that Natalie just isn't used to talking to people in a normal fashion. Her attempt to make small talk came across as just that--a lame shot at being nice--but considering the contentious nature of Natalie's relationship with the other girls, it's possible that this is a too-little, too-late situation.)

Later in the day, Kate and Paul take a bubble bath together. Their conversation implies that they are going to have sex, and then the producers cut to a shoot of Annie overhearing loud moaning in the next room. (The moaning could also be read as a joke.) Annie, offended at the behavior, attempts to explain to the other girls that she believes two people should have sex in private when no one else is around. All of the girls make fun of her immediately.

As the girls prepare for their next night out, Annie is excited by the prospect of a hip-hop free evening, and Flo is angry (in advance) about her lack of success finding men. She yells at Natalie and Kendra about how guys come up to her all the time in New York. In a confessional, Kendra admits she would rather get laid than talk to Natalie and Flo about the two of them not getting laid. Later that evening at the Viper Room, the girls sing onstage with some sort of mohawked cover band. The lead singers main chorus is "My name is Dick. Cum Feellllll my Thunnnnnder!" He repeats this many times. Lexie eventually gets onstage and starts screaming into the microphone, but even with the closed captioning on and instant replay, it's impossible to decipher what she said. Whatever it was, all of the girls are embarrassed by Lexie, and they immediately leave the Viper Room for a different club, one where they play hip-hop. (Annie's reaction to this is not televised.) On the drive over, a drunken Kate yells at Lexie and calls her the "eighth bitch." From this point until the climax of the episode, Paul will not speak. He does laugh a bit when Kate tells him he will be marrying her because "of all the shit I've had to go through".

Marcus, the bit television actor who messed around with Kendra in the early episodes of this season, happens to show up at the club. When Kendra tries to flirt with him, he tells her that she is "faded." He says this a few times, and while Kendra tries to get more of a discussion going, Marcus eventually walks away, saying that he came to the club to dance and have a good time.

And this, as they say, is how it begins.

Kendra is drunk. Kendra and Lexie are dancing together and being gross and silly. Kendra's dress starts to ride up a bit--easy enough, it's very short. Lexie keeps pulling it down, and the two girls purposely do this in a sexual fashion. Natalie is on some type of riser, rubbing her crotch on an endless stream of men. Amber is nowhere to be seen. Paul and Kate are drunkenly groping each other. Annie's face occasionally appears, although it's never very clear where she is. Flo. Flo keeps getting turned down, she can't find a dance partner, nothing is working out for her, and everything is working out for Kendra. So Flo snaps, and she starts yelling at Kendra for behaving like a whore, telling Kendra that she is humiliating herself and that everybody in the club is staring at her. Over and over, screaming and screeching, grabbing whatever cast member she can, complaining, bitching, yelling. Kendra reaches her own breaking point, snarling that she doesn't have any kids, she doesn't have a boyfriend, and she can do whatever she wants. This makes Flo even more angry. The girls leave, and as they ride back to the house, Flo continues to scream at Kendra, screaming and yelling so loud that her voice gets hoarse and jagged. Out of pretty much nowhere--or at least, unfilmed nowhere--Kate turns to Natalie and screams "Nobody likes you, shut up BITCH!"

One fight becomes two. Thanks to Paul, who holds a few of the girls apart, no punches reach their targets.

When the girls arrive at the house, this is the conversation between Flo and Lexie. (Note: this is the exact conversation.)

Flo: I look like a loser right now and I don't do this, I'm a winner. Where I come from everybody loves me.

Lexie: You so fucking look hot! That's all that matters.

Flo: I'm gonna punch somebody in the face, I don't give a fuck no more.

Lexie: No No NO Florrrr! Woosum. Woosum. Buddleduddle Dup!

(Lexies final remarks are some kind of mantra, one that seems to come from Dan Hedaya's performance in Bad Boys or Bad Boys II.)

Outside, Natalie is trying to talk to Kendra about Kate's outburst, and Kendra is trying to talk to Natalie about Flo's outburst. Natalie begins referring to herself in third person, saying "She's all mad because Paul wants to fuck Natalie." Kate, who is leaning over the banister at the top of the stairs--the front door is open--hears Natalie say her boyfriend's name. She runs downstairs and starts yelling at Natalie, who reacts by saying "oh yeah? yeah? oh yeah?" Kate is nearing the point where she is going to punch her, but Lexie shows up and does the "woosum" thing again while leading Kate back inside. Flo almost runs into Lexie and Kate on her way out the front door, and then she starts calling Kendra a whore again. Kendra gets up in Flo's face and says "You're 26 in the Bad Girls Club, figure it out." Flo blows smoke into Kendra's face, Kendra slaps her, and Flo shoves her pretty hard. Physical violence, sure, so everything goes insane for a bit, but Lexie--doing triple duty tonight, despite being very drunk--jumps in the middle and breaks it up. Kendra disappears for a while.

Natalie, seeing a window of opportunity, starts frantically trying to enlist Flo in her own fight with Kate. Flo is too drunk and angry to pay attention. Kate chooses this moment to throw Natalie's gigantic make-up case out of the window onto the driveway where all of this fighting has been going on.

The show now cuts back a few minutes, where Paul is packing up his suitcase to leave. This is the first point where it becomes clear how late in the evening--or early in the morning, as it were--that it actually is. Kate and Paul are talking shit about Natalie, and Paul eventually praises Kate for throwing Natalie's stuff out of the window. He tells her that this is "gangsta", but he seems pretty unsettled by everything. It's worth mentioning that Paul seems to be sober.

(Oh, and Annie decided to walk out of the house and into the backyard, and she is now sleeping on the lawn furniture.)

We return to the front driveway, where Natalie is confusingly seeking confirmation on who threw her make-up case. For some reason, she refuses to make the obvious connection--there are only three potential throwers, and one of those throwers has been trying to fight with Natalie all night. Eventually, Flo confirms that Kate threw the make-up case, and after she lets Natalie know, Natalie heads upstairs for the big confrontation. The confrontation consists of Natalie threatening to throw various objects at Kate while Kate lies in bed laughing at her, and eventually she just decides to spit directly into Kate's face and throw a shoe at the nightstand. Kate freaks out, Amber calms her down, and a couple of cameramen grab Natalie and carry her out of the room.