Comics Of The Weak: "It was a fine cow, but like so many cows it lacked sustained dramatic interest."

Wolverine # 3
Written by Jason Aaron
Art by Renato Guedes, Jose Wilson Magalhaes, Oclair Albert & Matt Wilson
Published by Marvel Comics 

The bad guy in this is The Red Right Hand? Like the Nick Cage song they used in the X-Files movie? Actually, that isn't the funny part of this comic. The funny part of this comic is when you find out that Wolverine has a Calvin and Hobbes style sign on his door at the place where the X-people live.

  
Does anybody put a sign like that on their bedroom door after they get old enough to buy a goddamned lock? 

Batman & Robin # 16
Written by Grant Morrison
Art by Cameron Stewart, Frazer Irving, Chris Burnham & Alex Sinclair
Published by DC Comics

There's some cool shit in this issue, some of which was cooler back when Peter Milligan did it, some of which is cool because it means Morrison read some cool Peter Milligan Batman comics so he probably also read the Idiot Root or that hardcover where Batman punches a white female terrorist and says "I'm a fucking ATHEIST, amends DONT MEAN SHIT", but still, Chris Burhham's on board and he doesn't get to draw guts and garters dripping off of Bruce's knuckles? That's a missed opportunity.

This isn't an ending, of course--you have to credit Morrison for his career streak of not writing those--but it still feels like one, and it'll be interesting to find out what the Bruce-break has done for the writer's mood. Will we get some more Batman & Son, international playboy style? Will the lack of Tony "My panels are also tricky" Daniel give comic's only Shaman standing the desire to write something that washes away the still-reeks crap of RIP? And what of little Damian, a character who has only been funny under one hand?

The answers to these questions aren't to be found in these mainstream media promoted pages. But what is here is pretty damn alright--an unlocked door was closed on the irritating Simon Hurt, Frazer Irving finally morphed from a lesser-known darling to a wherever-he-wants headliner, but most of all, a writer who has spent way too long reaping the benefits of suspended judgment proved he could still toss off something pretty special with the best super-hero material there is: Your Motherfucking Batman.

Invincible # 75
Written by Robert Kirkman
Art by Ryan Ottley, Cliff Rathburn, Sheila Saldana, FCO Plascencia & Ivan Plascencia
Published by Image

It's nice and all that there's a creator-owned super-hero title that does more than just eke out survival numbers beyond the reach of DC/Marvel hamburger compound, but you can't exactly wish away content by focusing on industrial uniqueness, and most of the time, Invincible is more impressive as a resume entry. But the comic can be enormously effective, invariably when it focuses on its side characters (Allen the Alien and Battle Beast, specifically), its villains (monstrous riffs on Superman the lot, mustached across the board) or the bedsheets of blood style violence that Ottley and the Magnificent Ambersons Plascencias have long mastered. This issue has all three of those, along with the (hopefully) much welcomed slaughter of the title's second-most obnoxious character, but it's still an underwhelming and overpriced excursion that serves best as an example of what happens when simple pleasures are overthought. There's plenty of extravagance, sure, but none of this comic's two page spreads can compare to the perfection of one, a small panel where Battle Beast--deep in exercise of the murder he loves best--cries out, excitedly, for "more".

Amazing Spider-Man # 647
Written by Fred Van Lente, Bob Gale, Zeb Wells, Joe Kelly, Mark Waid, Marc Guggenheim & Dan Slott
Art by Max Fiumara, Morry Hollowell, Michael Del Mundo, Karl Kesel, Antonio Fabela, J.M Ken Niimura, Paul Azaceta, Graham Nolan, Mark Pennington & Adam Archer
Published by Marvel Comics

If you're in the group of people who liked the way Brand New Day was going, then you'll want to pick this up and sit with it for awhile. Basically, it's a bunch of Brand New Day story arcs that won't get ever get published due to the "give the fucking thing to Dan Slott" parachute that is taking the title over. And sure, those story arcs aren't getting stretched out to their full length, the way they would've been if the Brand New Day wasn't ending, but let's be honest: if you were going to succumb to obligation and read another cringe-inducing potboiler where Flash Thompson and Spider-Man swap inspiration kisses with one another, you're going to be a hell of a lot happier doing it in a scant few pages.

