Comics Of The Weak: You Coulda Had A Red Snapper

Naruto Volume 47
By Masashi Kishimoto
Published by Viz

Constructed the same way as a sandwich made of processed meat, Naruto 47 obsessively places layers on top of layers, with the variation in slice choice barely considered--after all, if one expects it to be eaten immediately, the simplest of locations will suffice. So a fight between flying toads in robes is interrupted by a Scooby gang of indecisive gimps, then interrupted to check on a tedious, volume length conversation about duality (possibility of love = possibility of hate, which leads us to doing mean shit = doing nice shit), then a toad turns into a statue, then a girl sacrifices her life (but not really) so that a boy will be motivated to break free from the actual pegs that actually pin him, and then there's pages of little rocks combining to form bigger rocks, all to prepare for the arrival of a Nine Tailed Demon Fox (who should probably just call himself a dragon, because he Looks Exactly Like One), and it's all a bit of "ah, this must be the protein." Everything else--even the girl sacrifice--isn't as substantial, even though the girl was happily, excitedly, not that attractive, and "not that attractive" seems kind of rare in these stories. Fuck her, says the scene. Just kidding, it says later.

The Rocks! Pebbles and fragments of stone, refuse and plant waste, petrified warriors, chunks of earth, minerals, all of them, combining into even larger rocks--and each of them drawn with such care! The attention paid to faces pales in comparison, but since everything in this story is at the highest emotional volume--"We Must HELP Him!" and "She Will DIE For Him" and "MUST" and "DIE" and "HATE" and "PAIN" and "WHERE" and "GO"--of course the rocks are drawn like this, varied and distinct, like the snowflake, oh that we might all be as unique as these rocks, but even then, we end up looking to our hero for safety and rescue. 

(The bad guy in this chapter is a sick ethnic type, kept active and alive by machines, in a cave, hiding from clueless warriors who stumble around the craggy mountains that surround his lair. His machines hold him up in a crucifixion pose, his head lolled over to the shoulder, his mumbled philosophy and religion of death spread by his suicidal, robust disciples, none of whom matter, none of whom had lives prior to him. He's in a cave! He's kept alive by machines! No one can find him! He spreads death to large populations through an army of pawns! That's either political or the best kind of dumb luck, and it's so much more interesting than it might sound. Even better, his philosophy is Naruto's, he's merely the grown up and tired version, the same psychopathic whiner that all optimists eventually become after years of failure. "Look at my shoes" isn't much of a battle cry, Poetry.)

Naruto is special because of something his father did when Naruto was a boy, but what makes him interesting isn't the particularities of his special-ness, but the fact that Naruto Is Special. Not the kind of special that comes from doing lots of hard work and trying one's best, although he's done all of that, and that seems to be the reason his gang of supporters love him so dearly, because he has tried, and he has succeeded, and yet: he was better than them anyway, because he was born better. He matters more than his friends, he matters more than his fans, he just matters be-fuck-cause. And sure, these formulas are the formulas, but Naruto--like Harry Potter or the Little Mermaid or Ricky Henderson--is getting ready to win. He can pick up the biggest rocks, he has the dragon with the most tails, but most of all, he was born under the luckiest star: he's Jesus, and you're not.

Deadpool Team-Up # 896
Written by Stuart Moore
Art by Shawn Crystal
Published by Marvel Comics

This comic is like most of the Deadpool comics, in that the general rules--try and be funny, make fun of the comic, be violent--are so defined that the actual issues bear almost no personal stamp on them whatsoever. It does mention the song Convoy. Now, if rumors are true, and the best ones always are, then a healthy chunk of the film Convoy was actually directed by Jimmy Coburn, due to the fact that Sam Peckinpah was blasted on cocaine and refused to come out of his hotel room and direct a trucking film based on a C.W. McCall song. Again: that's a film based on a novelty song about trucking. Now, there's a certain subset of people--we'll call them momics fans--who get really testy whenever creative types take too long to produce a product, or when a specific creative individual gets replaced by another specific creative individual, and this attitude of upset is paralleled by a certain type of creative person--we'll call those ones momics wryters--who like to pride themselves on how incredibly dense and valuable their creative product is following its production and distribution. "Look at what I've done", these momics wryters say. "Isn't it special!" they often cry. "How reliable and quickly you did it!" reply the momics fans. "If only others shared your care for us, and how we suffer!" they add.

