Brightest Day # 0
Written by Geoff Johns & Peter Tomasi
Art by Fernando Pasarin
Published by DC Comics
It opens the same way Blackest Night did, the same way Blackest Night closed, with another scene set in a cemetery, where a super-hero ponders and waxes. A baby bird falls from a tree, it's head smashing and smearing pink brain matter across a headstone.
Super-heroes don't waste time with the little things anymore, it seems to say. They fuck each other in rooms full of candles, dreaming of the people they've dismantled. They stand unsure of the deep water, terrified and ashamed, unaware that papa Hal hates fear worst of all, and if he knew that the fishman was scared of fish, what would he do?
What would you, it seems to ask--would you fill up a kiddie pool with ice and try to force a retcon upon the world, to trick strangers into forgetting your mistakes? Could you put on a fake smile and watch your ex-boyfriend fuck a hot doctor? Do you have that kind of drive?
It's been classed as a death-soaked shouting opus, hysterical comics, but that's by a writer whose image is tied in up with the lifelong play-acting of his most well-known fictional creation, whereas this, and those, is tied in a creator whose public visage most closely resembles this, or of course this, and while the rules of yesterday say that the personal shouldn't impact the professional, this--an event mini-series built around characters who have spent the better part of the last twenty years starring in a consistent string of failing, unwanted titles--isn't a product for any sort of mass audience, it's the product for a specific one, and that specific one knows these creators names and buys because of those names, then they go out and create that image and hand it right back, and they say "you'll play this part", and the nod is given, and the rings start to fall, the referencing hits fever pitch, and fucking heroes die. That public image is what makes all the difference in the story's reception, because when Geoff Johns writes a comic that opens with a baby bird brain smash and then depicts a scared of water Aquaman in a world where the Hawk-people fuck each other's mouths in a hall of their own memories, the undercurrent of response is a hellz yeah fist-pump, where under the hand of an Ellis, the enterprise would be praised for its caustic and scathing explosion of what-you-expect, an Ennis credit would carry the cheers for the satire and criticism, under Fraction or Casey it would be labeled as a cool, hip rejection of the squares, and James Robinson's stories wouldn't be read at all, because their response is prepared in advance--Starman Meant So Much, So Much.
And this is Johns. So the baby bird comes back to life. Shoulders are firmly squared. Throats are lubricated, prepared for shouting. David Finch draws the covers! Maxwell Lord has returned! Do you remember Millenium, friends? Because if you do--well, get ready to have your mindz blown.
Consumer Review Machine: Dark Wolverine # 84
Intended Audience: Marvel Comics fans interested in Siege tie-ins, Daniel Way fans, Daken (Wolverine's son) fans, series completionists, Giuseppe Camuncoli fans.
Audience who will be most disappointed: Marvel Comics fans interested in Siege tie-ins, as the only pages of the comic that take place during Siege are the first and last pages, the rest of the issue is told in a "What If" vein, only occurring within Daken's mind.
Audience who will be most satisfied: Daken fans, probably. He is heavily featured in the comic and wins many of his battles, including the most important battle of all, which is the one for his very soul.
Brief Synopsis: Daken, Bullseye and a bunch of soldiers are losing a fight against various enemies, Daken experiences what might happen if he attempted to be a good soldier. He chooses not to be a good soldier because it would be hard to convince the people around him to trust him.
Is comic effective in it's goals: To entertain, no. To be a new issue of a long-running series, yes. To feature some nice drawings by Camuncoli, yes. To be well written, no.
One positive thing about the comic: it has a nice drawing of someone getting razors shoved into their crotch.
