Television of the Weak: You Can Do Whatever You Want When You're A Winner

This week we got Matthew J. Brady on Fringe, Sean Witzke on The Boondocks, Tucker on two shows with 24 in the title, Tim O'Neil on Grey's Anatomy and Martin Brown on some Celebrity Apprentice.

Fringe: "Brown Betty"
Matthew J. Brady

A lot of serious shows (or ones that want to be taken seriously, even if they shouldn't) go to the well of the "comedic" episode every so often, or at least do the occasional cleverly-structured episode or something different from the norm, perhaps as a way to diffuse boredom and routine formula. That's what Fringe seems to be going for here, but they've done it in their usual half-assed style, meaning that it's much less of an attention-grabber than it should be. This particular example is supposed to be a musical episode, but what songs there are seem tacked on and unnecessary, even more so than the story being told. That would be one that Walter makes up for Olivia's niece, and it's supposed to illustrate his grief at losing Peter (who ran off after finding out his true origins in the alternate universe, which is a long, dumb story that really doesn't need to be retold for the umpteenth time) or something. It's a detective story, with Olivia as a noir-style private eye, looking for Peter, who stole a mechanical heart from Walter, who was working for the Massive Dynamic corporation (who even invades the world of fairy tales, they're so evil). And blah blah blah and so on, with all the regulars making appearances to wave at the camera and say "look, I'm wearing old-timey clothes!" Yawn? Yeah, pretty much.

It's not a horrible idea, really; the intent seems to be a way of illustrating Walter's insecurities or something, but it's mostly just pretty dumb. There are some interesting designs and details, mixing 40's outfits, hairstyles, cars, and phones with incongruous modern touches like cell phones and computers, but again, it seems a bit half-assed. You would think the cast would take the opportunity try out some different acting styles, but other than Lance Reddick, who does a little bit of authoritarian cop banter and sings a jazz tune while playing piano, and Joshua Jackson, who squints a little more and puts a match in his mouth like a toothpick, they all just act the same as usual. There's a silly bit about Walter being an inventor who came up with stuff like bubble gum, rainbows, and hugs, but it turns out he did so by stealing the dreams of children, in a belabored metaphor for his past sins. Overall, it ends up being an entertaining hour of "what the hell?", but as usually happens with this show, it's more dumb than good and not half as clever as it thinks it is. That's Fringe for you.

The Boondocks - "It's a Black President, Huey Freeman"
Sean Witzke

So yeah Herzog. This is an episode of a tv show where Werner Herzog calls someone "An Uncle Tom, perhaps the greatest Uncle Tom in history". Yeah, its the real Werner Herzog, an animated version of him interviewing Huey Freeman, and saying that Huey is the most depressing kid he's ever met. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ITS WERNER HERZOG ON ADULT SWIM.

The episode is a pretty fantastic dodge on Aaron McGruder's part - we were all waiting for his take on the Obama presidency, and here it is. A large selection of people reacting to the possibility of a black president - senseless rage (Uncle Ruckus), idiotic bandwagon jumping (Thugnificent), a white woman finding an idealized black man attractive (Sara), ignorance of Obama as anything other than black guy (Riley), uneasy forced happiness (Tom) - and most importantly, Robert Freeman's ownership as one of the civil rights leaders who made Obama possible. It's been estalished, Robert knew MLK and Rosa Parks, and he pointed it out then, that they ain't gonna lay his ass in state, they're gonna bury him in a pine box. Robert Freeman actually has some nugget of truth to what he's saying but he blows it so out of proportion that Herzog calling him senile works completely.

But this is the Boondocks, all the jokes about everything from celebrity dick riding to Jeremiah Wright land, but you spend the entire episode waiting to hear Huey talk about Obama, and what his presidency means. Huey is McGruder's mouthpiece, like Stan and Kyle on South Park - he says what needs to be said because... well, these guys have tv shows to say them on. He's never been too interested in being subtle either, as anyone who's seen the BET episodes can attest to.

Huey never says anything other than "eh". Because Aaron McGruder, he ain't excited or angry, he's got more pressing concerns. Werner Herzog can deal with that shit for him.

