The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest (is a piece of shit)

The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest
By Stieg Larsson, 2010

Some professional book blogger was telling me that the reason the Larsson trilogy is so popular--and yes, that's the original definition of popular, the one you're only supposed to pull out for Harry Potter and Twilight level shit--was because the author was dead. I disagreed: the reason these books are sorely in need of meat cleaver editing is because the author is dead. The reason they're popular is because they're Swedish crime thrillers, which are unexplainably hip right now, and because they have an interesting character that a lot of readers want to keep up with, regardless of what surrounds that character. That doesn't mean Lisbeth Salander is unique--as was pointed out to me by some actual professional crime-writer dudes, there are plenty of successful serials that focus on female protagonists who have suffered some manner of sexual assault and now devote most of their waking hours to hunting down a bunch of over-the-top rape-crazy molestation freaks. (Which she really only does in the first book, but that's how they hook you.) I haven't read them, they have, there's apparently a whole field of this kind of stuff, and some of them are supposedly pretty good. (And of course, there's Andrew Vachss, who--really, never mind. Fuck that guy's books. It's cool that he devotes so much of his money and time to fighting actual child exploitation, but his books are garbage, gross-out rip-off books that keep going "look at how hard this little kid was fucking raped before he was double raped and dismembered by rapists" and when you react, like a normal person, by saying "shit man, is there going to be a plot here or is just a bunch of hammy noir cliches leading up to more kiddie and lady rape scenes" he gets all condescending and says "i guess some people just can't handle real life" which is--gimme a fucking break, creep. A bunch of horrifying evil shit being done to innocent women and children strung together between extreme-o updates on Westlake and Chandler riffs isn't "a brutal confrontation with the realness of reality" anymore than it would be if I started slicing on my testicles with a steak knife right when my dad starts to carve the turkey on Thanksgiving. "C'mon papa. Why you so repressed? I'm just showing you the dark side of this special day."

[In other words, Larsson's publishers has better p.r. agents than other people's publishers, is the point of all that. Also Andrew Vachss irritates me is the other point. Two points!]

Here's the thing: if you've read the first two books in Larsson's "Millennium Trilogy", you're clearly going to want to read this third one. (It is called that because Larsson didn't realize that people only wanted to read about his autistic savant bisexual pierced Olympic-level kickboxing female character, he believed they'd be more excited about his long boring ass subplots about a magazine, and not just any regular dentist office magazine, but the Martin Luther King/Jesus Christ/Superman of change-the-world-for-a-better-place magazine, and that magazine is called "Millennium". I think Larsson expected people to hang out at bookstores and be all like "man, I wish that magazine was real, we wouldn't need to worry about oil spills or 85 Mexican people dying in one day if there was a magazine like that." Seriously, each book ends with the magazine unleashing this amazing issue that totally blows the entire reading population's minds and then there's a part where the writer goes on television and then Larsson tells you how the newscaster who interviewed the magazine guy won some Television Journalism award just for talking to the dude about his magazine article, and the way it's written you can tell this is supposed to be supremely satisfying, because hey: nothing changes the world like a local newscaster winning a journalism award.)

Confession: I knew this was going to be a piece of shit! I bought it at a store where they don't know me personally, because I didn't want my new friends at the cool store I normally buy these kinds of books at to think I was a sucker like all the other suckers. (This actually backfired on me, because it turns out I am already considered a douchebag because I am a big Martin Beck fan and they all think he is overrated and boring.) 

In My Defense: I don't have one, but it seriously only takes like six hours to read one of these books, and I bet you've blown eighteen hours on something you knew wasn't very good just because you wanted to find out how it ended. And if you haven't, you're doing it right now so HA HA on YOU

[Since this is turning into one of those only-allowable-on-the-internet style things, here is some useless information: the original Swedish title of this book is "The Air Castle That Was Blown Up". Some credit is deserved for not using that title.]

