Economist Versus Idiot: Your Blood, Their Rover

The World Last Week, In Blurbs

-Michael Sata, who used to be a porter at a London railway station, became the president of Zambia. I'm not sure how this will affect me emotionally the next time I have an opportunity to tip a porter, but at the same time, I do not usually travel with a lot of luggage.

-The Dalai Lama is super positive that he wil live to the age of 90, and he will wait to pick his successor until that point. China's thoughts on the issue are mean.

-Chris Christie still might be a contender for the Republican nomination, even though he keeps saying he would preference is to eat his weight in waffles.

-In keeping with their status as worst state in the entire country, Florida may throw their primary in January, which will do the country no benefit, while ensuring that you will have to hear assholes talk about who they won't be voting for way earlier than usual.

-Although the left wing has not taken control of the French Senate since 1958, all French people are liberal pussies, or at least, that's what my father has always said. If he's right, this is a meaningless change.

-The president of FIFA wrote a letter to the president of Brazil, and everybody got to read it, and it said "FIFA thinks all ya'll are a bunch of fuck ups", and now Brazil is pretty embarrassed.

-Mahmoud Abbas went ahead and applied for full UN membership, and now there's going to be a big vote to find out who Palestine's real friends are.

-Just to be clear, there's still a total civil war going on in Libya. I know that got boring really fast, but it's still happening. However, Eni--an oil company--got up and running again, despite the war thing.

-Berkshire Hathaway bought back some of its own stock, which is basically Warren Buffett's way of saying that he thinks he's awesome. He has a good track record!

-Houses in America keep going up in price, even though the sales figures keep going down. So it's neither a buyer's NOR a seller's market. It's not even a market! It's just a sad, empty place, where everything dies.

-Groupon had to delay their public stock offering for the umpteenth time because they had listed the money they have to pay other people as money they get to keep. How did they just now realize that wasn't okay?

Leaders (the opinion/editorial section of the Economist)

-The cover story--man, that's an ugly cover--is the Economist firing off a public/private message to the world's leaders, reminding them that fixing the global economy (i.e. Greece, i.e. deficits, i.e. Euros) has to take precedence over arguments about...you know, whatever the hell else it is they're talking about. A snoozer, this one, but the part where they look at America and say "yeah, nobody is really sure what the hell they're doing over there right now, but they should probably stop" is pretty great.

-Samsung gets doubled up on in this issue, so this initial leader is more of a blurby synopsis of that longer article. Basically, Samsung have moved from the "pretty successful" phase into their "supreme, God-rebuking" period of money-making. In a bit of a surprise move, they're going to be moving into solar panels, LED lighting, medical devices, biotech drugs and electric car batteries (while bringing $20 billion dollars of investment money with them) all because they realized selling people televisions and LCD screens is, on the long term, pretty boring. (Not joking!) The article gets even deeper cuts in--their cult of personality management style that revolves around legendary bonfire parties, an impossible to explicate ownership lineage hid behind the founding families, Samsung's country controlling tendrils of power that have forced legal pardons--and it's worth taking a look at, even if one's interest is purely prurient.

-Oh, did you hear? Einstein might be wrong! About what? Something. Something about things going faster than the speed of light. In your face, years of study! I got the INTERNET.

-It's really fun for us non-Russians to joke about the awesomeness of Vladimir Putin, because from basically every non-Russian place, the guy is a fucking riot--that hardcore trunk-like muscle carcass that he keeps shirtlessly exposes, all those yeah-i-got-a-facelift smile/snarls, and the most wtf horseback posturing you can find outside of white collar prison therapy sessions--and yet, no, this isn't really funny, is it? Even after years of knowing that he wasn't really going anywhere, full awareness that he told Dmitry Medvedev when he could flush the toilet, after months of assuming he was on the way back to the Presidential seat, now that it's finally happening, the audacity is almost too much to comprehend. This is nasty business, and this essay doesn't hold it's punches.

-Most articles about how "the internet should be free" are written by people who should talk less and bath more, but this one is pretty solid. Basically, it's just a reminder that you're going to have a bunch of new websites (ones with domain names like .xxx) to deal with pretty soon, and it would be best if China wasn't in charge of what you could do with them. It's not an Atari Teenage Riot song, but it wears the title of one with class.

