Television of the Weak: Another Gentleman With Poor Phone Etiquette

This week, we're playing catch-up with some help from David Brothers. Survivor, Celebrity Apprentice, Archer, How To Make It In America & Lost, coming at-cha.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains – “Tonight We Make Our Move” and “Knights of the Round Table” by Martin Brown

Maybe it’s just that the adrenaline is wearing off, but I’m getting a little bit worried. The first five episodes of Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains have been somewhere between pretty damn good and staggeringly great, but I’m starting to feel like maybe the season is front-loaded. The good stuff first:

“Tonight, We Make Our Move” starts out with Coach having a little wah-wah about someone calling him lazy. He goes off with Tyson—his buddy from his initial season—breaks into tears, and threatens to leave the game. In his voice over, he says, “I’m human. I’m sensitive. I’m probably more sensitive than most people. I just hide it behind a lot of things I’ve accomplished, and a lot of machismo.” Now, here’s what’s awesome about Coach: Not only has the dude “accomplished” “a lot” (you know, like, getting kidnapped by headhunters, and flying helicopters and whatnot); not only is he “the only person out here that won’t compromise;” not only is he, as he tells us as he’s pulling out of his cry-cry, “different than most people, one of a kind, Last of the Mohicans, King Arthur, legend;” but, in addition to all of those things, he is BETTER at being SENSITIVE than everybody else.

Another thing about Coach: he is totally earnest in his Confucius-and-Dr. Martin Luther King-quoting ridiculousness. His belief in himself is not a put-on for the cameras (especially, when you compare him to someone like Russell, who uses every opportunity to talk about how great he is, probably because he is so fucking short.) This is evidenced by his exchange with Boston Rob, who tries to cheer him up:

Rob: What was that all about, man?

Coach: It’s just… I feel like I’m on the outside. I want to bond with you, but I feel like…

Rob (deep inhale): I’m going to tell you something right now. You’re not on the outside. Okay?

(Coach makes holding back tears face. Piano underscore begins.)

Rob: We’re good. Lookit: We’re gonna be okay. For real, man. Come here. [Bro hug] I know you’re hurtin’. It’s all right.

Coach: I mean, like, I wanna, like, sharpen each other out here. I wanna, like, do stuff together.

See? He couldn’t just leave it at the bro hug. He had to talk about sharpening himself on Rob. But then—but then you guys—he says stuff like, “Why doesn’t anybody ever say anything good about me? Am I that bad of a person, man?” And he has a point. Everybody thinks of Coach as a joke, and he’s on the Villains’ tribe, but, aside from sincerely thinking of himself as a hero, he’s not really a bad guy—just awkwardly confident. Awkwardly confident with a pony tail. And sometimes a feather earring. I have to admit, I am totally rooting for this guy.

Then, all kinds of game-driven things happen. The tribes compete in a reward challenge, which involves each player literally rubbing themselves down with oil and going down a slip-n-slide. The Heroes lose. The tribes compete in an immunity challenge which, like nearly every other immunity challenge this season, has a physical first half followed by a puzzle to solve in the second half. Again, the Heroes lose (though it’s a much closer fight than any of their other immunity losses, probably because Tom is leading them.) In between, each tribe finds a clue to a hidden immunity idol. The Heroes immediately break apart and begin individually looking for the idol. Meanwhile, the Villains, as a team, decide not to look for the idol. It’s a role-reversal that pretty well indicates the differences between the two tribes.

Tom, who’s in danger of being voted out of the Heroes’ tribe, finds the immunity idol, and what follows is twenty minutes of the best strategic play Survivor has ever seen. No less than four tribe members are candidates for elimination, and the culminating vote is one that could only been the result of seasoned players at the top of their game—in other words, something you rarely (if ever) get to see on Survivor, and something we, unfortunately, may not see again this season.