One thing is for sure. You'd have to be completely mental to care at all about the other primary character in these books, the Mikael Blomkvist character. He's an obvious author substitute (Stieg Larsson was a writer for a magazine that apparently changes the world into a better place all the time over in Sweden), who becomes a laughable middle aged Don Juan fantasy by the middle of the first book, a smirk-inducing cartoon by the second, and in the third, when he's run out of shit to do but wander from bed to bed through a succession of awestruck women who just can't get enough of his pudgy chalk-white body and prissy complaints that he "doesn't want to be tied down to a relationship", you're just greeting him with a grimace, but not the like the Grimace guy from McDonald's who I still think is a pretty great mascot and wish they would use more often. We got it, Stieg. You wanted to have sex with every woman you met, ever, regardless of age, appearance, intelligence, humor, likability, any actual human characteristics if we're being honest--if they were a woman, you wanted to rub your flaccid muscles all over them in hotel rooms they rented for you to do so in, and then you wanted to have pillow talk about how awesome you were in bed. 

[Supposedly, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt and George Clooney all want to play the part of Mikael Blomkvist in the upcoming American remix of the Swedish films. If that happens, then maybe they can make the constant bedhopping stuff believable, but it still seems pretty g-d unlikely that there's going to be an American movie where the main male character has seven to nine sexual trysts with different female partners, even if they make the films three hours long, which is what the Swedish ones will be when they come out on DVD. That doesn't leave a whole lot of time for whatever female actress they get to play Lisbeth, and you should remember: she is the only thing that is interesting about these books. It will be pretty funny if David Fincher does actually make the movie (although he probably will choose not to as that will interrupt his favorite hobby, which is thinking about making movies but not making them) because the Swedish films were made by directors who have clearly only seen one movie in their entire life, and that movie was directed by David Fincher and was called Se7en.]

Okay, if you've made it this far you don't care about spoilers and you want to know what's up with Lisbeth. "What's up with Lisbeth?", I can hear you. After all, the second book ended with her on the way to the hospital after being buried alive, which was actually an accident because the people who buried her alive (her father and super-human half-brother) had gone to the trouble of shooting her in the head and shoulder first. (They thought that would kill her, but Stieg Larsson's clearly well-researched version of autism hardens the brain and shoulder against bullets. I guess?)

So here you are, a Lisbeth Salander-interested type person, you've got yourself all steeled up to tolerate the full page descriptions of what characters are wearing (which always precede the part where Stieg explains who these characters are, meaning you get full fashion descriptions including t-shirt and shoe color before you get the "she is a cop" or "he is a spy" kind of information), you're fully aware that Blomkvist is probably going to get lots of lady loving in while passive-aggressively telling his conquests about how many other women he will be conquesting later (to which they always sigh and get kind of like "oh well, you foxy overweight writer, you're worth the heartache"--you're ready, you're prepared. Book three. Bring it on mother grabber.

Here's the math. For the first 80% of the book, Lisbeth Salander is in a hospital bed. For half of that 80%, she plays with a smartphone that has internet access. For the next 5% of the book, she sits in a courtroom wearing "shocking" goth outfits that were dated even before 1996's Antichrist Superstar tour. For another 5% of the book, she gets really drunk and fulfills the masturbation fantasies of middle-aged married male business travelers. (By picking them up, telling them she doesn't care if they're married, and then by fucking their brains out on their schedule.) And then, right there at the end, she gets in a death duel with one of the X-Men (his mutant powers include having the strength of an army of gorillas and being "impervious to physical pain"), and then she balks at finishing the gig herself. 

And so the story concludes, happily, because Blomkvist shows up at her house with some take-out food and she gives him a big old hug. The fight and the reunion take up the last 10%, so that's where it ends.

So yeah, I don't know why these are popular. It sure isn't because they're awesome.

-Tucker Stone, 2010

Comments

[Chris Jones]

\m/

[LurkerWithout]

"And of course, there's Andrew Vachss, who--really, never mind. Fuck that guy's books."

You just broke my heart Mr. Stone. Broke it into a million plastic pieces...

:(

[Cody]

Oh thank God. I thought I was alone in my hatred of these books (well, my hatred of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (the only book of the series I read because I hated it so much that I've offended people who actually liked it by calling them idiots (including one co-worker, because I am smooth like that))). I hated everything about that first novel: shitty "mystery," obvious Mary Sue character in Blomkvist, an uncomfortably casual attitude towards rape, bloated page length, etc.