Prelude To Deadpool Corps # 5
Written by Victor Gischler
Art by Kyle Baker
Published by Marvel Comics
This is fucking genius, the very much top of the anti-art art that is comics when they're in the hands of pendulous, bullball swinging gentlefolk, even better that it's continued on with a live-in-concert faux performance by the artist, where he said "politics, nah" at a recent convention panel. See, what do you bring to the table when you do something like Prelude To Deadpool Corps, a weekly series about Deadpool, Lady Deadpool, Dogpool, Kidpool & Headpool that uses an extended Mario Kart style gag for its cover? Well, you bring this: ugly digital art. But not ugly digital art in some lazy, here-you-go, gimme-some-money way. No, you go over the top completely, you create and manipulate and digitize and jiggle out some bacon--shit, you make this, it's like Kyle Baker had a secret college of Batman Digital Justice going on in the background of his actual you-get-to-see-this career.
Of course, it all depends on how you define "good", how you manage what you determine to be "entertaining", in which case, the rocks, they be-a-looming. Because: this isn't very funny. Because: this is the fifth part of a mini-series prologue, and Baker only shows up in the last issue. Because: this isn't ugly as argument-for-not-ugly, this is straight up ugly to look at. Because: this is what Baker--an undeniably talented guy with an enviable amount of intelligence and taste--felt his paystub deserved.
And yet! It's brilliant because of that, it's genius for that very reason, because this little piece of shit, this thing that nobody seems to like that much, is the truthful, brutal answer to the idea that you have to give a corporation everything so that you can give yourself something, because no, you don't. They don't deserve your best, they never did, they never will. You think DC makes the best Batman comics? No, they don't. They make the only Batman comics, that's all. If the doors opened, if one of those lawsuits actually went down the pike, yes, there would be shit, mountains of horrible, horrible shit, but it wouldn't take but a week before it clicked that the shit wasn't markedly different from what the corporate entertainment guys were producing. These people--they aren't bad people, they aren't evil, but they're just an employer, they don't get to have your fucking soul and your integrity, nobody takes that away, you have to give it over. You're looking at that paycheck, and it's late, or it's not enough for the time you spent, the time you took from what you love, but maybe, just maybe, you can be one of their best soldiers, the soldier that never complains, and they'll take care of you, and they'll believe in you, and they won't send you home with a piece of shit script that nobody wants, they won't bleed out the work you do by cheaping and rushing the coloring, they'll live up to their promises for you even though they didn't for him and her because you tried so hard and you worked overtime and you told yourself everybody has to make sacrifices that's all it will be better next time and somebody will take notice this time and I can catch up on sleep later and I just know that this is the last one, the last one, and then it's home free and they'll take care of me in the end.
And maybe they will. They always have before, right?
Cold Space # 1
The first page of this comic features the phrase "I hate cops".
Captain America Black Panther Flags of Our Fathers Other Title Available # 1
The first page of this comic features the phrase "I hate Nazi's".
Hey, guys. Enough with the "hate" talk, alright? What do you love? There's so much to be excited about. There's complete seasons of Animaniacs on DVD, there's a new episode of Dr. Who, we've got a good year of posthumous Guru-related cash-in releases to look forward too, maybe we'll get to have a holy war with Iran, iPad, you know, iPad, Samuel Jackson has a comic now, that whole attempt to crack down on Craigslist-based prostitiion failed miserably--seriously, why the glum faces? It's like you've forgotten how to have fun. Did you forget how to have fun? When's the last time you used the words "You guys" to start a sentence fragment? Been a while, I'm betting! Try it out. C'mon, look for a movie preview or something. Why so mean?
U mad?
