Comics Of The Weak: Hold On A Second I Think This Asshole Likes Coldplay

Night Animals
By Brecht Evans
Published by Top Shelf

This is the heavyset version of the American comic book staple. It consists of two stories, the first being an uninspired (and unnecessary? Does that word have any substance anymore?) update on Where The Wild Things Are, which the trying-to-sell-this-blurb explains in the most cloying non-macaroni necklace fashion possible. The second story might have been a bit more interesting, except for the fact that it was done way, way better by the people who did the cartoons on Wonder Showzen, and also for the fact that this version of "little girl has first period, goes to gigantic orgy-like party drenched in the color red" ends with the girl disappearing from her regular life forever, which would seem to have all kinds of weird negative connotations regarding the maturation of femininity. While terrible stories, both are, of course, extremely really well drawn, but this is essentially the art/indie/non-cape version of Chris Bachalo Wolverine comics.

Ultimate Spider-Man # 155
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Chris Samnee
Published by Marvel Comics

It turns out that the cancellation of Thor: You Know The One might have actually been a pretty good thing, because whoopsy, doesn't look like Samnee has quite yet mastered what it looks like when two people kiss each other on the lips, and that Mama's Fuckin/' Thor comic was going to have tots kissing, there was an entire six-issue arc dedicated to tongue jockeys, composed entirely of fan fiction. As those two panels of misfire show up in the final pages of the comic, it might unfairly sour the rest of the issue, which is actually kind of sitcom ripoff okay in that way Bendis comics can still occasionally be, especially when they are in the hands of an artist who can successfully use hipster iconography to update J Jonah Jameson in a way that's surprisingly accurate. (Meaning that, yes, it totally fucking makes sense that he's the kind of prick who would wear one of those Great Gatsby party hats in 2011, because math.)

The Walking Dead # 82
Written by Robert Kirkman
Art by Charlie Adlard & Cliff Rathburn
Published by Image Comics

Here's the thing: this comic used to be fun to read becuase you wanted to see what was going to happen next. Nowadays, it's fun to read because you want to see what bizarre piece of gonzo morality its ridiculous cast of characters are going to produce, like in this issue, where a guy who got his arm cut off lays in bed talking to a little kid and going "don't you lose that goodness" and "you ain't going to make new friends, but you promise me you'll still skateboard inside your heart" and also "i got a fever" while another guy (the kid's dad) sits around needlessly saying fucked up things like "i don't care if other people's kids die because they aren't our kids" and then, in case you don't get it, he repeats some manner of his fucked up no-reason-to-say-it-out-loud weirdness in big letters, usually on the last page. (Which is better than some of this comic's occasional last pages that depend on a drawing for their impact, and which invariably result in the reader going "huh?" and then realizing that the boring two-page dawing they're looking at is supposed to be IMPORTANT, so they go back and read the previous pages and then go "oh" while still secretly knowing they don't care.) Remember how people used to say "it's not about the zombies, it's about the people", and then we all silently agreed "okay, it totally is just the zombie apocalypse part, not the people, but i'm cool with pretending if you are" and then that didn't come up again until they started advertising the television show? This is why.

Batman Incoporated # 3
Written by Grant Morrison
Art by Yanick Paquette except for two pages, which are done in this imitation of Yanick Paquette
Published by DC and okay, the weird thing about imitating Yanick is that he's actually spent most of this series so far imitating Kevin Nowlan, so when this Perez guy shows up and imitates a guy imitating another guy, it just gets exhausting, and you're already doing a shitload of work reading super-hero comics as an adult in the first place
The best part about the variant cover is how its actually a blacked out version of what the cover would have been if this comic had come out the actual month it was supposed to, which was that month when they did all those white background covers

This issue was confusing, unfunny, and in certain portions, super-fucking ugly to look at, and yet it was still more engaging than those Paul Dini Batman comics about the Hush character--and that's the way these things work, ultimately, and part of not being Charlie Brown is realizing that you can't complain about her pulling the football. Better doesn't mean good, and while this is better than the Outsiders, that doesn't mean it still isn't fucking irritating. And while it's obvious to everyone that the whole Incorporated idea exists primarily so that people's cousins can get their own Batman design for their very own city, the idea still has some solid SHIELD level possibilities, and maybe--if Morrison can turn in a script frequently enough to keep the rest of the DC bat-office playing calmly in their vats of strawberry flavored excrement--this ship will right itself enough to, at the minimum, entertain.