-The closing leader is a report card on David Cameron, who the Economist thinks could do better, specifically at public-sector reform, but that he should also ease up some of his more extreme positions on spending. (They also want him to open a bank? I'm sorry, I'm just not up on Britain's economy these days.) Oh, and they want him to ignore the tabloids! I can agree with that. I'm certain they are poppycock. Tabloids so often are.

Letters (people writing to the Economist)

-All of the letters are wonderful this time, even the one where the guy who works at some hippie college in Berkeley writes in to say "hey, we're super hippie dippie out here in fucking Berkeley, pot smoke feminism equality sandals philosophy", but the best letter is the guy who wrote in to say "hey, I read where you said that dogs were better than cats, and I wanted to let you know I totally agree, because dogs rule/cats drool". People who write letters to say they agree with you are the best people in the world.

United States

-There's already one Keystone pipeline going through Nebraska, but TransCanada is readying their second, the Keystone XL. It's tar sands oil, coming out of Canada, and it's got Nebraskan Republicans teamed up with hardline environmentalists, proving that people can act like human beings with those they disagree with when there's actual shit going down. Bring on the fake alien attack, I say! We could all hug each other once more.

-Without money, the judicial system cannot function, and without the judicial system, where would the US end up? We might soon find out in places like California, Ohio, New York or Georgia. It's impossible to overstate how fundamentally idiotic it is for the current state of judicial bankruptcy to continue, so hey, get ready to be irritated.

-Another Congressional shutdown might be on the way, because hey, that method worked out so well the last time. November 18th is the day you should pummel yourself into a coma if you want to avoid hearing about it--that's when the next big brawl gets rolling again.

-If you only read one article about how the unemployed stats are getting better just because a bunch of unemployed people are no longer being labeled unemployed due to the length of time they've been without work, it probably won't be this one, because every form of news media has published one of these particular articles at least once a week for the last two years. If it is your first one, then hello: where have you been all my life? I have a couch.

-If you want to know why there isn't a National Slavery Museum in Virginia after 18 years of trying, you can start piecing together the story here, but the short answer is that corruption had sex with embezzlement and they had a baby named bankruptcy.

-The population numbers in New Orleans have yet to stabilize, to the point where it's as small as it was in 1910, when it was mostly swampland. Read more about those statistics, and some racism, here.

-The Economist has a firm anti-death penalty take most of the time, and they've the got the dial set for disgust in this article, which is about the recent decision in Texas to take away a prisoner's choice of last meal. I don't want to know people who get erections about taking away last meals. So tiresome.

-Lexington seems a little annoyed that he/she has to deal with the Republican presidential nominee question so early, and his final conclusion--that Democrats would prefer a battle between Obama and Rick Perry over a Romney/Obama contest, because Romney could win--is a bit rushed. Still: it's Lexington, and Lexington is always a pleasure.

The Americas

-How's about a breakdown of Brazil's weird recent history of football based criminality, much of it laced around the run-up to the 2014 World Cup? This is good old bloodless crime, a nice break from massacre based journalism. Thievery!

-Back in 2009, America started pushing Jamaica to extradite a powerful druglord. It wasn't until May 2010 that they finally went after him, and when they did, 73 people died in the process. The murder rate then fell by 40%. This article isn't about that--it's about the resignation a of Jamaican prime minister Bruce Golding, who oversaw the extradition--but man, it really should be, right?

-Chile imports 75% of its energy, sometimes from countries that have to stiff them when they run low themselves. They're running out of publicly acceptable places to put dams, Fukushima chilled their nuclear enthusiasm, and decent subsidies are required to make solar work. And two weeks ago, the power went out for half of the countries population. It was back in a few hours, but the future looks to be getting worse.

Asia

-Here's a dark quote for the history books: "We have no money. All we have are the crazies. So the crazies it is." That's a retired senior Pakistani official explaining why he believes his army will stay in bed with jihadists, no matter what Mike Mullen (and his hands, check this out) has to say about it. The article moves onto a more nuanced look at the Haqqani network, but it's that blunt quote that sticks.

-Japan may turn to Europe for their next jet fighters, now that America has banned the export of the elite F-22. The US bristles at the mere suggestion--Japan has bought fighters exclusively from American companies since 1960--but hey, that's what happens in a free market.