Ultimate Comics Enemy # 3
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Rafe Sandoval
Published by Marvel Comics
If you wanted to describe the current industrial status of the Ultimate comics line, you'd probably do well to head over to the Internet archives and start digging up articles about Wildstorm relaunches, because that seems to be the model they're following on this thing. The original launches of these titles--the Spider-Man, the X-Men, the Ultimates--those fucking things worked as products. You could swing those bitches from telephone poles, they had that much momentum going. The line had its fair share of misfires--Elektra got two mini-series, ya heard--but none of them were able to annihilate the floor as well as Ultimatum and Ultimates 3 did, they just blew this cocksucker out of the water, it's like the whole Ultimate universe was a living person who used to be the slickest cat in the office, but then he showed up to work covered in duck feces talking about how his mother won't loan him any tinfoil, cuz, shits, there's a parade a-coming. So they take that son of a bitch out on "sabbatical", and when he comes back into work he's got some odd looking scars on his face and he's all bloated up now, and he eats lots and lots of carrot sticks and won't look you in the eye. He's still working, like, here he says, Reed Richards is dead. Here's how Nick Fury argues with a woman. Here, the Thing loves Sue. Here. Here. Here.
Batman # 698
Written by Tony Daniel
Art by Guillem March
Published by DC Comics
Check this out, this is how you know that Dick Grayson is a temporary Batman.
They won't even give him a fucking computer. He just has pieces of cardboard stuck on the wall in the "Batbunker". And Alfred is--wait a second, let's look at that closer.
Is that Alfred? It looks like the Leader. And why do they keep the batbong in the garage? Mixing fumes with the stash is just a recipe for a rough evening.
Doc Savage # 1
Written by Paul Malmont
Art by Howard Porter, Art Thibert & Brian Miller
Published by DC Comics
Right on time to watch DC's other attempt at a second super-hero imprint get cancelled, Doc Savage is the first new title to be launched out of Brian Azzarello's First Wave mini-series, which, if you haven't kept track, has only released one issue out of its six, meaning that DC made the decision to launch two new ongoing series (besides Savage, a new Spirit series comes out tomorrow) without any proof that anybody wanted to read spin-offs of the First Wave mini-series, or, you know, the First Wave mini-series itself. It's possible that DC is just copying what's commonly referred to as Marvel's Hulk strategy, which is to flood the market with Hulk products in the hope that people will just become anything-Hulk-related fans the way they are Bendis fans, because hey, this says Hulk on it. Hulk, it says on this. That's possible, except that DC already did that once, eight months ago, when they started the Red Circle line of comics, and you have to imagine they're aware of how well that worked out, which is that it did not work out at all.
But that's industrial truth, that's not about content, and so what, Doc Savage, maybe it's good, what's it like?
It's pretty fucking terrible, actually. Children that look like alien wax dummies, an apparent contractual obligation to rip the lead character's shirt over and over again, more of the strange fascination with which writers have endowed the supporting characters that surround a lead with which few readers could even pretend a familiarity with, and a plot that centers around having said characters do as little as possible for the majority of the time in which they're being introduced. But hey, it does have a blimp on the cover.
The Savage Axe of Ares # 1
Written by Gregg Hurwitz, John Barber, Ted McKeever & Duane Swierczynski
Art by C.P. Smith, Jefte Palo, Ted McKeever & Leonardo Manco
Published by Marvel Comics
Another black and white retro style anthology comic in the same vein of the pretty great Dr. Strange one from last month, this installment is pretty disappointing, despite a pleasant detour by Ted McKeever where Ares handles a God of War style boss fight. For some reason, Gregg Hurwitz is given a ton of pages in which to tell the story of two guys running from a warehouse to a forest, and C.P. Smith just gives up about three panels in and proceeds to draw disconnected frames of...stuff, you know, like statue people and tanks. John Barber is next, he's an associate editor type who does this kind of fill-in work from time to time, and he spits up one of those sorts of stories that sounds like something an old man would ramble about in a gladiator movie. A bathroom-break voice-over, like "the princess didn't understand it at first, but as the sun boiled the blood drenched corpses of her subjects, a thought crossed her mind", that kind of thing. The art's nice though, these things are starting to have the kind of potential for pleasant surprise that MOME used to have before it turned left into a building.
