Comics Of The Weak: The Obvious Answer Is You

Yeah, you read that too, huh? Weird shit, because there were a shitload of comics released on July 8th that were spot-on fantastic. Of course, Waid decided to play it all DC Meduwski style and not actually name-check the shit he's smack-talking, but that's his prerogative, gives the rest of us an opportunity to go all Fields of the Lord. (You can be Tom Waits; around here, we aim for Berenger.)

Batman & Robin # 13
Written by Grant Morrison
Art by Frazer Irving
Published by DC Comics

This might be the one because:
Let's see. Did they announce those eight one-shot Bruce Wayne comics before or after Waid made his proclamation? Because if it was before, then it's possible that he's just worn the fuck out with how long these post Final Crisis Batman comics have plugged along without anything to show for themselves besides occasionally interesting art and short passages where Damian is an entertaining prick.

This probably isn't it because:
Because this was the best issue of this series so far? It was, actually. Even if you ignore that it was by Grant Morrison, who Waid has professed an admiration bordering on Comics Alliance levels for, it was a morbid, exciting, and most of all, surprising story that pretty much made up for the last few issues of this series. (Did you read those? The ones where Morrison turned in a script for a ten page comic and had the artist fill in the rest with dollhouse architectural drawings? Pretty boring!)

X-Women # 1
Written by Chris Claremont
Art by Milo Manara
Published by Marvel Comics

This might be the one because:
Take a look at this right here. That's a hardcover black and white copy of X-Women--and it's just a preview copy. Roll that around in your head for a minute. Marvel was willing to print a large format hardcover preview version of X-Women for one of those Euro Socialist countries that hate your freedom, your religion and your beautiful alabaster shaft, but when it came time to publish the thing in English, where the X-Men and the X-Women were born, they printed it as a shitty five dollar floppy undersized comic book. And they sent it to stores right after we celebrated our Independence Day! Now, Mark isn't well known for his political views, but he did write that Tower of Babel story in JLA about how jacked up illegal wiretapping is, so we can be pretty goddamned sure that he's a red-blooded American with some fucking self-respect.

This probably isn't it because:
Shit, did you see this thing? It's the most professional version of spank material DC or Marvel have published since that issue of Man of Steel where Superman got amnesia and hooked up with a half-naked jungle girl. It's way too weird to be mad at long enough to type something on a social networking service, much less make a decision regarding ones future purchasing of a niche cultural product he probably has too many of already.

The Atom Special # 1
Written by Jeff Lemire*
Art by Mahmud Asrar & John Dell
Published by DC Comics

This might be the one because:
It's sort of an editorial directed comic book, but only "sort of", because Geoff Johns isn't technically an editor, yet he's obviously in charge of this thing. Ignoring the previous non-Johns continuity stuff is your first clue, your second clue is the inclusion of the 9000th backstory regarding problematic father relationships. (Problematic fathers: that's worked for Spielberg for decades now!) Waid has had some obnoxious run-ins with editorial shit and stormtrooping collaborators before, so he might be touchy about this kind of comic.

This probably isn't it because:
It's Jeff Lemire's big super-hero debut (well, not really, but let's pretend, pretending is always fun), and Waid is probably willing to let the rope out a bit. Also, Waid edits shit all the time now, so he's probably learned to have fun saying "change that to something more like what I like, and use your paycheck as inspiration for how to do so." Besides, watching people dump money onto concepts like Ray Palmer in hopes of making a return on the investment is actually kind of entertaining. With this comic, we're that much closer to the day when the character gets a mohawk and makes a dated joke about Icing One's Bros.

Thor: The Mighty Avenger # 1
Written by Roger Langridge
Art by Chris Samnee & Matt Wilson
Published by Marvel Comics

This might be the one because:
Here we go, another really tightly drawn comic book only hindered by a couple of unimaginatively colored pages (guys who break through walls with Thor's head in one hand shouldn't be wearing clothes that blend so easily into the surroundings, c'mon), and yet the script isn't that different from the million and one other times a regular lady has met one of the Marvel characters and gotten sucked into their world of punches and sound effects. See: The Eternals, Silver St. Cloud stories, Jersey Gods, any comic.

This probably isn't it because:
It's still really good for a kid's comic, which is what it is, and considering how much money the comics industry hands over to Bone and Calvin and Hobbes reprints on a daily basis by simply not playing-the-game, Waid probably isn't going to be irked by them trying something different, like quality. Even if this was the one that burned his oatmeal, you'd never find that out. No adult is stupid enough to publicly complain that the For Kids versions of super-hero comics isn't living up to the exacting standards they view X-Men: Second Coming: Hellbound # 2 with.