-The battle against the death penalty in Georgia may be out of our news cycle for a bit, but in India, the subject is a fresh one. This time around, it's because of the constant postponement cycle that has seen men languish for decades. (India has hung only one person since 1995, just to give you an indication.)

Middle East and Africa

-While Zambians once formed a single file line for the express purpose of kicking Chinese behind, they've now come to terms with the country, who are now the hungriest consumer of Zambia's chief export. (That would be copper.) Money doesn't just rule everything around, it also messes with one's emotions.

-Surprising everyone by showing up in the middle of the night, the President of Yemen got back home from sleepaway camp just in time to catch some more of the non-stop fighting that threatens to turn into a full scale civil war. This guy, you guys, this guy!

Europe

-The subtitle to this article about French governmental corruption (titled "Bad Smells") describes a "complex party-financing scandal", and I'll double down on that. Part of the reason that more finance people don't go to jail is that it doesn't seem possible to explain what they did wrong in less than 16 paragraphs. Huh?

-Although Charlemagne seems to have a grudging respect for Angela Merkel's steely patience, he/she also wants her (and Germany) to hurry up and and make something happen, as they've decided the wait-and-see game is "weakening growth". They also acknowledge the concerns of an earlier-in-the-issue letter writer, who warned about the tendency talks of panic have towards ensuring its existence. Merkel's always scared this magazine though, one might keep that in mind.

-It's unlikely that Alexei Kudrin rode on a white stallion named Heroism on his way back from Truth and Justice Mountain, but the fact that he responded to Dmitry Medvedev's demand for a retraction or resignation by saying, basically, "shut the fuck up and I'll let you know what I'm going to do when I feel like telling you, bitch" is pretty spectacular. (He resigned.)

Britain

-This is a continuation/expansion of the op/ed on what David Cameron should do to make the Economist happy. The short version of it would be a bunch of cheerleaders spelling out the words quantitative easing, as far as I can tell.

-Never heard of the Richard Scarry rule, check it out: it's never in the governments best interest to attack things that regularly show up in childrens books. Farming, firefighters, etc--it's your ass you're playing with. (The actual article is about how David Cameron is doing exactly that in his attempt to extract cash money from Britain's National Trust.)

-Man, I hope they put this one on the public part of the website: it's Bagehot's take-no-prisoners snarkdown on Ed Miliband. British people hurt fucking feelings, holy christ. "Baby-faced, panda-eyed policy wonk"...man. Cold-blooded. There's a serious article about what a loser they think the guy is as well. Then again, the Economist has always hated everybody in its own government.

International (the weirdo section)

-This is a longer look at the Internet Governance Forum, which was a recently held conference in Nairobi where the world's governmental officials had to share space with activists to discuss the future of the web. There was a large range of discussions at the thing, from who should be in charge of domain names to whether social media is really accomplishing all it claims to. The most interesting aspect is probably the equality with which everyone is allowed space--a Chinese diplomat has the same basic rights as a well-heeled activist. Of course, there's the whole plane-ticket-to-Nairobi bar to clear, but beyond that: freedom!

-The other big dog of the internet--in terms of money, in terms of traffic--is porn, which still controls the horizontal whilst showing you the vertical, no matter how many cam and clip sites show up to give it away. Here's a state of the XXX industry address, Economist style. (Third highest number of comments on their website, by the by. Only shark fin soup and Charlemagne interest the world more!)

Business

-This article on Amazon times out so closely to the Kindle Fire announcement that its hard not to see it as a public relations creation, especially as so much of it is well-known--Amazon is cheaper than most retail stores? who didn't know that?--but this was the first time I read how tiny (3-4%) their actual profit margin was, after investing so heavily in cloud computing. So read that part, I guess?

-Mediasift and Gnip: those are the names of the company who are making a shitload of money copying and pasting what you just said about Muslims on Twitter. So yeah, those awesome gags you're giving away for free? They make 30 grand a month emailing copies of 'em (along with thousands of other comments about what movies TBS is replaying right now) to their many happy customers.

-If you want a job that never goes out of style and always turns a profit (at least, until Jericho falls), start selling shit to rich people. Examples: a whole page worth.