I just wish I could forward this review to everyone I know who read the books. Only the profanity stops me.

[Bill Perry]

>

I've read this kind of comment before, and I've read all of Vachss' books and never once found evidence of this--let alone the kind of repetition of it that would call for you to say "keep going." So ... what are you referring to?

[Christina]

I still maintain that the whole "he's dead Jim" thing plays an important roll in the popularity. The PR was in the "OMG HE'S DEAD AND SO THESE BOOKS ARE ALL THAT REMAINS OF HIS GENIUS!!" direction.

...

And then they found unpublished works to publish.

Sadly, because I write about books, people keep asking me if I've read them (Never!!) and reminding me of them. Just can't get away.

[Dave]

I got the first book for Christmas last year and only read the second one because I was stuck in Chicago for like 5 hours during a cross-country flight, I wasn't going to shell out $30 for a hardcover of Black Hills and the paperback section didn't have any Warhammer 40,000 novels, which would still be less embarrassing to read than a Stieg Larsson novel.

About the only good thing I can say for the second one is that it only took 275 pages for the plot to start instead of the first one, which took something like 350. I doubt I'll even bother reading this one.

[Fuse]

Oh my god, your opinion makes ... me yawn. Are you ripping on these books because you've read something else you actually enjoyed, or do you just compare them with that wondrous work in your head that you've never committed to paper?

[LurkerWithout]

@Fuse: Hey! Stop being mean to Tucker! He's sensitive damn you! SENSITIVE!

[mateo]

Tucker, homie. People are pissy with you today, must be doin' somethin' right.

Yo fuse, the man's a blogger. He commits his masterpieces to the INTERNET. Saves paper and shit. Man, you're dissin' on the Superhighway AND the environment. You'll be lucky if Al Gore doesn't come kick you in the pussy, for real.

[Fuse]

@mateo: Hey, you're right; paperless means green, and green is good. So, do you know the secret URL to the "masterpieces"? I don't see it anywhere ...

@LurkerW: Thx for the heads-up -- I make it a policy never to kick a dick when he's limp.

[Chris Jones]

Check me out, a man didn't like a book I liked and I'm telling it like it is! That sense of self-worth should be coming any minute now.

Annnnnnny minute now...

[Tucker Stone]

Where does the assumption come from that all bloggers are failed, wanna-be professional writers? Do people leave comments on those cutesy baby animal websites like "hey, fuck you BITCH, where's your veterinary clinic you LAZY CUNT"

[sean witzke]

I thought we were all failed wannabe rappers? Have I been crying during Jay Z videos for nothing?

[Chris Jones]

No tears are shed towards Jay-Z in vain.

They are as blood transfusions in the veins of His Baneful Chassis.

[NoahB]

"Do people leave comments on those cutesy baby animal websites like "hey, fuck you BITCH, where's your veterinary clinic you LAZY CUNT""

I think I have to go do this right now.

[Chris Mautner]

Screw Grimace. I want to see more Fry Guys.

[Comics Weekly]

I've done the "Man, that book sucked so hard, it should have been in porn" thing and totally upset somebody who loved the book so many times. Now, I just say something nondescript like "It nicely evoked how depressing Sweden must be" but then that upsets Swedish people. Plus, there's always a thinly-veiled assumption that if you hate Lisbeth Salander, you LOVE anal rape.

[Dan Coyle]

From the first book, I'm getting the sense that Larsson is so lovingly describing women's suffering not because he gets off on it, but he wants to score points with the kind of hot feminists who read it and think, "HA! he tells the TRUTH about how horrible ALL MEN ARE!"

So is he really Brian K. Vaughan in disguise? That's right, I went there! OH SNAP!

[Tim O'Neil]

"Where does the assumption come from that all bloggers are failed, wanna-be professional writers?"

Probably from failed, wanna-be professional writers like ME. SORRY GUYS, I LET THE SECRET SOCIETY OF BLOGGERS DOWN BY CONFIRMING OUR SECRET SHAME.