And yes, of course, in a perfect world, it's a wonderful, wonderful day when the people who make the canned ham are certain that no tumor-covered rats have made it into the container, and Why Certainly, it's somewhat irritating to find out that the latest episode of staring-at-a-box-of-vacuum-cleaners isn't being directed by the pudgy 35 year old with the extensive Netflix based understanding of Bergman's The Silence, but is instead being handled by the pudgy 40 year old who keeps saying "what do ya mean, you've never seen True Believer", but in the race, the race that has winners, which means it must also have losers, the end result might just be another variation on a film, based on a novelty song, about driving a lot of trucks in a row. And maybe, sometimes, (we're just spitballing) you should stay inside that hotel room, with that cocaine, maybe get a prostitute? to go with the paranoia?, because really, which one is going to be the story that you'll want tangled in those filthy, filthy sheets?

The Great Ten # 4
Written by Tony Bedard
Art by Scott McDaniel
Published by DC Comics

The latest chapter in this oddball Go Go Commies series delves into the backstory of a character who goes by the name The Immortal Man In Darkness, and it reveals that The Immortal Man In Darkness is merely a name given to the latest sacrificial lamb willing to take on the honor of wearing a scuba costume and enclose himself in a magical alien plane that will eventually turn him into a septic mess of "alien afterbirth and liquified human remains". It's actually a pleasant little story, after one realizes that's the bar that has to be cleared. The guys who take this gig are soldiers, some of the best, and the best soldiers in a Communist military are probably about as close to "follow all orders, including this creepy one" thinking as you can get without switching over to straight fascism. They're also pilots, and pilots are historically the sort of individuals willing to kill their own children and hand-blend the remaining bone and gristle if it means the opportunity to fly the bestest plane that ever could be flown. So...this comic is believable? It seems like it could really happen.

Ultimate X # 1
Written by Jeph Loeb
Art by Arthur Adams
Published by Marvel Comics

Set in a time-warping drag racing now, this is the story of Wolverine's abandoned son, a skinny rail with a yellow explosion of spikes for hair. Discovering his powers (a variation on his fathers) in a flaming car wreck, the story doesn't miss any expectations: a girlfriend is disgusted, someone arrives to deliver exposition, a sunset is stared at (not watched) while a bit of doom-y future is foretold. It's all very much the same, with Arthur Adams relishing in his never-changing style, which is a sort of European twist on 90's X-Men splash pages. The women look like vacationers from a Jane Austen tuberculosis ward, the men are all played by Tom Skerritt's feelings, and the entire thing stinks of cowardice.

Siege # 2
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Oliver Copiel
Published by Marvel Comics

The marketing plans for the Siege mini-series shouldn't have any effect on the experience of reading the individual issues, but it does require a bit of effort to forget that "Seven Years In The Making" campaign when reading something that's so much like a particular guest star heavy version of the Bendis Avengers comics. Because...this is just a fight comic. It's not a horrible, evil fight comic, but now that the first issue's kill-a-stadium match has been struck, Siege is just a comic about the Dark Avengers fighting their way through an Asgard crossed over with Marvel's never-ending agitprop campaign called Why You Should Respect Steve Rogers Like He's A Real Person. If it's got a direct plot connection to storylines like Civil War or Secret Invasion beyond the "why don't some of the heroes like each other" and "how did Norman Osborn get in charge", than it isn't a very integral one. Like most fight comics, it moves too quickly when it shouldn't--Ares has reacted the same way to Osborn's deceit for the entirety of Dark Reign, until here, when he reacts differently--and then it slows too far down so that Steve Rogers can give motivational talks to the Secret Warriors and some random Avengers characters. It's all back and forth, and there's a big death scene that makes good on the promise of an Avenger dying (notably, it's the one character who was added to the Bendis line-up of toys back when Thor was basically unavailable, leaving a funny-talking strongman hole that Thor is now available to fill) but after that it just ends with the promise of another, bigger fight to come. And sure! Fight comics are, still, what this genre does well. But they aren't what Bendis does well, and they never have been. His thing was always the tease.