Jonah Hex # 57
Written by Justin Gray & Jimmy Palmiotti
Art by Jordi Bernet
Published by DC Comics

This might be the one because:
Because there's 57 Jonah Hex issues and yet it's the same three or four story beats repeated over and over again with occasionally awesome art?

This probably isn't it because:
If Waid was irritated by Jonah Hex constantly repeating stories and occasionally having awesome art, he would have mentioned that about 41 issues ago. Besides, have you seen some of the comics Mark Waid has written? Art clearly isn't on the top of his list of things-that-matter.

Godland # 32 & King City # 10
Written by Joe Casey and Brandon Graham
Art by Tom Scioli and Brandon Graham
Published by Image Comics

These might be the ones because:
Photo covers suck pretty hard, but give me a fucking break. No.

These probably definitely aren't them because:
Part of Waid's later explanation of his remark is tangled up in complaints about cynicism, which--that's great, I don't like cynicism much either, although I find it far more tiresome how rarely you can find people in comics who actually know what cynicism is. No matter: there's no way that somebody is going to read King City or Godland and manufacture that word in an honest response. Whether it's the exterior stuff, the letters column or author statements that precede and conclude them, these are comics in love with being comics, delivery systems of joy, noise and a goofy kind of beauty. While King City might suffer a little bit for not following up on the perfect final pages of the previous issue--"so many cookies" is a hell of a goodbye--the only real pain it brings is the knowledge of how close to conclusion the story is. Godland is playing a similar "riding towards sunset" type of game--hence the amount of high volume two page splashes--and yet it's still a total unknown whether or not we're on the boat that will carry it home, or if there's a far larger twist in store. There's an aspect of re-creation to both of these, sure, and its wholly possible that someone might look upon them and say "I've seen this before, and I don't want to see it again", but is that a likely possibility? Of course not.

Scarlet # 1
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Alex Maleev
Published by Marvel/Icon Comics

This might be the one because:
He read those reviews that keep ejaculating the word "complicit" and sort of wanted to throw up all over himself and then eat the throw-up?

This probably isn't it because:
Dude works for Boom. Nobody who works for Boom is going to start criticizing comics that only exist as comics because the writer couldn't get funding to make a shitty movie. That's what Scarlet is, so: nah, this isn't it either.

Red Robin # 14
Written by Fabian Nicieza
Art by Marcus To & Ray McCarthy
Published by DC Comics

This might be the one because:
Because it's a stupid idea stretched out to what feels like 60 pages? A really fucking stupid idea that involves using a low-rent super-villain when an average line drawing of a stereotypical 1930's gangster would achieve a better impact? And that idea is told slowly, and boring-ly?

This might not be the one because:
This is Mark Waid we're talking about. He would've figured out that low-rent addicts-only comics like Red Robin are stupid, slow and boring a long ass time ago.

Batman Odyssey # 1
By Neal Adams
Published by DC Comics

This might be the one because:
Because Batman uses a gun? Nah.

This probably isn't it because:
There's only two reasons to stop reading super-hero comics that aren't exhaustion, and those are financial and being a fucking pussy who needs to grow up. Financial means you quit because you can't afford it, but sometimes financial can also be tied into the "grow up" thing, because you can afford some but you can't afford all, and you aren't enough of an adult to be able to figure out which ones it is you really want out and stamping your feet doesn't seem to be helping. The "pussy" thing comes in because there's some weirdness in your life where you're tangled up in the fiction that somebody, anybody, anywhere, gives a shit that you read super-hero comics. Nobody cares, and nobody has ever cared, but hey: "pussy who needs to grow up". That's what that means.

Exhaustion is it, then. It's fun to create a myth about how much better things were before, but unless that myth is tied into a specific creator--"Batman just ain't the same since we lost Dick Sprang", that kind of thing--it's a fucking lie. Comics are like anything else: there's been some good ones, there's been some okay, and there's been some shit. Sometimes the bad ones are special--like Rise of Arsenal, or Identity Crisis, or that gay-rape-threat issue of Incredible Hulk, or HardC.O.R.P.S.--but there's never been a time when they were, all of them, good-for-you. What Waid's describing isn't special on its face--everybody hits a point like this, a point where they figure out that the roller coaster has to stay on the track, and there's a limit to how often the same track will surprise, so why not take a break and eat some Milton?--it's just been made special because he's a big deal comics guy who is most often affiliated with some big deal super-hero comics.