Superboy # 1
Written by Jeff Lemire
Art by Pier Gallo & Jamie Grant
Published by DC Comics

Having failed to successfully turn Adventure Comics into Superboy comics, the character will now get his own series, courtesy of the one "alt" writer that Johns deems worthy of the task. (Or maybe Jeff is the only name he can remember?) As with Lemire's Atom one-shot, there's little here to indicate that the writer is doing anything more than pumping out the same generic pap that any professional might with the role-playing-game style fact sheet DC provides for each of its characters. This is cold-blooded comics, so cliched and dull that it'll be best remembered as trivia quote when someone asks future publishers how they knew the world was prepared to read comics written by digital algorithms.

Captain America Man Out Of Time # 1
Written by Mark Waid
Art by Jorge Molina, Karl Kesel & Frank D'Armata
Published by Marvel Comics

Weird comic. Most of it seems to track, it's another retelling of Captain America's last adventure followed by the big wake-up, but then the Avengers disappear and abandon our laughing boy in the streets of New York, where there is of course a broad daylight extremeo mugging that ends with Cap getting capped by the victim in a fit of too many pistols. Maybe Mark Waid is a gun-control guy? There doesn't seem to be any other explanation here. At least there aren't any parts where the television show Lie To Me is used like it's a factual reference.

Godland Dogland # 33
Written by Joe Casey
Art by Tom Scioli & Bill Crabtree
Published by Image Comics

Godland isn't like most of the comics it shares shelf space with, which is why it's tempting to praise or defend it as being important, even as its creators spend a good portion of their time making it clear that word isn't their holy objective. Entertainment, according to the braying taglines and letters columns, is: and yet Godland rarely achieves the form of that the way its 4th World inspirations did. It's funny, of course, that's never been something Casey had a problem delivering, and it's loudly attractive in Scioli's steadfast refusal to contemporize. But Godland's pleasures are twisted, specific to the disposable chapter, and that's even truer as the series draws towards conclusion. They're discovered in the eleven square panels that bounce across, then upwards, snaking through the page to the words "Madness!" and "Glorious!", from the always welcome sight of bipedal mice in suits and glasses, or a Casey character once again realizing their fictional nature, and stoically committing to see things through to the end. The sweltering embrace, soon to depart.

Brightest Day # 13
Written by Geoff Johns & Peter J. Tomasi
Art by Ivan Reis, Ardian Syaf, Joe Prado, Vicente Cifunentes, Peter Steigerwald, John Starr & Ray Dillon
Published by DC Comics

In an odd reversal of expectations, this issue of Brightest Day zeroes in on the late 90's, a period of time when DC's best answer to "how the fuck are we going to fix Hawkman's continuity?" was responded to with the bizarre decision of making all of the character's previous stories "true", thus beating Grant Morrison to the bar long before anyone could be bothered to cast a trophy. Having built his career thus far on the canonization of the Silver Age, it's oddly inspiring to see Johns challenge himself by embracing stories that, unlike those written before many of us were born, we are all old enough to remember disliking.

Taskmaster # 3
Written by Fred Van Lente
Art by Jefte Palo & Jean-Francois Beaulieu
Published by Marvel Comics

This is a neat comic about a character with a shitty outfit (it's like Skeletor plus Moon Knight). It's drawn well, by the guy who did the last good Black Panther story. Marvel makes these once in a while--short mini-series by talented professional types--but you'd be goddamned if anybody is going to know they exist, because they're always surrounded by a bunch of horrible mini-series about the same three or so characters that the movies-only audience know the names of. If there was a scale of things to cry about, this situation wouldn't be one that got access to the room where that scale is kept. Still, this is one of those times that frowny emoticons were invented to describe.

Avengers Academy # 6
Written by Christos Gae
Art by Mike McKone, Dave Meikis, Rebecca Buchman, Andrew Henessey, Rick Ketchum & Jeromy Cox
Published by Marvel Comics

Basically, it boils down to this: do you dig on super-hero comics that have full page monologues about how to deal with the psychological trauma of rape? Because that's what this super-hero comic has, that's where it gets the dramatic oomph from. And if that's what you want, and you don't mind that the monologue is brought to the table by Tigra as a way to help a young super-hero who has trouble controlling himself when he turns into a red dinosaur, then here you go dude, it's the super-hero comic you were looking for! It also has four inkers, meaning there were a lot of people who could've said "...the fuck are we doing?" and, then, you know, didn't.

Red Hood: Something About Days # 6
Written by Judd Winick
Art by Jeremy Haun
Published by DC Comics

Outside of Penthouse Letters, who fucks their dad's ex-girlfriend when their dad will most definitely hook up with her again? That's grody as hell. 

Bullseye: Perfect Game # 1
Written by Charlie Huston
Art by Shawn Martinbrough & Lee Loughridge
Published by Marvel Comics

Yeah, we all miss Peter Milligan's Human Target. That doesn't mean grumbly one-man monologue comic rip-offs of Human Target stories featuring Bullseye are going to fill the void.