Amazing Spider-Man # 627
Written by Roger Stern
Art by Lee Weeks & Dean White
Published by Marvel Comics
While parts of this issue appear to have spurt forth from Lee Weeks mimicking John Romita Jr., that's about as close to contemporary as it gets, excluding the use of SD cards, which is vaguely contemporary, probably until September at least? Otherwise, this is some old school comics, complete with a page of Spider-Man mentioning old stories while the editors tell you where they came from. (And yeah, the current Spider-Man editor does that a lot, but these are referencing stories from 400 issues back.) Still, the story makes sense, at least until the end, so you can't really say it doesn't work. But that last page is a fucking minefield of failure, a goofy looking Silver Surfer type declaring war against sleep, and it reads like garbage sex, which is when you have sex with garbage.
Irredeemable Special # 1
Written by Mark Waid
Art by Howard Chaykin, Paul Azaceta & Emma Rios
Published by Boom Comics
Hey, Chaykin! He's pretty much just turned in convention sketches of American Flagg characters for this assignment, but there's a sloppiness to them that's sort of awesome, like he's writing a message in secret codes the way he did in that black and white Iron Man story a few months ago. Or maybe it's just a fuck you, draw your own precious eyes, i'm-Howard-Chaykin kind of thing. Azaceta takes the whole thing seriously, which is a mistake--it's Irredeemable, you know? This comic was created because Mark Waid wasn't able to sit down at a computer without incessantly googling his own name, and he turned that moment in life into a comic book about Superman killing people. You don't take this kind of assignment seriously, you screw around and collect a paycheck. Fuck it, Chaykin will probably explain it him later.
Punishermax # 6
Written by Jason Aaron
Art by Steve Dillon & Matt Hollingsworth
Published by Marvel Comics
Aaron has run smack into the same problem that besieged all of the other non-Ennis/Gischler writers that have handled the character for the last decade or so, which is that everything that's in the comic that isn't Frank Castle is far more interesting than Frank Castle, from the obvious stuff, like a particularly goofy version of Bullseye, to the surprising: Frank's doctor, who was stuck in the Nam with old pre-Pun Castle. Wouldn't you like to read about that guy? That doctor? Instead of Frank? Yes, you would. Of course, even having something in the comic that is interesting puts the team somewhat ahead of the people who tried to follow Ennis, and having Steve Dillon cooking up the gore leaves the issues a decent enough way to check in on a character who seems to have returned to the precarious position of failure he was in before Garth came along and figured him out. Still, you might want to get ready for something like this.
Hellcyon # 1
By Lucas Marangon
Published by Dark Horse Comics
Basic robot shit with motorcycles and fighting. This guy can draw the shit out of robots, by the by, although he's crazy to use computer color tricks to try and make his crowd scenes look more populated. And while the story is pretty routine, it's always a little touchy when you start pushing "originality" and "new" as the temperature with which all comics shalt be judged. Hell, you could have Superman play the steel drums with an uncooked hot dog, and it would be totally fresh 'n different take on the character. You could put Wolverine in a turtleneck and a grass hula skirt. That would just be crazy, some marching to the beat of your own drummer shit there.
Still, this is pretty generic, and is probably going to be ignored by a big portion of its potential audience, because the immediate visual response is the thought "guess Dark Horse bought some kind of Robotech license."
King City # 7
By Brandon Graham
Published by Image Comics
King City is like one of those Latin American electronica albums that Punk Planet used to recommend, those oddball forty minute mixes of music that sounds sort of familiar, but come arranged and delivered in a way that's so sincerely different, so confidently sure in its experimentation that, if it wasn't so playful, would probably be thought of as labored and strident, another installment of trying too hard. City just doesn't read like its creator is putting anything on, there's no fakery, it's a guy and a magic cat, it's roly poly sexy girls who are smarter than everybody else around them, loyalty and dark suited bad guys, and if it wasn't for the casual death, dismemberment and chainsaw guns, the comic might fall into the crevice in the brain where things go when you're trying to decide if it's something little kids would like to read. It's gorgeous to look at, and not in the way where you try to seek out an adjective that translates to "positive" so that you can compliment the art and move back to a plot recap, but in the way that the comics big empty spaces stack on top of packages of densely lined industrial complexes, the way a jiggling butt is lovingly highlighted, all while the ever so perfect letterering describes these "child burying hips". The other nice thing about King City is that it feels finished, thought out, planned--and yet it's still languid and whimsical, as quick to stop and tell a joke as it is to throw a couple of bodies down to the organ harvesters, all while a barely-mentioned Korean zombie war rages in the past. You could do worse than have a stack of these, and a too adorable for public display mug to sit on top of them.