Additionally, Jeff Probst is absolutely on fire during Tribal Council, getting his hands dirty in a way he seldom has before. I’ve talked before in this space about how the initial All-Stars season, way back in 2004, suffered from the rampant egotism of the participants. And how, this time, not only are Jeff Probst and the producers prepared for that, but they’re using it to the show’s advantage. Their willingness to allow former unfailingly popular players reveal themselves as complete jackasses has been unprecedented. As an example, check out this moment from Tribal Council, when Jeff Probst completely dismantles not only Rupert’s strategy, but his whole Survivor persona:

Probst: Rupert, what are you basing your vote on?

Rupert (taking four times as long to say this as it will for you to read it): Trying to figure out how the heck we can bond together in these challenges, and win. But [long pause] I made alliances and promises that I want to keep.

Probst: So, it sounds like what you’re saying with that long pause is, “Not sure it will be the best vote, but I will be keeping my word.”

Rupert: That is exactly what I am saying.

Probst: Wow.

Rupert: I am keeping my word. I am gonna stand up to what I said.

Probst: What part of that makes sense? Keeping your word? In a game called “Outwit, Outplay, Outlast.” Keeping your word because, “I’m an honorable man and I want people to see me that way”? ‘Cause I’m looking at a tribe that… Y’all are keeping your word, great. All it’s doing is giving you more time here with me at Tribal Council.

Rupert: Sitting here at Tribal Council sucks.

Probst (throws up his hands like, “What the fuck?”): You’re a part of the reason based on that philosophy, Rupert.

Rupert: I know I am.

Probst: That’s the most honest and illuminating answer we’ve had in any of our tribal councils together.

Now, here’s a little tip for you, if you ever find yourself playing Survivor: Never underestimate the potential for other players to consistently make horrible moves. Incidentally, this is why I’m a little scared to watch Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains when it comes back next week, even though last week’s episode, “Knights of the Round Table,” was fairly bonkers. Rupert’s mentality looks like it’s going to dictate most of the gameplay on the Heroes’ side, and it looks like the Villains camp is in a similar position in terms of its voting predictability.

The Villains’ strategy of not looking for the immunity idol was based on statements by Rob and Sandra, who stated that anybody on the tribe caught looking for the idol would be voted off. But Rob and Sandra haven’t played Survivor since seasons 8 and 7, which means that they weren’t around when this newfangled hidden immunity idol started coming into play in season 11, which means that they don’t really know what a hidden immunity idol is. Russell, on the other hand, who played last season, wisely ignores the threat of being voted off, looks for and finds the hidden immunity idol. All he has to do is use it to build an alliance—which he does, with Parvati (cute, manipulative girl) and Coach (completely non-threatening guy)—and he can start picking off the rest of his tribe. Potentially, he has the key to winning the game. Rob and Sandra think he’s just riding his bike across their lawn, and they’re going to scare him away by shaking their canes at him.

As Rupert said, the Heroes already have an alliance that’s running their game into the ground. James and Amanda have already played twice together, Amanda and JT have some sort of cuddling situation going on, and Rupert and James have reportedly bonded over how famous and popular they are. According to Stephanie’s interview with Entertainment Weekly after she was voted off in the second episode, “Rupert would talk about himself and things he had done and how famous he was, and James would chime in about all the free stuff he had gotten. It was just unbelievable. It was, like, embarrassing for them.”

That would all be well and good, except that, as of the 4th elimination, the Heroes had lost four out of six challenges, and sent three people home. Obviously, something’s not working. Of the four person alliance, Rupert has a broken toe, Amanda doesn’t have a whole lot to offer during challenges, and James has been a victim of some sort of ongoing 'roid rage. Strategically, JT’s always going to be in a bad position because he’s won before. So, it’s possible that they’re sticking together out of weakness. More likely, they’re looking to hook up with Parvati and whoever she’s aligned with after the merge—since Parvati, Amanda and James were all part of an alliance in Micronesia. That won’t matter much if the Heroes’ tribe gets annihilated along the way, which looks inevitable. According to the previews for next week’s episode, both tribes will vote someone out, leaving the Heroes with 5 players, and the Villains with 8.

