Comics Of The Weak: Harding Never Betrayed Taft, But He Might Have Eaten His Golden Retriever

Avengers #14
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by John Romita Jr, Klaus Janson & Dean White
Published by Marvel Comics

Most of the time, The Avengers most reminds me of what would happen if you put the mind and voice of that old WB cartoon frog inside Gina Gershon's hot carcass, because the only thing that would prevent me from rubbing one out while looking at the Lady Bound would be the hard-on I wouldn't get because she were barking out "Hello My Baby" in that frog's fucking donkey voice, but this issue comes pretty close to being acceptable and pump-worthy, as it frontloads that horrible reality-show-confessional style comics that Bendis is stone cold addicted to in the first few pages, giving almost the rest of the comic over to the Thing beating the Red Hulk so badly you'll start wondering if this fight started in a silver Lamborghini, and if that isn't what John Romita Jr. super-hero comics are supposed to have in them, then you must be Chuck Dixon and Marvel still has decent Punisher comics left to publish. Still, I'd warn you against saving any Conclusive Sex Explosions for the final page, as Bendis rears up and ruins the fight's conclusion by plugging in shit about what makes that gimpy old butler cry. So close!

Graveyard of Empires #1
Written by Mark Sable
Art by Paul Azaceta & Matt Wilson
Published by Image Comics

While this story is so rife with the possibility of horrible failure that rooting for it is the equivalent of hoping the tumor has enough sentient thought that it can be your new dad, the first issue is all kinds of gutter sleaze awesome. Gone are the days of two years ago where Electronic Arts aped all of their scenes from Generation Kill and other stark, "realistic" war tales, this is the new school, where Mark Sable presents an Afghanistan as a place crossed somewhere between Vietnam and the trenches of WW1. It's gross, it's stupid, and by the end, it definitely fucking has zombies, so go on and get ready for the magic that this comic can bringzles. (Also keep your eye out for a scene where a local Muslim calls a whiteboy American on his ignorance: you're definitely reading some smart comics here!)

Batman #711
Written by Tony Daniel
Art by Steve Scott, Ryan Winn & Ian Hannin
Published by DC Comics

Oh Tony Daniel, if they didn't let Ivan Brandon and some C-level fill in artist kill Two-Face in those Streets of Gotham back-up stories (you remember, the ones that were longer than the main story), they're not going to let you and some D-level fill in artist put 'em down either. They call it a pecking order for a reason, and making up a new female sidekick every issue isn't going to change that. That being said, good show on this one:

Puking isn't a new thing, but coloring it so that it looks like this is a henchman who delights in the ingestion of human shit? That's freakier than a birthday party at Justiniano's. Which makes me think: doesn't adding all these female sorta-villainous sidekick kids to the DC Comics universe start a dead-girls-countdown-clock? Feminists best get their tumblrs at the ready.

Deadpool Max #9
Written by David Lapham
Art by Shawn Crystal & John Rauch
Published by Marvel Comics

Maybe Baker didn't show up because of the script, or maybe the script is the way it is because Baker wasn't going to show up, but this one didn't really land. Mostly, you just read it and wonder what it is that the fat prostitute does that makes the prostitute-using portion of the population move their business over to her in proportions so large that the remaining prostitutes feel the need to bring violent solutions to bear. Cuz it's a boring story, you see. And while Shawn Crystal doesn't do anything wrong--and in the case of drawing some puckered birdbite cellulite lines, he does one gross thing extraordinarily right--he's too far removed from Baker's specific 'Pool style set for this issue not to seem completely out of place.

Daken Dark Wolverine #10
Written by Rob Williams
Art by Matteo Buffagni, Riley Rosmo & Chris Peter
Published by Marvel Comics

The main reason why people got impressed enough with Final Crisis Revelations to give it a GLAAD award wasn't because it was a good representation of homosexual characters or relationships or tolerance or anything else, but simply because it made it okay for gay super-heroes to stand alongside straight super-heroes in a really shitty event tie-in comic book with horrible art. It was genius on Greg Rucka's part, to so boldly say "Gay people can be just as fucking boring and useless as straight people, and they can look as shitty too, see just check this comic out the bad guy has a tattoo on his face", and that comic will forever stand in as some kind of Rosa Parks of the art form. After all, if it wasn't for that little stereotype shatterer, we wouldn't be were we are now, with Daken (the Dark Wolverine), who is apparently going to fuck dudes and be addicted to pills for the next few issues of however long his soon-to-be-canceled title has left. Hawt? In the same way those old Life Or Meth posters were, sure.

Flashpoint Wonder Woman and The Furies #1
Written by Dan Abnett & Andy Lanning
Art by Scott Clark & Dave Beatty
Published by DC Comics

There's probably no better example of why Marvel wins so many of those DC Versus Marvel story throwdown arguments that all of us would be better off not having than the way that DC handles alternate reality stories, case in point this fairy tale right here: even though the Flashpoint series has already established that Wonder Woman and The Aquaman are responsible for the deaths of millions of innocent people (and in an even better twist, Dr. Aquaman is also responsible for the destruction of lots of famous art, like the kind with oils and marble), this issue makes it abundantly clear that it isn't really their fault, because somebody just tricked them into making some mistakes on their wedding day, and so you can rest assured that the end of this particular little Flashpoint odyssey will feature some moment where they realize they've been tricked, and they'll help accelerate whatever foregone conclusion is already set up so that this comic can end with their historical legacies of being boring old moral busybodies intact. Compare that to Marvel, where fucked up shit can totally happen in alternate realities above and beyond things like "What if Batman's hair was red", and you'll see the difference pretty clearly. Marvel understands that alt realities are just that, places to have Cyclops slice infants in twain while Steve Rogers does blow off of Luke Cage's power glove, whereas DC thinks "well, Wonder Woman still has to be basically a good person, because because because, so let's blame this whole millions-and-millions-and-millions dead thing on some misunderstanding involving her bitch sister." 

-Tucker Stone, 2011

 

Comments

[Red Scharlach]

Deadpool MAX was worth it for the Stark Industries branded box of bullets alone.

[Tim O'Neil]

Yeah, I was surprised by how . . . competent? that issue of adjectiveless Avengers was. However, the talking heads shit is still the definition of WEAK, I said in my best BGC shriek.

And Jarvis isn't really gimpy, he stopped using his cane shortly after his recuperation following the UNDER SIEGE storyline.

[Jones, one of the Jones boys]

Clearly, that vomiting guy is a Deathism fan.