Mayweather - Mosley 24/7
Tucker Stone

This will probably end up being my favorite thing I watch on television all year, and while that's in no small part due to my rampant disinterest in any contemporary entertainment that doesn't assist me, like a decrepit slug, through every one of its various moments, shining bright lights in my eyes while playing snippets of cool songs I remember or want to remember. My enjoyment is also probably due to it being a snazzy piece of docu-advertisment. Hopefully.

24/7 is one of those things that's so ingenious that I've just assumed everyone watched it, even if they didn't like boxing, sports, non-whites, etc. Apparently I was wrong, and since I'm sure the whole boxing thing isn't the dilemma, I'm going to just assume you're all a bunch of racists who fantasize about the day when you can all root for one of those fucking Ukrainian brothers, both of whom are about as entertaining as a divorcee describing her feelings towards imaginary cats. (Wladimir Klitschko called out David Haye on fucking Facebook, just like the gargantuan child that we all know he is. When Haye shittalked Valuev in his fancy pants British accent, remember what he said? "He is the ugliest thing I have ever seen. I have watched Lord of the Rings and films with strange looking people, but for a human being to look like he does is pretty shocking." Dude, Haye said that about a guy who was 315 pounds and SEVEN FEET TALL. You think a guy like that is impressed by a Facebook video?)

Shit, I keep getting away from the point. Mayweather - Old Guy 24/7. Okay, that's not fair, and sure, HBO did a bang up job editing Shane Mosley into an interesting character, which is no small feat, because the guy is in a bowling league with the overweight locals in the resort town he trains in, he trains in his basement...he's a nice guy, and it's hard to get behind nice boxers, because the other guy, the not-so-nice guy, is invariably a lot more entertaining to spend time with in the time leading up to the fight, which is also the time when all that specific personality type stuff goes right out the window and it all comes down to which one of these dudes can beat the shit out of each other in the best possible fashion. They film these shows--usually three to four episodes--in the weeks prior to an HBO Pay-Per-View fight, with the final episode airing the evening before the event, in hopes that more people will buy the fight itself. They're heat-of-the-moment reality television, shot so close to air time that you'll invariably end up spotting the portions where the pre-planned narrative is interrupted by the surprises of real life. (The best one this time around was when Floyd Mayweather goes off on an one of his many entertaining rants right after watching the first episode, which was airing while they were filming the second.) The conclusion of the show--one of those dusty, all-things-must-pass tours through the Neon Graveyard of Las Vegas--is obviously something prepared from the very beginning, and while it's a bit of an overdose in the We're Making Points Here department, the show is so clean, crisp, quick that it ends up concluding just when you realize how much more you want to see. (Hence the sixty-four dollar pricetag on the fight.)

The heart of the whole thing, the mouth, the image, the reason you tune in--it's all Floyd Mayweather. Whether you agree with the "he's playing the big black villain" argument or not, (and the post fight evidence points towards a "yep" answer) Floyd is an extreme force of charisma to spend time with, an excellent shit talker who can back it up with a gnarly athleticism.

(There's no questioning the padding of Floyd's record--41 wins, no losses, but not all of those 41 were that difficult to earn, considering how infrequently he fights and how often he chooses to go up against the smaller and the older. I'm not going to waste my time trying my virgin hand at sportwriting or amatuer boxing aficionado, but the best argument I've seen for Mayweather's skill has been watching how often trained professionals resort to frantic brawling tactics in the later rounds, consumed with trying to catch some of the guy's flesh at the end of their fists. All boxers dance, but Mayweather's talent for pulling the target just out of the range of attack is a sight to behold, and he's conditioned himself to a point where its a freakish second nature. I've seen heavyweight fights live before, but I doubt I'll ever make the trip to watch Floyd go to work live--you need slow motion to keep up with him, it's part of the reason that HBO utilizes the NFL Films/music video house style of editing for so much of their fight footage. He's just too goddamn fast for the human eye to catch.)

Floyd's control over how HBO depicts him and his camp is a major part of how 24/7 works--more than anyone else, its his show, and while this season didn't include a famous "50 Cent arrives on a Segway" kind of moment, it continued to promote the general Mayweather image: he likes money, flashy shit, and he's quick with quotable lines. "Muhammad Ali is one hell of a fighter. But Floyd Mayweather is the best. Sugar Ray Robinson is one hell of a fighter, but Floyd Mayweather is the best."

Sound familiar? It should.