Spider-Man: Eyes Without A Face # 3
Written by David Hine
Art by Fabrice Sapolsky & Carmine di Giandomenico
Published by Marvel Comics

Rolling and tumbling around, the Noir version of Black Cat might just have been the most perfect creation of this silly imprint--luscious, sexy, mean and smart, she spent the entirety of the first Spider-Man Noir series tricking the gruesome story into a corner--who cares what you do, Peter Parker? What other place could matter but that bed? The sequel has had to turn things up a notch to get the muscles moving, which is always the case when a story ends with death and cannibalism. So we get a boatload of lobotomized black people, a multipage sequence where Peter's face is rearranged by a crazy bodybuilder, and then someone gets upset with the Black Cat and tunes her up a bit too far. And while it's all a part of the game--women rarely meet happy endings in noir stories anyway, especially the whores--it's a mistake and a misstep. Her name may not have been on the cover, but there's no question that she was the star.

The Boys # 39
Written by Garth Ennis
Art by John McCrea
Published by Dynamite Comics

While there's no continuation to the Alain Resnais jokes that populated last issue's origin story, there is a delightful bit of pointlessness to be found in the panel when Hughie and his super-girlfriend stop by a sex shop. There, the bored, obese clerk sits reading, and his choice of material--now shorthand for snobbery and ennui, while still being an easily digestible piece of fiction--seems to scream that yes, the two can go together, the smarts of Russia and the sensuals of a moist belly. It's blunt, but then again? That's been The Boys all along, and while McCrea's I Can Get It Done style lacks the impact that Darick's angry animal faces bring, this comic's failings have always been of directness. Super-hero comics aren't like God and real world crime, they're more similar to four year olds and cats, things that can't offer a real defense to cruelty, things that depend on earnestness and deception to get them home safely. It all just depends on how much you enjoy watching something get hurt.

-Tucker Stone, 2010

Comments

[Tim Hamilton]

I never did see "Convoy."
Now I want to.

Mr. Tim Hamilton

[LurkerWithout]

"Convoy" has a wicked sheriff chasing proud, noble truckers. I've never actually managed to watch more then the first and last twenty minutes of it. Still the climax involves a National Guard unit and a big rig. And thats pretty cool...

[Mario M.]

Every week you make me think about the comics I read in a different way.

[Chris Jones]

Naruto has never tickled my fancy. If you need hella charts and graphs just to explain what one character is doing in a fight you kind of suck at visual storytelling. Just fax me the script, for all I want to look at that crap.

[Lugh]

Thanks for making me laugh, making me think, taking on sacred cows and for being The Comics Journal of internet comics bloggers, Tucker. Somebody's gotta do it.

[Jacob]

Yeah Tucker, you complete us.

Or some other crappy line from Jerry Maguire.

[Matt Hollingsworth]

I'm gonna channel my inner Rahm Emanuel and say the guy reviewing Art Adams on this page is retarded.

[Zack Soto]

I thought the art in Ult X was pretty amazing. That said, the whole thing DID stink of fear.

[Jonathan Nolan]

Noir imprint... yeesh. Do they even know what Noir is? As opposed to ripping off eg Frank Miller, with better art?

Bendis... It's taken far too long but now at least the majority of that "split in half Internet" of his can see that the (Emperor) writer has no (clothes) cliff notes.

[Jacob]

Er...I wonder...does the permalink for this post show the original title?

[Chris Jones]

I think this is the first time an actual pro has been offended by something in the Factual.

This day shall be an anniversary!

[Tucker Stone]

Tim: it's not that good.
Mario/Lugh: Thanks? Yes. Thanks!
Jacob: Yes, original title.
Matt: Nice work on P-Max.
Zack: Yes.
Jonathan: Nah, some of the Noir stuff was nice. Odd comics.
Chris: Had to happen eventually.

[Mithel]

Your review of The Boys #39 is 39 times better than The Boys #39.

[AComment]

Mr T you have dispelled the clouds that hid my judgement in darkness

A retarded childrens comianga is not good literature? Non sequiteur

[Nathan]

Has the BS fight between the Uchiha brothers been shat out in the US yet? if so, ha.

and oh god does it continue to get worse. just wait till Sasuke vs Danzo

god what the fuck happened to this manga?, used to be good.

also Great Ten review is the best ever.