Generation Hope # 1
Written by Kieron Gillen
Art by Salvador Espin & Jim Charalampidis
Published by Marvel Comics

Hey, amateur night on the art front here. If you're going to homage something, why homage something that's in part famous because it's drawn so incredibly fucking well?

Punisher: In The Blood # 1
Written by Rick Remender
Art by Roland Boschi & Dan Brown
Published by Marvel Comics

Who cares?

-Tucker Stone, 2010

Comments

[Chris Jones]

Isn't Wolverine in Hell? Why does he get a door? Furthermore, what kind of Hell allows someone personal privileges like signs on doors?

[Mory Buckman]

That door is not in Hell.

[Chris Jones]

Well, good. I was close to being very troubled.

[John Fellows]

The end of that CAPTAIN AMERICA issue was so out of left-field, it can only be followed up in #2 by Leo DiCaprio turning up to *BRAAAAHM* him deeper into the dream. It is, sadly, one of those minis only pumped out to give to the imagined cinematic crowd currently running into comic-stores to find out about this "Captain of America guy". You know, THOSE guys.

I can't believe you're still reading BRIGHTEST DAY.

I can't believe *anyone* is reading AVENGERS ACADEMY.

[Tim O'Neil]

Avengers Academy is actually pretty good.

[John Fellows]

I'm just not a big fan of comics which tell me who my favourite superhero should be. AVENGERS ACADEMY seemed intent on persuading me I should like super super love Hank Pym.

[John Pontoon]

Fuck that shit, did you read Batman: Return of Bruce Wayne yet? IT WAS CAPSLOCK GOOD! I bought 10 or so comix today, I read BTRoBW three times and the other ones zero times. Later, my wife got lucky with me.

I din't read Av-Ac #6 yet (did that look cool? I want to seem cool probably) but I too say it's pretty good. So maybe Tigra-rape is hard to write a good comic about.

I failed to know about the Peter Milligan Batman hardcover you describe. Would you please tell me its name? I had been besieged in an enormous fort made of couch cushions at that time, if it's the time I'm thinking of. Also, who does Tim love-make with - is it Catwoman? Talia Al-Gul? You know what would be a funny name for a superhero? Bucket-of-shit-man. His or her origin would basically be the same as Batman's, but someone throws a bucket of shit at the window and then Duke Dayne exploits criminals' fear of getting shit poured on them.

[Tim O'Neil]

But if, like me, Hank Pym IS one of your favorite superheroes, well, it's Gold Country and you just found your lucky pickaxe, brocephus.

[Chris Jones]

Apropos of nothing, is it ever accurate to say that you "got lucky" with your wife? It seems like a term that should only apply to singles.

...I'm just full of complaints this Weak, aren't I?

[moose n squirrel]

"AVENGERS ACADEMY seemed intent on persuading me I should like super super love Hank Pym."

Wait, seriously? You got that from Avengers Academy? Because the latest one has this hilarious scene with him and Hawkeye where Pym's all "Ha ha Hawkeye, we're cool and all, we're buddies, you're a great guy, I can see why MY WIFE WANTED TO FUCK YOU" and Hawkeye's like "um... hey look over there, gotta go!"

Awesome, awesome comic.

[moose n squirrel]

The best thing - hell, maybe the only good thing - about Batman & Robin #16 is that it finally signals the end of all the shit plot threads Morrison has had running since Final Crisis and RIP. How many really good issues has Morrison's run produced so far? Club of Heroes, the initial Quitely-drawn B&R arc, and the Damian-in-the future issue were all decent, and maybe you can throw in #700 if we're being generous. But damn, has there been a lot of fucking filler, and a lot of it has been some pretty ponderous shit.

[John Fellows]

AVENGERS ACADEMY tried to convince me I should love Hank Pym the same way a cat trailing dead rats into your kitchen is trying to convince you to love it.

[arch 14]

I'm pretty sure the monologue deliverer in Avenger's Academy is Jessica Jones, not Tigra. Which just goes to show that the colorer wasn't bringing his/her A game either.

[Tucker Stone]

sorry, that's on me actually--it's Tigra's idea to have the kid meet Jessica, as Jessica represents the Marvel universe's ideal rape-monologue-delivery-device. my wording isn't especially clear.

[AComment]

For a second I thought that controversul issue of New Avengers were Yu decided there's no reason a woman getting beaten up can't still look feminine had been the target of a subtle retcon to fuck with the haters.