"I don't think I'm better than anybody personally. I don't think I'm better than anybody spiritually. You know what I mean? I don't think I'm better than anybody in any way, form or fashion. But as far as this rap thing, I think I am better than everybody."

The difference is that Floyd, unlike Weezy, has yet to miss.

24 - "11:00AM - 12:00PM"
Tucker Stone

Okay, boilerplate stuff: this episode of 24, which (NEWSFLASH) wasn't very good because it was (SURPRISE) predictable and boring and featured lots of (NO NEED FOR GUESSING) really bad acting on the part of Freddie Prinze Jr who seems to be in the process of hollowing out his cheeks for winter storage (TOO EARLY), actually had a little twist that, I think, but am not sure, may have been a first time twist, which was that Jack gave his word and then broke his word, which is something that he never, ever does. Sometimes he gives his word and outside circumstances cause his word to be broken, but that's a technicality, not his fault. This time, it totally was his choice, he gave his word--"I will let you go"--and then he broke his word--"I meant to say I was going to shoot you twice at point blank range". Now, the actual tension of the scene didn't lend itself to much of a surprise--anytime Jack chases somebody into a room that has no exits and that person is barefoot and out of bullets, you pretty much know that it's going to play out badly for that person, even if Jack has just killed between 4 to 14 people just to rescue said individual from DB Sweeny's water board, because there's not a whole lot else to do in that kind of room. Maybe Slaps or Bloody Knuckles, but even that's a wash when time is a factor.

Either way, there's pretty much no way you'll want to miss next weeks episode, because SPOILER it includes heavy metal cut facial features off torture stuff and a blowtorch, lots of screaming. America, something to that effect.

Grey's Anatomy - "Hook, Line and Sinner"
Tim O'Neil 

First week back from a break and we jump right into the action. The conclusion of the last new episode a few weeks back promised the birth of Sloan's grandson, after his surprise daughter showed up on his front doorstep in labor. (I say "surprise" because, as was revealed earlier in the season, he never knew he had a daughter until she showed up on his doorstep preggers.) The business commences right on, with Sloan running next door to grab all the available doctors - quite a few, actually, since they live in communal barracks, a situation sharply at odds with most people's intuitive understand of medical professionals' gross incomes - and then delivering the goblin child on the kitchen floor.  

The rest of the episode sets up an interesting double narrative. (and by interesting I mean "interesting," since this is basically the most predictable set-up ever). Basically, the moment little Sloan (who is named Sloan after her father, Mark Sloan, which makes things just a bit confusing) pops the kid, papa Sloan gets all mushy and tries to pressure his daughter into keeping it. This is problematic since, if little Sloan has one single characteristic (and since this is Grey's Anatomy, she basically only has the one), it's that she's a moron. The one smart thing she decided to do was to have the baby Juno-style and then give it up for adoption for some nice deserving couple. This very nice picture is complicated here by her father's impending midlife crisis: he sees his little grandchild and gets all protective, reflecting on his own lack of family and experiencing visions of suddenly becoming a responsible adult at age, I dunno, forty-something?

   

In any event, this set-up provides the HIGH-LARIOUS pretext for Sloan and Doctor SHepherd to spend a very uncomfortably long scene lingering over the sight of Baby Sloan's penis, the relative size of which is taken as "proof" of the potency of the Sloan genes. I have never had a child but I'm fairly certain that inviting other men to join you as you linger lovingly over the size of your baby's junk is kind of a weird thing to do. So weird in fact, that I think it calls for cake:  

MEANWHILE in another plot, Arizona and Callie are arguing over the fact that Callie has just discovered that Arizona has no interest in having children. This comes as something as a surprise to Callie seeing that Arizona is a pediatrician. Interestingly, the Callie / Arizona relationship is probably the best, most reasonable picture of an actual relationship on this show, maybe in the history of this show. This can probably be explained by pointing out that Callie and Arizona are both women, and the writers and producers are too scared to risk the ire of the show's gay fanbase - since, you know, they've already got a pretty good history of pissing of their gay fans. So, long story short, they actually have a thoughtful and well-reasoned discussion about having children - the type of discussion that should be intimately familiar to anyone who's ever been in a serious relationship that lasted long enough to get to the point past familiar intimacy but not quite to the point of comfortable symbiosis.