Batman & Robin # 21
Written by Peter Tomasi
Art by Patrick Gleason
Published by DC Comics

As an alternative, Batman comics could also be like this--curious updates on old Pander Brothers mini-series mixed with the hardcore extraneous brutality that DC has become famous for providing. It's always possible that stories like this--ones that aimlessly cram in the idea of civilians n' baby slaughter like styrofoam peanuts--are building up to 2018's next summer comics event, where all of the DC universe stops and goes to grief counseling, tortured with the thoughts that their good deeds can never outweigh the gruesome holocaust that the collateral damage of heroics creates.

Batgirl # 19
Written by Bryan Q Miller
Art by Dustin Nguyen
Published by DC Comics

This is another one of those overwritten DC Comics that lives in a totally inoffensive space, following around a bland blond as she blands her way around Gotham City, all with a Skerritt-level radar lock on the most boring people imaginable: an old man named Clancy, a computer nerd in a wheelchair who acts like her mother, and of course, her actual mother. And sure, these people are all some level of super-hero, especially the mom, as she's a civilian related to a Bat-character and has yet to die screaming, but they're essentially banal mirrors reflecting back how little of Batgirl's potential was ever used. This was the one, you know? Stephanie Brown was the highest profile piece of non-villain white trash this company ever produced, she was the one chance either of these hero companies ever had for some Winter's Bone/Justified style plotting in their spandex sagas--scummy, sleazy Stephanie, with a dipshit loser (and eventually dead) father, her burnout alkie mom, and of course, Steph's own hysterical bout with teenage pregnancy and all the great Dixonion ramifications that followed that minefield of insanity. We squandered our only redneck, and I, for one, think the shame tastes like moist semen.

-Tucker Stone, 2010

Comments

[Matt Seneca]

What do you have a time machine, dude? How did you read and write about these comics last year? ha ha

I thought it was kinda interesting the end of Night Animals, just cause that story was so cliche up until then and then you don't really expect it to go that place. Like a more artsy version of the Manara comics where sombody actually gets raped and you're like "this is horrible" but it's still drawn really appealing. I feel like Evens maybe has a pretty different view of sexuality than anybody else whose euro sex comics I've read?

Also: that comic is like the alt-comics version of lolicon, I was glad I don't live in whatever state that guy Christopher Handley lives in when I saw what was in it

[John K(UK)]

All these people today in hats! Were they serious about this hat business they’d follow correct hat etiquette and, at the very least, remove it indoors and doff it when in the presence of ladies. But, no, they want all the advantages of a hat (i.e. Are they better than you on every level? Yes - they have a hat!) without any of the responsibility wearing a hat entails. So, yeah, Chris Samnee = awesome.

I did read THE WALKING DEAD for a bit but I don’t anymore. However “don’t you lose that goodness” is a fine and deep sentiment. I hope you didn’t make it up.

Nice work as ever, thanks.

[Aaron]

I was about to put this article aside after reading THE WALKING DEAD commentary, thinking that there simply wasn't going to be another spot-on piece of thought about any other books for this installment, and then you had to go ahead and talk about BATGIRL, and how this book/character/exercise in average-ness just sort of exists for no reason, and really - with just a little bit of effort, they might be able to get me to care.

[AComment]

So Morrison is aiming low with Batman: The Heroic Age? Too bad. Might've gone somewhere interesting once the Death-Return blather was over, but it seems there is a distinct lack of good story ideas once the BigMegaArcPlot is put on temporary hiatus (because we shall again be told What Batman Means, one day).

BatmanRobin and Robin had good issues, but in retrospect they had the angle of "isn't this very different from how Batman usually works? What an amusing interlude!" Can Morrison work the daily grind, down at the mill, at all, any more?

[moose n squirrel]

"Can Morrison work the daily grind, down at the mill, at all, any more?"

No. I still want the last Seaguy book, though. After that, he can dodder off to write umpteen million more issues of Why This Cape Dude Is Totally This Cape Dude And Not This Other Cape Dude And It Totally Matters for all I care.