-Global air-traffic management "is stuck in the 1950s", or so this article says. (It makes an excellent case for that being true!) The topic came up in Obama's recent jobs speech as being an area where more work could be had for electronics firms, and it's one environmental types could get behind as well, as better management would mean shorter flights, and shorter flights means less fuel. Still, there's a lot of agreements that have to be made first--what standards, and who watches them, for example--but hey, this might be the "big project" that makes a legacy. (Except for the fact that it isn't that sexy.)

-There's a lot of money in making and selling clothes to people who weigh more than people who don't mind going out in public to buy clothes. Ah, and water: that shit is totally wet.

Finance and Economics

-For those of you well-versed in currency divergence, prepare yourself to find your education duly rewarded: one, two. Neither of these articles made an impact on the pink stuff beneath the bone hat of your trusted associate, and yes, I'm feeling the shame.

-Some things change, some things never will: Buttonwood is the weirdest writer the Economist employs. This time around, he singles out Kate Winslet as the "gotcha" example of overly emotive actors desperate for awards, all for the purposes of making a tenuous "split personality" point about financial markets.

Science and Technology

-Physics gets double duty this time around, with an extensive look at why it's probably not a good idea to abandon America's largest particle accelerator (the Tevatron, which was turned off a little over a week ago), even the LHC has taken over the spotlight. The second, shorter article is about how the founder of Research In Motion (the Blackberry company) spent a quarter of his own personal wealth setting up the world's biggest institute for the study of theoretical physics. That's fucking awesome news.

-There's another place besides film criticism where the stay-at-home thinker remains king, that place is astronomy. Like bird-watching but less active, amateur lookee-loos stare at downloaded pictures, determining whether bright blip #29673922 is something special. For now, computers can't do it as well.

-This article about how we're all one step away from being a "little Hitler" will quench one's thirst for pithy conversation points to bring up at parties, but that's about it. Sometimes I wonder if that's why they get printed in the first place--it's useless information, but you could totally bring it up at an embassy party/corporate function and seem like quite the Renaissance individual.

Books and Arts

-Two Dickens books are coming out, one that focuses on his life up until he turned 26 (that's when he started signing his writings under his actual name) and another that goes cradle to grave. It's a positive review, and the best fact that gets yanked out is the part where Dickens, tired after a long day of writing, splashed himself with water, Rocky montage style, just to get out those final pages.

-In case you haven't heard, Julian Assange bailed on his own autobiography after the ghost writer had finished a first draft, so they went ahead and published it anyway. As the Economist points out, the guy is a bit of an "easy target", but that doesn't mean he isn't sort of interesting. The most jacked up anecdote has to be the part where he meets the biological father who abandoned him, only to see they share the same taste in books. Genes pulling jack moves!

-I don't know if this Grayson Perry guy's art is my thing, but I love the line "Men rationalize their love of aesthetic things under the guise of function." It's so true!

-Not a lot of books get censored by the CIA and still show up on the shelves, or at least, not a lot make that a selling point. Ali Soufan gets to have one, it's Black Banners. He's one of the guys who was in that room and said "that waterboarding shit isn't going to work, so fuck you, i'm out".

-Never read a Robert Harris book in my life, but apparently the explanation of hedge funds in his newest one turned on the lights at the home of the book editor over at Economist Central, so check it out if you've got an allergy to that Kramer guy.

Obituary: Tiger Patudi

-Tiger was a badass cricket player with one eye ("he saw two balls, and he hit the inside one") who inspired his country when they needed it. He was also a prince, the husband of a Bollywood star, and, according to the obit writer, an occasional sulking aristocrat.

-Tucker Stone, 2011

Comments

[WIKIPEDIA FUN TIMES]

thanks for mentioning:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/07/world/africa/nato-not-yet-willing-to-declare-end-to-libya-operations.html

[Chris T]

Hey man, I think someone's hacked your account!

[dangermouse]

This is legit the best thing you've ever done.

Can I pay you money to keep writing these? Full-issue reviews of the Economist is such a fantastic idea, it almost makes micropayments seem like their moment has finally come.

[tucker stone]

Thanks. I have every intention of getting these posts up with more regularity, although i'm not sure I'll ever go back to a weekly recap. The plan for now is every other week. Pay is not necessary, however. FOR LOVE

[JohnK (UK)]

If I had any you could have my LOVE!

Lovely stuff made all the lovelier due to the appearance of "poppycock". Britain's Prime Minister is a ham faced child who isn't up on our economy either so don't fret about it.

Chin-chin!