This discussion ends inconclusively. Arizona is perfectly reasonable about laying out precisely why she doesn't want children and why she refuses to be swayed from her desire to remain childless. I have to give the writers some actual, honest-to-Gosh credit here for doing a pretty good job of portraying the decision to remain childless as a legitimately reasonable decision and not some freakish fit of Commie Blue State pique - not necessarily a choice you usually see depicted so reasonably in American media. But the fact remains: she doesn't want to have kids - she loves Callie but she recognizes that having a child with Callie would change their relationship in ways she has no interest in exploring. Callie looks at Sloan hugging the holy hell out of his grandson and you can practically hear the ticking of her biological clock. 

All of which brings us back around to the ironclad determinism at the heart of the episode's psychomotor: unless I miss my guess, they're steering Callie and Sloan back together. They've flirted for as long as they've been on the show, and have even been "friends with benefits," but now that their storylines have converged it's pretty obvious they're going to get back together, leaving Arizona in the dust. Of course, people getting together because they both have a sudden desire to be parents is not necessarily the greatest foundation for a relationship, but time will tell, because this is so obviously the direction they're going with this.

   

What else happened this episode? Well, the Ginger MacTavish / Anorexic Blonde / Asian Harpy love triangle soldiered on (>snicker<), this time with the added spice that Anorexic Blonde (or, for those paying attention, Teddy, which is a name I have trouble attaching to a grown woman) was in danger of losing her job due to the fact that she just happened to forget to tell the new Chief (Chief Shepherd) that she was interested in staying on past her current temporary contract. So, Shepherd brings in a hotshot thoracic surgeon, played by Scott Cohen, who also played Max Medina on seasons 1 & 2 of the Gilmore Girls. (I can't be bothered to look up what the name of his Grey's character actually was, so I'll simply call him Max Medina.) The thing is - Max Medina is such a hotshot that he gets to Seattle Grace and basically runs away screaming because these doctors obviously got their medical licenses by mailing away Cracker Jack box tops. So Teddy gets the permanent position as head thoracic surgeon by default, even though Hunt (the Leprechaun, you may remember) essentially threw her under the bus to Shepherd because he felt it would be too tempting to start fucking her again if she stuck around because he's totally still pretending that he's in a sexual relationship with Christina Yang even though Yang is obviously an asexual Shoggoth who lives for the sweet taste of human flesh (hence her desire to be a cardiac surgeon). Seeing Hunt cooly betray his former best friend by telling Chief Shepherd point blank that Teddy would be better off getting another job on the East Coast was, honestly, a pretty surprising turn of events. Turns out Ginger Man is a real big asshole. Who knew? I mean, besides those of us who watched him try to feed his cat in the last reel of Trainspotting. 

So what's next? I'll give you a visual spoiler to whet your appetite for next week's episode:

   

 Stay classy, Grey's. Stay classy.

The Celebrity Apprentice - "Bunches Of Em"
Martin Brown

So, a shit ton of stuff has happened since the last time we checked in on The Celebrity Apprentice. In real life, Bret Michaels has been suffering through one medical crisis after another. On April 12, he had an emergency appendectomy. 10 days later, he got put in critical condition by a massive brain hemorrhage. Even now, when his prospects for a full recovery look decent, he's suffering through an immense amount of pain as the blood clot around his brain dissolves--pain that can't be treated because of complications with his Type 1 Diabetes. In the parallel universe of reality television, Bret Michaels has almost single-handedly made The Celebrity Apprentice worth watching.

Weeks ago, Rod Blagojevich's exit episode was practically a slow-motion montage of the guy dozing off and failing to understand how to use a telephone. If they had scored it with Kenny Loggins' "Playing with the Boys," they might have been on to something. Instead, the episode was stretched so thin over its two hour runtime that, when Blagojevich and Selita Ebanks flew to Orlando on Trump's private plane, we literally had to sit through a video of Trump informing them of FAA regulations.