The thing is though, exhaustion isn't going to be what you feel after reading Batman: Odyssey. Repulsion, confusion, maybe even a bit of consternation, those are all understandable reactions that depend on how far up or down one places the impact Neal Adams had on Batman comics, but the type of exhaustion one feels when Jean Grey returns or dies or grows a geranium out of her pristine one-of-a-kind vagina isn't in the cards, it's not a possible outcome. 

Hit Monkey # 1, Darkstar and the Winter Guard # 2, Young Allies # 2, Hawkeye & Mockingbird # 2
Written by people
Drawn by other people
Published by Marvel

None of these seem very likely. Hawkeye is the only character who has appeared in enough comics in the last three years to even have "repeating himself" as a possibility, but even then, what's the likelihood that Waid is one of the 16 people who are actually reading these comics?

Hellboy: The Storm # 1
Written by Mike Mignola
Art by Duncan Fegredo
Published by Dark Horse Comics

This might be the one because:
Maybe Mark Waid is one of those kinds of people who, when they see comics that are better than all of the other comics, have pretty much always been better, and show no signs of doing anything but getting more awesome as time goes on, decides that they're just going to hate those comics and be iconoclastic and....what's that word? Contrarian, that word. Maybe he's one of those guys.

This probably isn't the one because:
Shit dude. Remember that panel in Wild Hunt that was colored almost completely in yellow? (It had swords in it.) Remember how you looked at that panel and it was like an electric shock went through your body because you realized that Duncan Fegredo was totally in control of the visual aspect of Hellboy, that he had managed to eke out some equality right alongside Mike Mignola, that he was no longer the "good enough" fill-in artist but a shake-the-heavens powerhouse in his own right? You know what I'm talking about. 

Now go look at that pages in The Storm where the car goes flying into the woods. 

Ain't no way somebody would look at this comic and decide they'd had enough. Simple answer: this ain't the one because Mark Waid clearly didn't read it.

Shadowland # 1
Written by Andy Diggle
Art by Billy Tann, Batt & Christina Strain
Published by Marvel Comics

This might be the one because:
This one is a contender, for sure. First off, it's a terrible comic book that begins by saying "none of what happens in here matters, regardless of how scared widdle Wuke Cage is, because if anything serious starts to happen, Daddy Iron Man and Daddy Bucky and Daddy Thor will come and spank everybody's bottom raw, so go ahead and go play in the basement like the bunch of unwanted babies that you are", and second off, it looks like shit throughout, and it really shouldn't, because Marvel has some crack team of badasses who scour the world for flesh pancakes and super-talented artists. Like, if "terrible super-hero comic that lets you know at the beginning that everything is going to be fine, but won't you please still buy the rest of the issues as well as the tie-ins because mommy likes the flesh pancakes and mommy's belly is a-grumbling" is the barometer with which Mr. Waid is using, then bang, this is it, Shadowland, this is the nut-crunching vise that squeezed the desire out of the brain. This is one of those "I'm tired, I gotta change my life" things that we're looking for.

This probably isn't the one because:
Shit. Kind of painted myself into a corner there. Well, let's see. 

Maybe the dude has a fetish for one of these characters? Like, he's a really big fan of Thor or something? Because Thor is in this for a little bit. You have to look really hard for him, because the art will make your eyes kind of glaze over. But he's totally in this comic.

Fantastic Four Annual # 32
Written by Joe Ahearne
Art by Bryan Hitch, Andrew Curie, Paul Mounts & Rain Beredo
Published by Marvel Comics

This might be the one because:
Because it repeats other stuff that happened in Fantastic Four before? Who fucking knows. Waid supposedly keeps up with this shit, continuity crap, he's got a Wikipedia brain for comics trivia, that kind of thing. He used to write the Four, so maybe there's something in this comic that clashes with previous Fantastic Four comics in a way that his brain refuses to accept.

This probably isn't the one because:
You'd have to know the history of the book to really tell for sure, but it seems unlikely they've done an Innerspace riff that ends with time travel abortion, but maybe they have. It wasn't in the Kirby/Lee stuff, I know that much. The Terminator in Terminator was trying to do a time-travel abortion, but that's the only big time-travel abortion I can think of. I don't know, this kind of made my head hurt. Reading a Fantastic Four comic where abortion is the key final page is sort of like listening to old people describe sexual intercourse. It's not wrong or anything, just disconcerting.