[AComment]

Mikael Blomkvist is the ass. Martin Beck is the dick.

[James W]

"C'mon papa. Why you so repressed? I'm just showing you the dark side of this special day."
Who needs secret URLs when there's a masterpiece right there?

[Dan Coyle]

So I finished Dragon Tattoo today and... well, that was fucking gross.

[RussN]

here's the thing, take out Lisbeth Salander and these books aren't anything. But having her in there is the thing that makes these books great. Most of us don't care about Blomkvist or his pretty magazine. We only care about reading what Lisbeth does and how she does it.

[RussN]

here's the thing, take out Lisbeth Salander and these books aren't anything. But having her in there is the thing that makes these books great. Most of us don't care about Blomkvist or his pretty magazine. We only care about reading what Lisbeth does and how she does it.

[Tomo]

What is with the titles?
I bought Dragon Tattoo in China and started reading it and was so bored and dejected that I thought I was sure it had to be a different book (a chinese fake) to the one everyone was raving about! I had to google this dick Blomkvist to see if he was in the real book. Sadly he was.
How obbvious was the plot? If you want a murder mystery just watch re-runs of Poirot.
Strange quotes in the bible... Nazis... Derranged madmen and a uber-smart autistic chick? Ridiculous.
And what is all this detail about 95mb of Ram and she had a bloody Apple computer and all the bad guys had PC's. He sounded like some geriatric who had just learnt what Ram was and would sit in Starbucks all day with his i-pad, i-book, i-phone and and ADSL modem on the table. What a dick.
Terrible book.

[Angie Abella]

You write a whole "book" of criticsm and you haven't even read the first book? Ridiculous. How are you even qualified to write a critique about this trilogy when you haven't read them? I quit reading your "critical opinion" after you said that.

[Tucker Stone]

nah, i read all 3 of 'em. My mom tossed me the first one when we were at the beach.

[.]

wow, aren't you a self-righteous egocentric douchebag.

[Charlie Caligula]

"wow, aren't you a self-righteous egocentric douchebag."

You're goddamned right he is and I love every letter of it.

[George]

It is pretty clear to me that this critique was written by someone who has failed to appreciate the skill with which the deceased author has captured the interest of a significant reader population. Not only are the contents readable but they are gripping and hold the readers spellbound and eager for more

[Chris Jones]

Tucker Stone, how could you write this review and not acknowledge that a lot of people like the book you don't like? How could you do that?

[Tucker Stone]

i totally meant to have a paragraph about how this book was better than other books simply because it sold well at Wal-Mart, but then i forgot

[Sly Devil]

You are a bloody idiot Mr Stone if you have not read these books how in the world can you even have a comment about it. Do you even care what goes on in the world. All the power to a person that wanted to change the world, what the fuck have you done? You sit on you ass and wank off to the best porn sites you can get, don't you. Do you even care that some of those woman don't want to be there and is forced to do some of those acts. Yes this is a cruel world, but men made it this way. Woman are still undermine and men still think because they have balls they are better than woman. So this what a think of your comment it's a piece of shit just like you!!!

[Rigo]

Maybe Larsson' believed that if people read his books, there would be world peace.

[mag]

what the books were amazing and were good to read and you don't need to get rude about his book just because there good books and you probably haven't written a book . also the mans died give some respect to him

[mag]

Oh if you think your so clever think about what has Stieg done to help people and why did he die also why his books are so good go find those a out you tramp
i know why you don't like his book because your JEALOUS!!

[mag]

some off you people have no fucking respect the guy is dead his book is amazing you are just talking trash if you didn't like it you don't need to get rude but the book sold really well this man was good he help islamic women in Arabic countries do know what that fucking means that he did something to help people and to the people who got rude saying that he likes sleeping with any age and his a rubbish writer this and that why don't you talk to his family and his girlfriend also the people he worked they said he was amazing and kind and helped a lot of people and don't forget his family lost there son or brother think about what you say ,to respect dead is not hard (when you people do get rude think about how hard he tired to finish this amazing book and also that his girlfriend and family have lost someone close do people know how it feels to lose someone and people get rude when the person it dead)