Things didn't get any better the following week. Sharon Osbourne was out sick. Cyndi Lauper took off to Washington DC for a day. Michael Johnson quit the show under mysterious circumstances. And the Trump still decided to fire somebody, leaving us with a serious personality void in a series already perilously close to wearing out its welcome. Without Johnson, Osbourne, Lauper, Blagojevich, or Ebanks (who got fired) and Goldberg (fired the subsequent week), we were left with only Maria Kenelis (questionable "Celebrity," and hot fashinista version of Chester the Terrier http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spike_the_Bulldog_and_Chester_the_Terrier), Holly Robinson (stone bitch from 21 Jump Street), Summer Sanders (every high school's head cheerleader--deeply angry, but terrified of saying anything negative to anyone), Curtis Stone (another non-celebrity notable for coming off a lot more vain than he probably actually is--you know, like most Australians), and Bret Michaels.

While his compatriots came off as 2 dimensional at most, Michaels proved a much more complicated character. Initially, he came off as affable (a little too affable), slightly paranoid about being portrayed as lazy, and constantly fluctuating between competant and incompetant. Over the course of the season, however, it became clear that Michaels was capable of being truly funny (during a Harry Potter-themed challenge, suggesting that his whole team was going to prison after Curtis Stone asked a kid to hold his wand), sympathetic (openly worrying about his daughter getting tested for diabetes), selfish (openly worrying about his daughter a little too frequently in front of the cameras), competive (at 2-0, he's currently got the best win-loss record of anyone on the show), business-smart (in this week's episode, giving executives better radio commercials than they probably deserved), and, yeah, never less-than-affable, even when telling someone to shut the fuck up. Oh, and he loves the ladies. One of the best recurring jokes of the season is how Michaels will, almost pathologically, hit on every lady that comes across his path. In one episode, a woman approached him and told him that he was one of the five celebrities she was allowed, by her husband, to sleep with. He told the camera he was going to take her into the bathroom. I pretty sure it only appeared like he was kidding. This is a guy who has proven capable of being deeply self-reflexive, yet insists on wearing a bandana every day of his life, like we don't know it's attached to a wig.

In other words, Michaels has become the rare reality TV character with undeniably human depth to him. Sure, there's a part of him that's image-conscious (the wig-wearing part), but the guy has been a serious contender as a businessman--taking the lead, even on several projects he wasn't project manager for; sometimes going down in flames; sometimes succeeding wildly--and neither his vanity or his leadership quality has gotten in the way of his charisma. In real life, he's literally fighting through immense pain and a blood clot in his head. Meanwhile, on a television show built on reducing its participants to stereotypes, he somehow manages to be so alive. That. That, I find incredibly touching.

Breaking Bad - "One Minute"

 

holy shit when did hank get so fucking cool
 

-Matthew J. Brady, Sean Witzke, Tim O'Neil, Martin Brown, Tucker Stone, 2010

Comments

[Chris Jones]

It should come as no surprise to anyone that at this point, Wire excluded, Lance Reddick is always going to be the best part of whatever he's in(Wire excluded because EVERY part was the best part).

[John Pontoon]

Shit, your generation knows about Bloody Knuckles too? Is there nothing archaic anymore? I is dispraportionately bummed.

[Matthew J. Brady]

God, Herzog was great on that episode. One thing I noticed: has there always been this much spittle on that show? Every scene seemed to have somebody yelling, with a lazy bit of animation that kept their faces pointed forward and their mouths stretched off to the side, flecks of saliva spewing out like confetti. THAT'S TOO MUCH SPIT. Still, pretty decent, although MacGruder might have done better to just ignore the Obama issue if he didn't have anything to say.

Also, damn, I only just finished watching the second season of Breaking Bad, and I'm already jonesing for more (even if I found the season finale to be slightly disappointing). I gotta figure out how to download episodes or something, because I don't want to wait a year to find out about Hank's awesomeness.

[Chris Jones]

Pontoon, you can take solace that I'm maybe one of 500 teenagers in this country who could name Lance Reddick if they saw him. Most of us give less than a shit about TV actors.

[John Pontoon]

I suppose I should feel hopeful that people continue to know things instead of bein curmudgeonly that secrets are out. Hmm. I may be wired suboptimally.

Anyhow, good on you, Chris Jones.

[Kenny Cather]

Floyd Mayweather is kinda boring, but his Money persona is freaking awesome. I'm going to have to track down this show....

[Nathan]

New Breaking Bad certainly was kick-ass wasn't it

[Nathan]

Brady: I think they addressed it because everyone expected him to.

Also jesus catch up with Breaking Bad, end of the new episode was just fucking insane.