In the meantime, the Heroes are trying the strategy of overcompensation. The reward challenge in “Knights of the Round Table” was preceded by this little exchange:

Probst: The winning tribe will leave here and be taken to a beautiful watering hole, and you will enjoy a feast of… chocolate. Chocolate bars. Chocolate cake. Chocolate chip cookies. Chocolate milk.

(Villains excitedly flip out. Heroes give Probst the gas face.)

Probst: To make it a little more enticing, I want to whet your appetite with just a little taste of chocolate.

(Probst reveals two plates with tiny bites of chocolate. Villains continue going bananas. Heroes continue to give Probst the stank eye. Villains quickly eat their chocolate. Heroes refuse theirs.)

Probst: Colby, you have a look on your face like this is annoying, or somehow insulting. I handed you the plate and you’re like, “I don’t want this.”

Colby: I’m not annoyed with you, I’m ready to get to the challenge.

Probst: Free offer of chocolate, I’m just curious…

Colby: Don’t need it. Let’s go.

Probst: I got the message, brother. We’ll go when I’m ready. Rupert, why is nobody eating chocolate on the Heroes? What kind of a message are you sending to the Villains?

Rupert: Hopefully, focus. We don’t care about the reward. We just want to win the challenge.

Russell (from the Villains side): We’re always focused when we come to the challenge. That’s why we keep winning.

Now, energy is a pretty valuable commodity in Survivor. If the Heroes truly didn’t care about the reward—which would be silly anyway, since any kind of food on Survivor provides a serious advantage—there’s really no reason to even waste the energy on the challenge, which has no impact on the game except for its reward. They’re not going to intimidate the opposite team by winning a meaningless challenge, after the other team has spent twelve days roundly kicking their asses. Even if they win, they’re just going to be spinning their wheels. If they lose, they’re going to look buffoonish. Plus, couldn’t even a bite of chocolate give you a surge of energy that could help you win? But the most hilarious wasn’t the backwards logic. The most hilarious part was that the Heroes had to sit out a member of their team, and, after all that, they chose to sit out Colby. Dude spent an awful lot of energy putting his game face on just to sit on the bench.

Then, in the opening minutes of the challenge, super-pumped James fucks up his knee—probably because he’s more worried about showing the Villains how tough he is than about actually playing well. So, he gets tossed out of the game. But even that doesn’t stop the Heroes from trying to “intimidate” the Villains. During a break between matches, JT tackles Coach onto his neck. Then, Rupert literally picks Jerri up and throws her face-first into a pole. He apologizes, but the apology goes like this: “Like I meant to do that!” In his initial season, Rupert complained a lot about how the cool kids picked on him in high school. Now we’re beginning to see why they did: because he’s a big ol’ man-child. When the producers put the concept of Heroes vs. Villains together, there was no way they could have ever predicted that the Villains would be super-cool, while the Heroes wouldn’t be able to stop themselves from acting like a gaggle of assducks.

The Heroes, of course, lose the challenge. James gets sent back to camp with his leg in a brace. The Heroes then go on to lose the immunity challenge—again, getting lapped in the puzzle portion. The Heroes, now two for eight, face the dubious decision of voting off James, who can’t really walk, or voting off one of their able-bodied players.

So, here’s what I think is going to happen over the rest of the season: On the Heroes’ tribe, the alliance between Amanda, James, JT, and Rupert is going to hold up, and make it to the merge. They may vote off JT or James if it comes down to it. The Villains will continue to dominate, losing maybe two more players before the merge—I’m guessing Rob (one of my two favorite players goes home in “Knights of the Round Table,” and I’m pretty sure the other one’s going home next episode) and maybe Jerri. So, the Villains will go into the merge ahead somewhere around 7-3. But Russell and Parvati will hook up with Amanda and Rupert to take out most of the remaining Villains, leaving them to fight it out to the end. I think Parvati and Russell’s alliance will hold out until the finals. Granted, it’s much more about how all of this goes down, than it is about what actually happens, but I am worried—even though the first five episodes have been uniformly excellent—that I’m starting to get a little bit ahead of the season.