Red Hood: The Lost Days: Nature of the Game: Word Is Bond: The Streets Is Watching: No Pass No Play # 2
Written by Judd "Power Chord" Winick
Art by Pablo "Raining Down" Raimondi
Published by DC Comics

This might be the one because:
It's fill-in-the-continuity comics? Maybe he doesn't like those kinds of comics.

This might not be the one because:
Mark Waid is (probably?) reasonable enough not to have bootheel clicked into an I Hate Judd Winick mindset just because some random mass of people decided that Winick was the main problem at DC Comics, for no discernible reason whatsover, apparently just because people like to hate a motherfucker. Which is fine, sure, go ahead and hate a motherfucker like he's the one that killed your dog and your mom Professor Zoom style, but if you're seriously going to proclaim that Judd Winick is far worse a writer than Eric Wallace, JT Krul, Eric Trautman, James Robinson or whoever the fuck else that works there besides Morrison and Johns, you're going to need more to prove that than what's available, because there's no metric difference as far as regular people can see it. Sure, Judd did that Batman-is-crying comic, but hey, the rest of these guys ain't exactly Jeff Smith-ing up old Titans characters. And besides all of that, we're talking 'bout Jason Todd! Nobody gives a shit about that character except for Judd Winick. Everybody else that's written him has barely kept their irritation with him out of the script, it's not at all dissimilar to the way Garth Ennis figured out that most Punisher stories sucked because the writers just straight up didn't like Frank Castle. That isn't to say that Red Hood: Mama's Trippin' is a good comic just because its Judd + Jason, because it's still a cheap-o cash grab at the pockets of people who really need to know which mysterious figure lit the birthday candles in issue #517 of Some Comic Book, but when you compare this to some of the other stuff that's on the racks, it's just way too in the middle to attain the level of derision required to throw one's toys out the window. You'd do better mustering up anger by attaching an ice cream truck bell to your air conditioner in hopes of fooling the local schoolchildren.

Final Judgment:
Don't really have one, but if I did, it might be X-Force # 28, if only because: Phoenix? Really? Again?

-Tucker Stone, 2010

Comments

[Jonathan Baylis]

I'm almost positive I paid cash money for Marvel's "Generic Comic Book".

Well, maybe not, I think I was still shoplifting back then.

Either way, I own the fucker. And it's still better than just about anything from the big two these days.

[Chris Jones]

You are incredible. I hope you know that.

[Comics Weekly]

Man, I think I read a different issue of ODYSSEY to everybody else. I had one where Batman is shooting two guns at once on top of a train. Did that not happen in everybody else's comic? I feel a little bit sad about that.

[Mory Buckman]

Fun column.

[Mario M.]

I saw that post and thought "guess Waid was really offended by Aquaman vs. the oil spill" but you saw it and went all state of the union with it. Great stuff, man.

[Shaun M,]

Fun commentary. It's potentially a bad assumption that Waid's breaking point was a comic that went on sale this week, though--as a professional, he likely receives advance copies; as a professional, he might also be behind in his reading.

[Jeff Albertson]

It's Superman 700 -- Waid is a big Superman fan, and seeing JMS write Superman in yet another "What have you done for me" scene probably pissed him off. First, the story was done well the first time it was done, in Green Lantern 76; second, the particular twist of it being cancer was done in Supergirl right before the New Krypton stuff started.

[AComment]

Oh like you would forget the word contrarian.

I mean you went to a "crappy liberal arts college", right? Or was that retconned? I think one Economist vs Idiot mentioned you working on your master's at Harvard - wait, is Advanced Common Sense a separate continuity?

[AComment]

I bet Mark Waid would know.

[Dan Coyle]

It was Brightest Day Atom. For a guy like Waid, looking at Johns, or an obvious Johns-influenced work, is like looking in a funhouse mirror and hoping that no one comes up to him and says no, that mirror's working fine, the funhouse is over there.

Hey mark: the funhouse is over there. You're nearly fifty, for god's sake.

[ricj]

"Nobody cares, and nobody has ever cared, but hey: "pussy who needs to grow up". That's what that means."

The same could be said for your juvenile rants.

[LurkerWithout]

Juvenile? Ah c'mon, this is some young adult level rantery if there ever was some.

[Wyrdrune]

maybe mark waid read his own junk. (after what he has done to dr. strange he should not be opening his mouth that much.)

[John Bird]

Way late here, but it's the Atom. Waid loves the Atom and cannot get enough of the Atom. You might have noticed in his JLA.