Slam Dunk Volume 9
By Takehiko Inoue
Published by Viz
Although reading thousands of pages of Slam Dunk in one long row would undoubtably dismantle one's enjoyment of the series, with all of the little jokes and brutish physicality losing their charm as the repetition mounts, it is a pain in the ass to wait, boo hoo. Inoue's drawings may be more refined in Vagabond, and his ambition may be higher in Real, but in Slam Dunk, it's all gutter punk levels of engagement. Volume 8 consisted of one long ass gang battle, a fight that left almost the entire team covered in blood covered bruises, leading to a flood of exposition as the team's soothsaying four-eyed member explained where the town's biggest bad boy came from: the basketball team, naturally. By the end, Ponyboy had collapsed in front of the head coach, begging his way back. With Volume 9, we watch as the rest of the thugs take the entirety of the fight's consequences on the back, leaving their former brother-in-crime to rejoin his original orange-balled family. From there on, it's game time, and while the series nominal lead character has yet to score a point (and has been ejected from every game he's played), the team is rapidly destroying everything around them. (120-47 scores, etc.) The romance seems to be set on a slow burn, the championships are a few months away, and yet, in another of Inoue's twisted rejections of expectation, none but a few obsessives--and future opponents with mounting concerns--are actually watching the games as they happen. Considering the success this series had in Japan, it would be too much to credit the man with anticipating its American futures, but you can't really dismiss the coincidence: nobody, sans the hardcores, is paying attention.
-Tucker Stone, 2010
I've had a really shit week so far and these made me laugh out loud, so thank you.
Posted by: Mario M. | 2010.04.21 at 01:28
Funny as always .
Great summation on us Johns fans. Though its one of those things you find awkward when some points out to you, like being told I'm unknowingly biting my nails when someone is talking to me.
Also yeah, it's painfully obvious that Malmont has never written a comic, I can tell he likes Doc and has a feel for it but he's horribly out of his league.
Posted by: Nathan | 2010.04.21 at 04:35
A thought-provoking review of a Deadpool comic? That's why I come to this site.
The guffaw inducing idea of Alfred-as-Leader smoking the batbong? Icing on the cake.
I do not now nor have I ever cared for Chaykin's art, so reading that it looks sloppy makes me think, "Just now you people are catching on?"
Posted by: Cody | 2010.04.21 at 09:30
I was prepared to counter-attack your comments on Brightest Day #0, Tucker, which would have opened the flood gates of WAR, I assure you, but I learned yesterday that The Warlord has been canceled with #16. Now I'm just mad. Mad at the world.
Posted by: Jim Kingman | 2010.04.21 at 10:09
1) No comics fan will ever care about sports manga, because no one wants to read comics about the people who gave them swirlies in high school.
2) The Captain Universe thing is brilliant, because that means this is also a follow-up to Spider-Man's Captain Universe run during the Acts of Vengeance, which is AWE-to-the-SOME.
Posted by: Tim O'Neil | 2010.04.21 at 11:59
Wait swirlies are a real thing?
Posted by: Nathan | 2010.04.21 at 13:12
What If Spider-Man Stayed Captain Universe was also a great What If.
No, wait, it was my first What If. It may not have been great. He did invade Iraq, though, and make a magic Captain Universe Baby.