The Celebrity Apprentice – “Each team must run a diner” by Martin Brown

Over the course of its last season, The Celebrity Apprentice went from being an underdog to being a pop culture phenomenon. Now, it’s in the position of having to build on its own success—something the franchise has been historically bad at. Part of the appeal of the show comes from the fact that you’re watching D-list celebrities’ petty in-fighting. Plus, not only is the show conscious of that, but it encourages it. Think the teams last season each decided to film a commercial exploiting midgets during the same task by coincidence? This season, even the Donald himself seems wonderfully self aware. In the introductory segment he talks about hiring one celebrity apprentice, and then says, “As for the rest of them, I’m gonna fire the asses off of each and every one of them,” as if he can hear fans of kitschy reality television high-fiving each other all over the world.

But you can get all that by watching most VH-1 shows. The Celebrity Apprentice benefits from having Mark Burnett at the helm. Say what you will, he has unparalleled skill when it comes to producing and editing reality TV. There are several ingenious bits of casting on this season. He mines the MTV/VH-1 casting pool for two all-stars: Bret Michaels and Sharon Osbourne. He pulls potential career resuscitation moves for at least a couple of people viewers might have soft spots for, like Cyndi Lauper and Sinbad. And he gets at least one major casting coup in the guise of former Illinois Governer Rod Blagojevich (who Trump has called “the break-out star”).

Burnett’s touch shows up most palpably in the aspects of The Celebrity Apprentice that most people don’t acknowledge. For one thing, he gets you to root for people you wouldn’t otherwise give the time of day. As loathsome as you might find Blagojevich, you’re probably still rooting for him to go far, out of pure entertainment value. Then, you also have to admire Sinbad for charging straight toward the white elephant in the room by telling Blagojevich, “The first thing I would have told you was like this, ‘Rod, Roda, hang up the phone! Hang up the phone, man! Call me from the pay phone! Brothers know. Call me from the pay phone!” Even the ciphers show plenty of personality—pro-wrestler Maria Kanellis carries sodas in her cleavage; Darryl Strawberry has to navigate Trump’s questions about the seedy places in Manhattan he used to hang out in; Carol Leifer cracks herself up describing a fellow contestant. “Bret Michaels. Rock of Love, right? Where he’s basically a man whore.”

One reason you find yourself rooting for these people (in the game, at least, not in life), is because they’re doing things that they’re potentially good at. The reason that most of them are celebrities at all is because of a keen business sense. So, we get to watch underdogs succeed. Except when they fail. And when they fail, they fail colossally. This is a crucial difference between The Celebrity Apprentice and the non-celebrity Apprentice: On the non-celebrity Apprentice, idiots got cast because they looked like competent people, and we got tired of watching them do idiotic things—because it smelled like a set-up, people scrambling for their fifteen minutes of fame, and it was. Here, the celebrities have two compelling, competing reasons for participating—camera time, and money for charity. They are absurd people who are at least generally good at what they do. We get to watch them do idiotic things, but we also get to watch them do some clever things, framed by moderately noble motives (except for with Rod Blagojevich, who simply wants to exonerate himself via NBC.)

For those reasons, the first episode of The Celebrity Apprentice 3 shows a lot of promise, without having a whole lot of memorable moments. The best revolved around Cyndi Lauper’s friendship with Rosie O’Donnell, who Trump had a very public feud with. First, while contemplating calling Rosie to ask for a donation to the task, Cyndi got caught on camera talking smack about the Donald, and his wife. Later, during an interview, she explained, “The one rich person that I am really, really friendly, Mr. Trump insulted for four months on television. And, ironically, called her fat, and he, himself is not a thin man.” After the ladies’ loss (beginning the third straight season of the women’s team getting smoked), Cyndi brought this up as her defense for not raising more money, to which The Donald responded, “Ugh. She’s disgusting.” Why’s he got to bring up old shit?

What the first episode does really well is set-up the personalities and team dynamics: Michaels as the sensitive, earnest rock star; Blagojevich’s constant politicking; Goldberg’s skepticism of Blagojevich; the affability of Michael Johnson and Darryl Strawberry; Sinbad’s ability to humorously cut to the chase; chef Curtis Stone’s cleverness and skill; Cyndi Lauper’s loopy honesty; Sharon Osbourne’s ruthless business sense; Maria Kanellis’ ambition; Holly Robinson Peete’s assertiveness and strength; Salita Ebanks’ full consciousness that she’s cannon fodder; and Carol Leifer (who was fired) even got in a handful of cutting one-liners. The only person I don’t remember having a showcase moment was Summer Sanders (Olympic swimmer.) It’s enough to get me pumped about what could be another truly bonkers season.

How To Make It In America - by David Brothers

How to Make It In America is, at least theoretically, about Ben Epstein and Cam Calderon getting off their butts and making something of themselves. Now that they're pushing 30, they're gonna strike it rich, or at least solvent, by creating a new line of jeans. Along the way, they'll have to negotiate with Cam's menacing cousin Rene, played by an aging but still talented Luis Guzman, coordinate with one of Ben's rich friends, and fight against everyone who is telling them that they can't do their thing. And then, in the end, they'll win. They'll stick to their guns, believe in each other, and their jeans will be the talk of New York City.

Got it? Okay, now do like the show does and forget all of that. The jeans stuff, the "How to make it in America while having a multicultural set of friends," Rene being a threat... it's all sidestory. It's flavor. What this show is really about, and what this episode demonstrates admirably, is the life of these guys in the city. There's a couple minutes dedicated to Kid CuDi, known as Domingo in the show, having coffee with Cam. They toast life, and then this episode's main story, that of Ben having to figure out whether or not he should go to his ex's birthday party, rears its head.

How to Make It In America is basically about the life and times of people who lead a charmed life, who have things tend to work out in their favor, and who can pit chutzpah and bravado up against reality and come out on top. In a previous episode, Ben had to choose between his rent and paying to get samples of his jeans made. By the end of the episode, he buckles and puts his rent money toward the samples, only to find that Cam made enough money to cover the samples, leaving him free to cover the rent.

Things work out. There's no real tension, to be found. By the end of this episode, Ben's made good with his ex and had a great night out on the town at the same time. There's no reconciliation, but there's no big battle, either. They have an awkward and familiar conversation and then go on with their lives.

So, How to Make It In America is about Ben and Cam and Domingo and Rene and Rachel and whoever else stumbles in front of the camera. Everyone is very pretty, no one has real problems, and the light problems they experience, including an existential crisis, are quickly solved.

This is a show you watch because you like the people, which is lucky, because the cast is pretty agreeable. They're all from that New York City of cinema and novels, where even the thugs are attractive (well, sorta) and clever, every single woman is a ten out of ten, and getting some is as simple as saying, "You know we're gonna hook up, right?" Ben's a little more everyman than Cam or Domingo, represented as his total misreading of a house party hookup situation and later drunken visit to his ex's apartment, but he's not Peter Parker pathetic.

You can't watch this show if you care about the jeans or you're looking for some tips on how to hustle. The only advice this show has for you is "Find some beautiful friends and go to trashy house parties." This is a show where things happen, none of it matters, but you stay curious. What is that, a soap opera? Good enough for me.

Archer - "Job Offer" by David Brothers

The previous episodes of Archer made me cry laughing, but this one didn't. It was just okay compared to the rest. Archer gets a new job at a rival agency, someone makes a Beyonce joke, his mother puts a burn notice out on him (which results in an attempted attempted murder), people get drunk, infidelity, mama issues... the usual stuff. Funny ha ha, not funny [unintelligible]. Still worth watching, but I kinda missed the tears.

And then Archer called a recent sexual conquest "The Pelé of anal" and all was right with the world again.

Lost – "Recon" – Zeb L. West

I think I’ve identified where the writing went awry on Lost. It’s when they hired Captain Obvious onto the staff to write this entire bullshit ‘flash-sideways’ parallel plot. He probably knocked it out in an afternoon, and then went back to his day job, writing for FlashForward.