Posted by: david brothers | 2010.04.21 at 13:51
"...where under the hand of an Ellis, the enterprise would be praised for its caustic and scathing explosion of what-you-expect, an Ennis credit would carry the cheers for the satire and criticism, under Fraction or Casey it would be labeled as a cool, hip rejection of the squares, and James Robinson's stories wouldn't be read at all, because their response is prepared in advance--Starman Meant So Much, So Much."
This is a great piece of observation and manages to really make me laugh in the process, a brilliant little bit of writing.
Posted by: Justin | 2010.04.21 at 14:57
"a particularly goofy version of Bullseye"
Oh god wasn't it? I love it. Also I love Dillon on this book, I wonder how long Aaron debated whether or not to have him draw the Eskimo flashback. Also the last page really makes it seem like Bullseye is as giddy as a school girl
Posted by: Nathan | 2010.04.21 at 17:00
Do you know the song "I Hate Cops" by The Authorities, circa 1982? Here's the lyrics:
I hate cops
They're all fucking piggers
They got little mustaches
They squeak when they walk
I hate cops I hate cops I hate cops
I hate cops
I wasn't doin nothin wrong
I was just shooting up
Got hassled by a cop!
I hate cops I hate cops I hate cops
I played that song once in a band that only existed for one day, in November of 2000. We were called "Florida Recunt." Our set list was as follows:
"I Hate Cops"
"Let's Have A War"
"Jetboy / Jetgirl"
"I Hate Cops"
Ironically, I don't actually hate cops.
Uh, also I really liked your post, Mr. Stone. I usually do, your writing is well honed to a splendid pointiness. Ya totally nailed it wif the line about it looks like Dark Horse got a Robotech license. C'est magnifique. Zut alors! Je ne sais quoi?
PS I continue to posit that Oberon Sexton is the Riddler. Why? Because I want strangers to hate me.
Posted by: John Pontoon | 2010.04.21 at 19:03
That Deadpool review was inspiring. I half-take-back the thing I said about you being a soulless spiderweb golem.
Posted by: moose n squirrel | 2010.04.23 at 20:35
"A thought-provoking review of a Deadpool comic? That's why I come to this site."
Ditto, also I have a masochistic drive to read people describe why everything I like is shitty and that I should be ashamed for liking it, and unlike almost everyone else ever, Tucker can both make a point and be funny.
Though it took me a while to take him seriously since the only person named Tucker I had ever heard of was Tucker Carlson
Posted by: Nathan | 2010.04.23 at 22:12
There's Tucker, A Man and His Dream.
Posted by: Tim O'Neil | 2010.04.25 at 01:09
I am grateful for the writing on this site, but especially for that Deadpool review.
Excellent stuff.
Posted by: Damon Blake | 2010.04.25 at 07:57
Nathan: What about Tucker Max?
Posted by: Lugh | 2010.04.25 at 16:02
Honestly didn't hear about Tucker Max till last year.
I saw the Jeff Bridges movie, but forgot the guy's name.
Naw, whenever I hear the name Tucker I think of that smarmy asshole and his bowtie
Posted by: Nathan | 2010.04.26 at 12:05
Pretty good.
Now, next time you're at the same con as Baker, say it to his face.
Posted by: Dan Coyle | 2010.05.03 at 13:52
Dude, why would anybody do that? What would be the point?
Posted by: Tucker Stone | 2010.05.03 at 14:58
What, Dan, that he's "an undeniably talented guy with an enviable amount of intelligence and taste"? Are you saying that that's the black person equivalent of "faggot"?
Are you a RACIST, Dan? Do you SNEER AT RACES?
Posted by: Chris Jones | 2010.05.03 at 23:05
Baker seems like a resonable guy, I don't see any reason he would hate being called a talented guy who sometimes turns in subpar work for a paycheck. Which otherwise talented artist hasn't?
Also: I am also grateful for this blog. As grateful as Hal Jordan is for his father's afghan goatherd jacket.
Posted by: AComment | 2010.05.05 at 11:22