Maybe the trouble is that they’ve dealt so long in mystery that they have no idea how to actually reveal information without shitting themselves. It’s like they hired a pack of writers who specialized in captivatingly vague uncertainty on an epic scale, but when it comes time to write some good old fashioned exposition, they all just stare at the ground and started shuffling their feet, and mumble something about hiring Captain Obvious. Or perhaps they’ve just delayed exposition so long, that now they have to deliver an awkward overabundance.

Either way, the solution is not introducing Sawyer to another fucking new character (a brilliant cameo by Tina Fey, btw). And it’s not turning two characters we’ve spent FIVE SEASONS developing into brain-dead murderers. And it’s DEFINITELY not getting Sawyer and Kate back together.

Now I know a statement like that might not be too popular with the ladies (luckily most of them skip right to the Bad Girls Club rundown anyway). I know that some girls are Skaters, while others are Jaters, and still others are Suliets or Jackets. But I’m a Fuckit, and I root only for Sawyer. Why? Because he’s the only character who wants something that makes any sense at this point. To get off of this goddamned island. I’m a Sawyermokemonster, because I think these two can really help us just cut the shit here.

To say one nice thing about the episode, it starts off with a fun twist. Sawyer attempts to con a con-man’s wife, and when she calls his bluff, he is revealed to be a police officer in flash-sideways land. (PS –Hey Captain Obvious! Thanks for giving her the totally necessary line ‘you’re a cop!’ I totally wouldn’t have got that from the LAPD busting in to rescue him, or from Miles tossing him a badge! GJ!)

The actual plot-line we’re (increasingly less) interested in is moved forward only slightly by the revelation of a couple facts. First, Smoke-Monster Locke’s ‘mother’ went crazy just like Clare/Rousseau did. Second, Widmore is now after Locke, even though he’s always been after Ben.

To tell the truth, the best thing about Lost for me this week was stumbling upon this great flickr set of cartoony Lost-themed Valentines – aren’t they great!

-David Brothers, Martin Brown & Zeb L. West, 2010

Comments

[Nathan]

Hey Tucker, I remember you being big on BSG so I've been expecting at least a dismissive review of Caprica. Not on when you can watch TV or just burned off of spinoffs?

also you watch Breaking Bad?

[Tucker Stone]

I haven't watched Caprica, but I'm not hellbent against it or anything. BSG was kind of an off thing for me, actually--i didn't watch it until after the Iraq season had aired, and that was because I just couldn't believe that something like that deserved the positive reviews it was getting. You're right about me liking it, although Nina was the one who wrote most of the reviews. Further attempts with sci-fi television shows have been a thunderous disappointment. It's just not my thing, I guess.

Sean Witzke turned me on to Breaking Bad last year. I'm all caught up, and when I get back to the city, i'm psyched to watch the premiere. That and Justified are the two shows I'm most excited about right now.

[Nathan]

Oh I get ya. Yeah Caprica is pretty damn different from BSG, I personally like it, but I can see how a good portion of BSG fans wouldn't. Still an interesting show to say the least.

I'm really looking forward to Justified myself. Seth Bullock vs Shane Vendrell in a modern western, and I'm fairly certain a bazooka was used in the trailer.

Breaking Bad premiere aired last night and without spoiling, lets just say I'm excited as all hell about the threat that's coming.

[Matthew J. Brady]

Oh god, I watched the Apprentice, and you're right about it being kind of compelling, but the thing is so fucking long. Is it 2 hours every week? Damn. That shit drags. Good points about the whole thing, and especially Blago, who is trying to make himself look good, but comes off as a weaselly asshole; it's a glorious train wreck, and I love to hate to love watching him make a fool of himself. Maybe I'll tune in to some other episode and see more. Or I'll just read whatever Marty has to say, which will probably save me the frustration.

[Marty]

Yeah, it's totally an NBC move to try to maximize the value of the show by making it two hours every week. Taking it down to one hour would probably make it a much better show. The first season had one hour episodes, and it was AMAZING. Thing is, I think they actually built on their audience last season because of all the Joan Rivers stuff. I'm not sure they're going to be able to do that this time.